Undiagnosed Adhd - Blog Posts

You know what, shout out to my grandma for teaching me the basics of almost everything I know, she's literally the coolest lady ever and doesn't even know it

It's my 3 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Happy birthday to us I would like the opportunity to warn everyone. I am getting worse.

Introducing

Der Monster, The one who helps, the narcissist.

Seb, The silver tongued devil, the bard.

Arty, the Wordserker, the friendly neighborhood nice guy.

Wolf, we don't talk about this.

with adhd/autism it's funny like. people will call you weird all your life, people will bully you for your "outlandish" behaviour, people will criticize literally everything you do as "not normal", BUT THE SECOND YOU GET DIAGNOSED (or suggest you might have it) they're like "huh what but you're so normal, you're literally the most normal person I've ever seen, you're literally so normal and absolutely nothing is wrong with you? why would you have that now all of a sudden???"

Once again, the failed prototype takes a backseat to its creator's magnum opus. That's how it always happens.

A frame, gifted to me for my birthday sat empty because I had no friends and no fun memories with which to fill it.

They were put there instead.

"This is temporary."

It wasn't.

I used to shine so brightly, the brightest star in the sky, blocking out so many others. I was the pride of the galaxy. Now that I'm older, I've burned out and essentially been replaced. I lay here, wasting away with little to show for the time I've spent living.

I was gifted a frame once again. This time, it had something in it. A photo of the stars, the way they were in the sky over the place I was born, on the very night I was born.

Their photo sits on top of mine. In my frame.

How fitting. How poetic.

"Don't act like they're the favorite. Or like they have special privileges."

They clearly are, and they do.

I felt almost numb about it at first. I didn't want to be bothered by it, but I was. The tears fell immediately. I can barely complain about it. It always ends in my words being brushed off or a full blown argument. Never an apology or even an admission of wrongdoing.

How dare you. How dare you do this. It's such a small act, but the hate and disrespect feel earth shattering. I know I'm being dramatic, and it hurts that much more because of it. I know I sound crazy for crying and complaining about it. After all, it's a picture frame. It's not the end of the world. It feels like it, though. I'm literally nauseous.

"You have to toughen up. You can't be a soggy little sad sack."

I don't want to toughen up. People who have to steel themselves often lose their compassion, empathy, and patience. That's one of the many things I hate and fear. Those emotions don't disappear. They only fester and ferment until they bubble over. You could've had juice, and then maybe wine, but no. Now you have vinegar, and you can't just keep trying to hold it in. It will escape whether you like it or not. You can't keep pouring more juice into a full glass and expect it to not spill.

I shouldn't have to toughen up about this. Something so stupid shouldn't be happening in the first place. They knew the pictures were coming. They could've bought a new frame. They aren't expensive.

"His picture is from an achievement. Yours isn't. What do you need the frame for? You have no achievements and you haven't since you were younger."

I wanted to break the frame as soon as I saw the picture. Life has been kicking my ass, and I managed to keep my cool until I came home that terrible night and saw that photo.

Why do I have to be the broken, failed prototype? Why do I have to be defective? It isn't fair.

I think your problems are very valid and your trauma is not any less important than others' . I can't speak for you but wanted to say that you don't have to think you're luckier than others. Also being neurodivergent already means you have a lot of struggles. Maybe reason why you think you're luckier than others is because you were used to pushing aside your issues in favor of others. That's rough life, I hope you know everything you go through is equally as valid as anything else

Thank you for the ask, and thank you for the validation.

I think you're kind of right about me pushing my issues aside, but it's probably also just another consequence of abuse. "It could've been worse." That's always what people are told, and a lot of us are gaslit into thinking it wasn't nearly as bad as it was.

At this point, its so deeply ingrained in my mind. I can't really help but to think that way sometimes. I'm working on it, though. Maybe it'll stop one day and I'll be able to completely distance myself from everyone involved.

Once again, thank you for your kindness. I hope you and everyone you care about are living your best lives. If not, then I wish you the best of luck on your journey to happiness.

I just told my partner of over a year that I've been looking into both an autism and an ADHD diagnosis.

It did not go too well.

Nothing has changed. My 165-195 range of raads-r scores didn't suddenly make me a different person just because he knows now. I think we're still together but I want to scream.

I'm sorry that things are very hard for you, its very hard being neurodivergent and having to work jobs. I hope you are a bit easier on yourself, its okay to mess up. I think you're cool and I understand being trapped in such situation. I can't help or do anything about your situation but I wish you have some good time or free time for yourself sometime soon

Hi and thank you. I'm trying to be a little easier on myself, but it's kind of hard when you feel like a failure. On top of being abysmally inept in terms of anything social, I have the problem of being a young adult and steadily falling behind my peers. Every job I can get without a degree is terrible, especially where I live. The main problem is that I need one of these jobs to go to college and get a better one. I would kill to be able to do what I love for a living instead, but the way the world is going, it seems like I might just have to keep suffering. Maybe one day, I'll get to where I hope to be. I just hate to mess up, partially because of how I was raised. Nothing ever seemed to be quite enough. That, and anxiety, depressive tendencies, embarrassment, etc. Every little failure and setback will shatter me like an expensive vase, and it takes forever for me to gather all the peices and put them back together. That's another reason I can't go too easy on myself. It takes so long to recover. Maybe I'll get stronger though. Maybe one day I'll learn to be more resilient and life will be better.

All in all, things like this ask tend to give me a little more hope, no matter how small it is. Again, thank you for your kind words. I wish nothing but the best for you as well. I hope your life is good, fulfilling, warm, comfortable, and prosperous.

I don't want to be a productive member of society. I want to make my art, play my games, and rest. Every little thing overwhelms me.

Having to get up everyday and maintain my body is exhausting.

Maintaining relationships is exhausting.

Having to get up and work while looking presentable is exhausting.

I'm so tired of being demanded of anything and everything. And I know I probably won't be able to rest until I'm either old and senile or dead.

I didn't ask for this, yet here I am...Slowly rotting away. There's no time to truly enjoy life, work, and be both physically and mentally healthy simultaneously, for the majority of your time.

I just want to get out of here and find true joy.

This. This perfectly describes what I've been experiencing lately. I have now clue why exactly it's happening.

I've looked into getting an autism diagnosis, but I'd have to keep my job, but my job is what's causing issues, but I need the job to get the- it's a cycle. And this isn't really new. It happened every year in school. I'd start off with a semi-decent amount of energy, but I'd usually run out of steam and be unable to get it back. Some year, I started with no steam and just struggled from the jump. I'd never have energy for chores or really anything. It's the same now. I have thought about crashing the car or doing other drastic things to avoid it. It sucks so much.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do as an alternative? The typical workplace isn't for me, so now what?

Why is it so fucking expensive to seek an adult autism diagnosis? I know there’s more going on with me than just my adhd. I’ve never seen anyone else with adhd that struggles quite to the extent that I am. I can’t seem to handle very basic, everyday things without getting overwhelmed. I burn out so easily to the point that my ability to function decreases even more.

For example, everyone has to work. Lots of people with adhd also manage to work, even if they end up job hopping a lot. Even when I had medication, it was like I still couldn’t handle the stress. I would have a whole breakdown every day before work, literally thinking about harming myself or wrecking my car intentionally to avoid having to be there, feeling this crushing dread, anger, exhaustion, the negative thought spirals throughout the day, getting off or ending the week and not even being able to relax or enjoy yourself because the knowledge that you have to go back so soon is looming over you. Not being able to sleep because of the crushing dread of knowing you have to wake up and get back on that metaphorical treadmill, having nightmares about it when you do sleep.

Obviously the easy answer would be to simply get a different job, but the thing is that this has been every job I’ve ever had…and I’ve had a LOT of them. It isn’t just the work, though that feeling of not doing something that feels meaningful is definitely soul-crushing, but no, instead it’s the stress of pushing past a severe level of executive function until I no longer can and I begin to make mistake after mistake. It’s the draining exhaustion of seeing the same people and being forced into the same small talk. It’s not having any energy left to clean my house, cook, have a life, or pursue my special interests/hyperfixations. It’s feeling trapped in a schedule that doesn’t work with my needs or energy levels and eventually turns me into a shell of my former self. It’s knowing that each time I get fired and have that time to recover before being forced to re-enter the world that I never fully get back to what I once was. I lose a piece of myself and my ability to function lessens each time.

It’s frustrating because it’s like if I could just manage to work and keep working full time long enough, I could get insurance and get assessed, because I know deep down I’m on the spectrum…but I’ve gotten fired before that happens each time. It’s like I’m trapped in this cycle of not functioning well without support but not having the resources to seek a diagnosis so that I can get support. I feel like the system has failed me and like I’ve slipped through the cracks. It’s hard to have much hope because everyone always tells people that you have to help yourself or change what you don’t like, but it’s like I’m literally unable to get to the point where I can even do that.

I want to quit my freaking job. It's absolute hell. Walmart is paying 14.50 and it's still not enough. You can't pay me enough to have an existential crisis every time I think about my job. It's not worth it. I can't keep up with the speed and accuracy they require. I can only do one or the other, and they're probably going to eventually fire me if I don't quit. I'm so tired. I'll burn myself out soon if I don't quit.

I now have insurance and can start the process of autism and ADHD screenings.

There are a few problems though.

I don't know where to start

They take forever

The insurance is through my job, but I want to quit. If I quit, no more insurance

Why is it so hard to function as an adult?

I literally just want to be able to have some money and enjoy my life, but no. My job is too hard for me, and I'm bending over backwards to find a better one.

The problem comes in with why my job is too hard. Not only is it a very physically demanding job (I am not in shape, or used to doing a lot of physical labor), it also requires speed AND accuracy. I have trouble with both of those things, and it sucks.

I want to find another job, but most jobs have the same requirements, or require a degree, which I don't have. Those swedish artists need to hurry up with their "clock in at the train station and get paid to do whatever you want all day" project. Until then, I just want to be able to work as an artist. My drawing tablet comes in Friday, but I don't have time to do commissions or improve my art enough to even ask for a decent amount of money for commissions.

Is spinning an autistic thing? Like I used to just spin until I was ready to fall over, then I would sit down until I regained my balance and then spin some more.... For fun. No other reason than because I thought it was fun.

Someone please tell me what kind of things are normal to talk about on dates? I'm going on my first date tonight (we're watching Venom) and I have no clue what to talk about. I'm currently into Genshin and Jojo's bizarre adventure. He's not into JoJo and only casually plays genshin. I can't really talk about spiderman or any other marvel characters because I don't know much about any marvel heroes. I can't just info dump about my obsessions the whole time please help.

Explaining your autism symptoms (especially as someone who doesn't need much assistance in day to day life) is kind of difficult??? But like why???? When you try to say it out loud, it mostly sounds like normal, everyday occurrences.

"Oh, sun light bothers me" "Hey, same! It bothers a lot of people!"

"Too many noises at once will bother me and make me irritable." "Dude, literally everyone feels like that. Too much noise is obviously annoying."

WHY IS IT LIKE THIS??? AND WHY IS IT SIMILAR WITH ADHD

Has anyone else ever been PAINFULLY lonely for so long, only to finally have a relationship and realize you don't know what you're doing? Like you've never done this before, and you have no idea how to navigate it but you're doing your best and treating it like a newborn made of glass because you don't want to be heartbroken. First relationship ever. I'm an adult and I met this man at work. Work is wearing me out, but the more tired I get, and the longer I work there, the harder it gets for me to act normal. I can feel myself acting the way I did in middle school and no one is going to like it. I'm also clingy as hell and I want to be soft with him but I don't know if he'd like that. Idk what a relationship should be like and it's intimidating.

Welcome, esteemed guests! Tonight's mental shit show will feature stories such as:

"I've Convinced Myself That All of my Co-workers Hate my Guts and Want me Gone! Do They have a Reason? Probably! But it Wouldn't Matter if They Didn't!"

Brought to you by the Rsd/ Undiagnosed ADHD foundation, The Slow Workers Union, and the Corporation for Teaching Autistics Social Cues.

Followed by: "I'm Trying to Keep Myself From Soiling my Pants and Keep Them From Falling"

Funded by: The Lactose Intolerant Idiot Research Fund, The People Who bought Their Pants Size Too Big and Lost Weight so They Feel Even Bigger Council, and The Belt Hater Advocacy Group

And for the Finale: "They're Making me Work Faster Than I Normally Would and I Can Barely Keep Up. My Body is Tired, and I Want to Quit. I Just Want to Go Home and Do Nothing More Than Sleep for a Year or Two."

Sponsored by: The PRMMI (People's Republic of Mistki and Mommy Issues), Tired Autistics Running on Energy Drinks and Daydreams Inc., www.No-I-wont-go-to-therapy-ill-keep-venting-here.org, and viewers like you :)

Please silence all devices, take any crying children outside, and enjoy the show.

Yes and now I have no work ethic and I work slow as hell :D

Gifted kid burnout? More like “you have undiagnosed adhd or autism (or both) and because you did well in school as a child no one knew there was anything going on and now school has become more challenging both content and structure-wise to the point where your normal methods for succeeding are no longer working and everyone around you just thinks you’re being lazy”

If you have adhd AND autism, you know that although the symptoms can be VERY similar, they can also clash and then team up to piss you off.

Example:

ADHD: causes me to be a bit disorganized

Autism: craves order and structure

You see where this is going.

I'm bad at looking for things, but I have like five minutes to find it before I start losing my mind. I literally put my work clothes in a specific spot to avoid this, but I don't have my own room so it happened anyway because people like to move my stuff while I'm sleeping. It's always in an obvious spot, but that's the last place I would thing to check because IT'S TOO OBVIOUS.

Is there a name for being that person who is always reprimanded for "wasting potential" or "not applying yourself" constantly, until one day, you magically outperform your usual self. But it never lasts. It lasts a day, at worst and maybe a few months, at best. But everyone is finally proud of you and they come to expect it from you and you're just thinking "No...please. I can't do this with consistency... This was just a fluke." And then once you're back to normal production (maybe worse if you tried to keep overachieving), they're back to "You're not trying hard enough."

Is there a name for it? Am I the only one?

Working, regardless of industry, can be hard if you're like me. They expect both speed AND accuracy. I can only do one or the other, and it's all or nothing. If I'm accurate and do my job well, I'll be too slow. If I'm quick and can finish in a timely manner, it's all wrong and I might have to start over. But they want BOTH.

People keep telling me my job is supposedly easy, but it's not to me. It's so hard every damn day. and I feel guilty because I'm making more money than plenty of people who have it way worse, but I've gotten so depressed. I don't feel like it's worth it most of the time. I'm off 2 days a week, the building has air conditioning, and we get an hour for lunch, which is more than most people, but I'm still so upset all the time. And being so guilty about it is even worse.

Gifted burnout and perfectionism

At first, I couldn’t relate to all the other people with gifted burnout when they talked about perfectionism. My academic perfectionism had died already...but then I started working and good freaking grief. It happened. I made my first mistake on the first day and almost cried. It was something so small that I couldn’t have known better because I’d never worked retail, but it messed me up. Then, I made  more mistakes and felt even worse. I might quit soon

Jobs for adhd/autism?

Does anyone know of any jobs someone with adhd/autism would do well in? Preferably ones that don’t require anything more than a high school diploma?

I hate it here so much. I hate struggling when everyone else seems to be doing just fine. I hate being depressed over a job when most adults can work, have a family, do chores, and be social, all without being so overwhelmed that they want to end it all. Just having a job is killing me. I feel like I'm drowning and everyone else is swimming laps around me. What am I supposed to do? Why am I feeling like this. It's just stocking shelves. It's not like I have to do school stuff in top. But I keep making so many mistakes, and my body is so tired. My mind is tired. I want to quit, but everyone is finally proud of me. It's hard to be ashamed of someone who recently died by their own hand. I don't want to keep drowning like this, but I can't find a way out.

Nobody Told Me This shit would suck so much

first job. walmart. sucks. I think i was mildly depressed before and maybe didn’t really notice; now i REALLY feel it. Ive been crying freaking rivers the past few days. especially before and after work. and its so hard to keep it mostly hidden. i felt guilty and useless before for not doing much with my time, but it hasnt really changed. im so tired and fucking upset. its so hard, but they tell me to be happy that im making so much for a place like walmart, i hate it. i never wanted to grow up and suffer, i just wanna feel okay. i wanna run away from all of this, maybe even disappear. this world is so painful. maybe im not cut out for all of this, i just wanna sleep

Special Interest Blabbering?

What do you do when you want to just talk for hours and hours about a special interest and no one wants to listen? Like you just want to sit them down and tell them every little thing about it, but the clearly don’t care and would get annoyed quickly. What do you do?

Closet hiding?

Did any other neurodivergent kids hide in closets? Like when you were overwhelmed or maybe just to find a quiet spot to be alone and undisturbed? Maybe for no reason other than enjoying sitting in closets? Is that even a neurodivergent thing? I hope I’m not the only one who did this.

Job interviews suck

I have an interview with a shitty corporation in like 2 days. Why can’t they just give me the job? It’s not like this is the most prestegious place on earth. I do not wish to see you and answer several questions. Just let me work. I just want money to get tf out of here and start transitioning omfg. 

Cuddle me but don’t touch me?

I know I can’t be the only one here who normally loathes physical contact, but would kill for a cuddle at like 4 a.m. It feels so intense, and you can sort of feel it in the pit of your chest. That feeling of desperately needing someone to hold you as close and tight as they can. Occasionally, it’s enough to push me to tears, Why does this happen? Is it that need for pressure that most neurodivergent people experience? Is it a hidden loneliness that only shows when I’m alone and sleepy? Am I touch-starved? Or is this something else entirely?