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Anxious - Blog Posts
TW
It's crazy how with a little bit of adhd and excelling grades you can convince everyone that Ur fine, even when Ur OD'ing.
I missed you
Read me! : in this I'm calling Deceit, Damien a little background Damien and Virgil use to date now after 4 years apart Damien still has feelings for Virgil and Virgil does to but doesn't want to tell
One time thing
The words left Damien's mouth before he could stop himself to Virgil's suprise, Damien looks terrible he's way to skinny and it looks like he hasn't slept in days. Virgil takes another step towards Demian sadly but he keeps his guard up "you missed me, really?" Virgil snarls sarcastically but inside he just wants to hug him, Damien feels tears streaming down his cheeks Virgil sighs and old habits kick in. Virgil hushs Damien's sobs just as he use to, with kind words and soft hands running through his hair, "I missed you two...." Virgil admitted "Y-You did?" Damien mutters surprisely as tears continue to fall "Mhm, I hate to say it but I did" Virgil says as Damien sobs come to an end, Damien sniffs and says "D-do you really mean it?" Damien curls his arms op against Virgil chest, "of course I do" Damien couldn't help but burst into tears again "I'm here, It's okay~" Virgil takes Damien's hand
"Hey, let's just sit down and talk alright" Damien nods tears still rolling "Mhm sounds good?" Virgil asks with a gentle smile, Virgil leads Damien to his room and closes the door behind them. Virgil still holding Damien hand sat down, he let Damien's hand go but he didn't want to, Virgil was still surprised at how vulnerable Damien was being. It wasn't usually like this normally Damien would comfort him not the other way around, but that didn't matter now. Because Damien had gotten up and was about leave "I know you don't *sniff* want me here *sniff* so I'll leave*sniff*" Damien's voice shook as he spoke
Virgil recognizes that sniff, Damien was going to leave and be in a bad place for a while. Virgil got up and hugs Damien's from behind, "Virgil *sniff* let me g-go" Damien mutters, "No don't leave, Not yet." Virgil swallows his pride "I-i need you here, so please don't leave"
"Okay I'll stay"
*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of anxiety and depressive feelings.*
Saturday, Oct. 22nd, 2022 Part 2
10:30pm
But today was different. I slept in this morning, and woke up feeling a lot clearer mentally and didn’t feel as physically sick as I have been. I still feel slower and unstable, but I was in a better state than the past month. I felt like dressing up today and tried to find an outfit that would be cool to wear to go out and purchase some new journals and pens.
My sister, Angel, and her girlfriend, Gem, made breakfast and it was nice. I did notice that my mood started to drop as time passed. I was very withdrawn and didn’t feel like talking, but it was okay, I’m hoping I will start to open up more as I get more settled in here in NYC.
I got up from eating breakfast and started washing dishes to do my part in helping out, while Gem and Angel continued to eat and talk. I was getting frustrated with myself because I felt stunted from everything I’ve been through lately. All of a sudden, I started feeling hot, dizzy, and had trouble breathing, I think it was because washing dishes was proving to be more taxing than usual. I ended up being okay eventually.
Right as I was finishing cleaning, Gem called me over, and told me that she and Angel bought tickets to a dance performance for my birthday. I was grateful for the gift and very surprised that they were thinking of my birthday in the midst of all that was happening. But I still didn’t feel moved, I felt dead and empty in response. I did my best to communicate that this was exciting and that I was thankful, but I felt disappointed that I didn’t respond better.
I started to feel unsettled and anxious after that, the restlessness that I have been feeling here lately has been nonstop. Then, Angel was very late getting ready for work and seemed very anxious, paranoid, and rushed. I was just sitting on the couch while they both were rushing around the apartment. Her anxiety was starting to rub off on me, as I was concerned for her, but also uncomfortable with just sitting in the middle of that. She gave me a rushed hug and ran out of the door, and I realized after that I was anxious because I was anticipating for her to snap at me.
I feel like I shouldn’t be here and that it was a mistake for me to move in with them and that I’m not enough, and I thought they felt similar… still do. I’m waiting for the moment this all falls apart, that I screw up or make a mistake so bad that they resent me. Because I don’t trust myself in anything right now or believe in myself.
But, I found out later that Angel felt bad about how she left and said goodbye. It isn’t really hitting me until now that everything was fine and she probably wasn’t even thinking about me. I need to remind myself that I am not resented or being antagonized for being here. I deserve to be helped. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have the life that I’ve wanted. This is the path needed to get there. I am safe. I am loved and am loving. I am cared for and supported. I will get through this.
Part 1 -- Part 3
Everyday, and counting.
“Sometimes I feel dead, and I hate everybody”
Ottessa Moshfegh “My Year of Rest and Relaxation”
Please i’m just tired
No, i am not sad, i am not mad, is just that i am so tired of trying to feel good with my life and with myself, trying not to cry when i see myself in a mirror or in photos, tired of not doing things the way i wanted, tored of crying about every little thing, tired of not being loved the way i love someone, and TIRED of feeling alone when i am surrounded by people.
!Vent warning!
Anyone else just feel really touch starved and think ur friends hate you?
I'm the annoying friend who just tells jokes but I still help them. Sometimes tho I feel like they hate me and sometimes I just need a hug. Can't be happy all the time ya know?
Most of you would never understand the pits we fall into without moving an inch, the lost feeling in the town you grew up, the feeling that your own self has eaten the most of you, or the guilt of all those ugly marks on your body from those dreadful nights.
But then again you won't even get the joy of finally doing your hair after 5 days of death, eating a whole meal without thinking it's the end of the world, or genuinely smiling at the mirror.
I can do whatever I want! I'll have an anxiety attack about it later but I can still do it!