Toxic Love - Blog Posts

Um so...

I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...

On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.

I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.

I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.

But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.

I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.

I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.

I know all that.

And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.

A believer asks their God for love

I want to be consumed. To not be myself anymore and become part of something else. That’s what true love is. I want you to give me new life. Set fire to my soul. I’ve spent my whole life hurting, aching but I know love will fix me. Your love will fix me. Kiss me with those golden lips and pour your sunshine into me. It will fix me. It has to. Everything I touch, I leave with scars. Look what I've done to my body, look at my body and tell me you still love me. Touch the scar on my right knee, caress the mark on my forehead, kiss the old wounds on my achilles heel. Take them from me, I give them willingly. What is my body supposed to do without you, how should I move it without your instruction? 

My whole life I have been waiting for you. I am a believer prostrating before the altar of my god, you. Wash away my sins, make me anew. Let me be reborn in your light. Make me into something lovable, make into something worth holding. Unmake me from what I am. You are purity and divinity, all things I am not. When God made us, we were made in your image, but not me. Not me. I am a wretched thing, I am not your creation but I could be. I could be beautiful, I know you could make it so. 

I once heard someone ask “Do you love God or are you in love with God?” and yes is my answer. Is there a difference? Not to me. 

 I love you like something that can’t be loved back. I know that, I know that.

A rabbit begs a fox to not be be eaten

Little rabbit, with soft white fur like fresh fallen snow, Where are you running to?

Big fox, I’m off to the bakers, to the beavers, to the beach by brewery lane, And you aren’t welcome.

Little rabbit, I am as kind as a cool summer wind soothing a fever, Why am I not welcome?

Big fox, with your big jowls and teeth, you will eat me whole Slurp up all my bones. 

Little rabbit, never in my life for I love you so You quick footed spirit I cannot catch.

Big fox truly? Truly with your corn eyes, your bone teeth, your sunset fur Do you truly love this little rabbit?

I always have and I always will Little Rabbit. You have a big heart Fox. Bigger than you and I. ......................................................................

Big fox, where did you run off to? I couldn’t find you in the stream, in the strawberry bush, in the shadows of the sycamore tree.

Little rabbit, I was not far, not far at all. I went to see if the hedgehogs had any bread to spare during this harsh winter.

Big fox, thank you for trying, thank you loving me, Though my fur is falling out, I’m all skin and bones, and I don’t have much energy for anything these days.

Little rabbit, but of course and thank you for still loving me, Despite my yellow teeth, and patchy fur, and growling stomach

Big fox, I will always love you, You promised not to eat me and even though we have little you have yet to break your promise.

Little rabbit, I never will. Big fox, now come lets see if we can find any berries.

......................................................................

Little rabbit, I am sorry for what I must do, But my stomach can’t survive on love alone and this winter has been so cold.

Big fox, you promised to love me forever,  You swore it under the eucalyptus tree, under the Everdeen bridge, under the everglowing moon.

Little rabbit, can’t you see? My stomach aches so badly, my body feels so weak, my tongue has not tasted meat in so many months now.

Big fox, eat someone else! You can’t eat me, I'm terribly thin like you and I wouldn’t taste great.

Little rabbit, you will do, you will do. Curse me not for what I do, curse my nature as a fox.

Big fox, so that’s what it is? I am the rabbit and you the fox so I must run and you must chase?

Little rabbit, yes such is our way. We were deluded to think it could be otherwise

excerpt from a poem i'm writing

embrace

she won’t let me go

worship

devotion

obsession

my angel of music

pearl strings

Kalmoah is at the bottom. And loosing. The funny thing is. It's the most toxic relationship in fiction. Hannigram and destiel got nothing on kalmoash in terms of toxicity. Maybe it will Win a toxicity poll. This goes to show how few people know about it. Will explore it in the next post.

Let the war begin

I’d never seen the recording footage version of “Toxic Love” from Fergully..

He’s turned it up to 11 and he doesn’t even look like he’s TRYING that hard!

get out of my head, get out of my head

Please release me from this torment

which was once tender

has become a severe punishment

and even when I asked for ransom,

you tore and stoned me

and even when death do us part

you will roam my house

tear my happiness and freedom

and tormente my poor unfortunate soul

that one day I was your beloved once

and in seconds I was your hated one

so please get out of my head

how I feel listening to Ultraviolence after being manipulated by the girl I love

What kinda toxic ass relationship does she think is okay.

I give and I give and I give and all she ever does is take and never gives anything in return.

She loves my dad but doesn't even care about me.

Before you even ask who hurt me, it was kitty, my cat, who I named, who I petted, who I gave a special treat that she doesn't usually get.

And she just went back to him, because apparently I'm not good enough.

Oh what a bitch!

Sylris is such a weird man. He’s the bad guy, but he doesn’t need to use brute force to get what he wants—he just talks. And the most impressive thing? He NEVER lies! It’s something he decided to do, and somehow everything he says is the truth. Maybe part of the truth, maybe the truth of a single perspective, a twisted and sick truth, but still, a truth. (“The people hate you”, “Ethan is safer away from here”, “Hiélo is getting tired”, “You hurt them because you chose to.”)

So when he says he loves Kenyan, he means it???? Like, WUT?????????????

And that contrast is so good, because he never lies and is the villain, while Kenyan is the one who lies all the time and is the victim.

This man is so ridiculously smart, I’m genuinely impressed. To use his shapeshifter skills, he gotta study anatomy in a pretty specific way; so he probably knows a lot about medicine and could work as a doctor, if he wants to (a disguise to use, an easy way to access people…)

In extension, he knows about psychological science and can make a conversation go the way he wants, hence why he’s so good at being a king, do whatever he wants, and blame Kenyan for it. Because of it, he can be both the abuser as the healer; he makes Kenyan hurt them, and he appears to fix everything. It’s so crazy that he convinced even Kenyan that she is to blame, and that he’s there standing by her side, willing to help while “everyone ran from her”.

Now, you tell me, what kind of person would stay sane at these circumstances?????? What kind of person wouldn’t realize that it’s easier to just stop rowing against the waves?????? Kenyan had to give up at some point, go insane, act as he wants, AND I DON’T BLAME HER AT ALL. He made it look as if she had no other choice; what hand would she take if not his?!!!!!

This man is wild 😦

Love hurts.