Longing - Blog Posts

"I long and seek after"

-Sappho

The moments between giggling beginnings

& sobbing peripheries.

My body got well aquainted

with your amber touch,

now remains unbothered in the alleyways

of fading emotions.

My heart remained sangfroid in

your presence,

even when the entire edifice was on fire,

but now me and my little heart burn

in your longing.

- Anneshwa

For the first time in this lifetime, i felt miles of distance and an inch away closeness, in the same moment. Your mere words were enough to clutch my heart & make it bleed. You opened the gates with a volcanic force, slit my heart & went away in the morning light, and i longed just for another sight.

-Anneshwa

Friendships are such an interesting component of humanity. They truly serve us in a valuable way in terms of finding connection, interaction, community, and belonging. It’s fascinating and colorful to also see how different people think and value friendship and companionship. I had a rough conversation with my mother about some problems that I have been having about my own friendships at the moment. She brought up the fact that she doesn’t rely on friendships that much because she had a strong relationship to her family that she knew would never waver. She saw reoccurring patterns in the people that she attempted to be friends with, was continuously hurt by people that were a risk to trust, so she realized that friendship wasn’t that important to her.

There is always a risk when you meet someone, or are trying to make friends, or start a new relationship. Deciding what, when, how, and why you want to share with people is always risky, and exposing and opening yourself to people is always a hard thing to do. But why is it so easy for me? I actually find a lot of comfort and release when I open up to people and share who I am with people. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing my authentic self when I let go of expectations and hesitations about who people think I am when I just honestly tell people about myself. However, as a sophomore in college, I have learned to fear that side of myself. I have learned the patterns of hurt and betrayal that surround me with friendships, and even the problems that I am experiencing right now with my friends follow the same trend. I value and think of friendships to be a deeper connection than what most people think for themselves. My family never served to treat me in a loving, caring, affectionate, stable way, and didn’t teach and show me how relationships work and function. Through the abuse and trauma that they inflicted on me, I don’t have a safe space that my mother had when she was growing up. She had a bright, caring family to come back to, I have a dark chasm of self hatred and longing. A chasm that is reserved and meant to be filled by the love, affirmation, and belonging by my family.

So I look to friendships instead to fill that chasm. I pour my all into trying to build a support system through friendships that grow. Being seen, recognized, accepted, and loved put the pieces back together that have always been broken inside me. But the pieces only held together by aging glue. Until they fall apart again because those seemingly supportive friendships weren’t as supportive as I was led to believe. I have a twisted view on friendships, believing that the way that I see and value my friends are, by default, the same way that my friends see and value me, but that is a lie that I keep telling myself. I don’t mean the same thing to them, the same way they mean to me. Why is that so hard for me to understand and live with? Maybe it’s because they will never be the family that I should have received growing up. Maybe it’s because I have too much baggage to be supported by the unstable connections between us that I am desperately relying on. Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places for something that will never be found because the time for that has long passed. Or maybe the problem is just me?

My friends do not owe me anything. My friends are not obligated to constantly support me and fill/fix the everlasting holes within me. Do I address my issues with them? Even when I know that they probably will be offended by what I have to say? I am putting them in an impossibly difficult place. But is it so wrong of me to not to want to be alone? Is it wrong of me to want to feel like I am not broken or damaged, and want to feel like I have people I can come back to no matter what? But maybe that opportunity is not meant for me anymore. Maybe this is all I am meant to get from relationships at this point. I should be more grateful for what I have, for my friends, and for everything that they have done for me, but I can’t help but want for more. But alas, friendships aren’t meant to be used for self-gratification, for me to feel liked, loved, accepted. For me to feel like me, just once, in my fucked up life. please… But maybe this is a sign that instead of trying so hard to get something that is impossible to get, I should learn to live and adapt to what people’s emotional capacities are. I should be willing to sacrifice my wants, needs and desires, and be real with the rest of the world. Because in reality, the time has passed for the world to be able to meet my wants, needs, and desires. Now the world will never be enough.

For those who need it.

I know I should give her

Her space

But how am I supposed to rest

When my heart is trying its hardest

To break out of my ribcage

But I swear this oath today

From now on anything that comes for you

Will break against my flesh

I am always late

But not anymore

How dare I forget what I am for

No more

The wolf is dead

The wolf is dead

The wolf is back

One day

I will wake up and not

Ache for you

But today is not that day

Me: writes heart felt lines as a way to cope with the pain of heart break that has never gone away even after 7 years. On a blog that no one knows about so my feelings don't get revealed.

Also me: Tiiiitssss

Me: like sexy coz plays cause it's something I want to adapt into my art style

Also me: hasn't drawn anything for 3 months

Me: Want to write and make posts about lesser known book series that I love

Also me: doesn't

You don't love her. If you did, you'd be with her

Yet you wither

Either wasting time,

Or doing so little

All the years that pass

Filled with moments

That would've should've could've

If only we weren't ourselves

Pathetic

I'm here

i feel like im not meant to be alive in this world and any moment now everythings going to catch up to where it should be and ill blink out of existence like a phantom island removed as the maps are redrawn. am i right or am i right ladies? ladies? any ladies in the audience? any ladies out there tonight? any ladies out there? anyone out there? is anyone there? anyone

I wish someone would fight me for me.

I am loosing against myself

Someone help.

I wish I had never met you

Now you are so far away

I met you

I loved you

And now I live with this feeling

That something is missing

Something irreplaceable

I wish I never knew this feeling

I wish I had never loved you

I wish I had never met you

A button poetry inspired by the Norse mythology comic by @yeehawpim

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.

.

When the Gods came to the Great wolf

Fenrir

He must have thought it just another day

Bright and grand

He must have thought it a game

These were the people who had raised him

And there was Tyr

his friend

They bind him He broke free

He must have rejoiced in his victory

Then the gods came again With different chains

Doubt would have taken hold But he must have ignored it

Bolstering his resolve in his strength thinking

He had nothing to fear

Since Tyr was there

But when the gods

Brought forth the cords

He must have sensed something amiss

This was no game

They wanted something from him

He must have recalled The fleeting hateful stares

But he also must have also remembered

How he played with Tyr

He would not let anything Happen to him

He must have cursed himself

For doubting his friend

For asking for Tyr's hand

But what is done is done he couldn’t go back

And now I sit and wonder

When the wolf couldn't break the cords

Did he pause?

Did Tyr know what would happen?

And offered his flesh regardless?

Or Maybe In guild for what was going to happen to his friend?

What he had caused?

There must have been A moment

When the great wolf pled

Hoping that he would be saved by his friend

Or maybe he wished for Tyr to pull back his hand?

And now I think

That when the wolf bit down

Maybe it wasn't from anger

Maybe it was from sorrow

His friend had made his choice

So maybe he bit

So the blood would hide his tears

Tyr was there

And he had betrayed him

I made myself sad today

a comic with some norse mythology

You walked up to me and covered my eyes   from behind.

Years later your touch lingers still.

I don't know what to do

I am not starved for touch

I am starved for you

I am trying!!!! But currently i'm not good enough 😕

if she’s the female version of u, wife her.

I'm back

Take care, everyone.

So long 👍

With every breath I try not to not be like that. Yet every path I take seems to take me to this predestined outcome

characters whose philosophy is “if i cannot be wanted, i will be needed and if i cannot be needed, let me be used until there’s nothing left of me.” thank you for everyone’s attention. falls off stage and dies

Wrap your arms around me, stab me in the

      gut. I'd be Grinning happy as i die — holding

      the one person I love.

I may be the one with your voice inside my head. Saying things you will never say.

bro, the me inside your head is kind to you, right? haha? 🤨

I would happily leave this world but this is

       the only world that has you in it.

Every gentle touch hurts, When you feel unworthy.

I am not jealous. Not at all. I am completely okay and normal right now. I am clearly not gutted with yearning.

you’re sitting across from me in a shitty diner in anywhere, america, and i watch you pour too much creamer in your coffee and i think “i love you.” you look up, catching me staring, and for a moment i think i’m brave enough to say it, but i take too long and the moment passes. i take the balled up straw wraper and flick it at you, pretending that was my plan all along. you laugh. i never want to go another day without hearing that laugh. i think i will have all the time in the world to say it.

You can hurt me all you wish

You can hurt me without care,

Without any comfort to be there

Hurt me past my breaking point,

And I will hold onto the pain

Simply cause it came from you,

Cause it's something of you I can call mine.

Love Is a curse.

She comes before the world. No sacrifice is too big. Morality Is a privilege for those who love in finite measurement like weighing calories in a meal, careful not to go over maintenance.

Something we do not concern ourselves with. If bringing you back means the world gotta burn then I will have us rest comfortably on bed or Cinders under a roof of stars.

I died but I came back exactly the same. You though, I came back and you were wrong. Did the fact of my dying really damage you that much? Was bringing me back worth what it cost you? Would it have been better to just leave me?

Hmmm I know the human mind.

I can make any stranger love me

Or at least what they perceive as love

I can become what they love

But i can't make you love me

Can't even make you want me

I know all the tricks but I can't use them on you

How little effort it will take for you to gain My love

How little effort you will have to put

Pisses me off

I can't use any way any method any trick

That's not who I want to be

I just want to love you

And have you love me back

Fully

Fuck my life

Might be some certain point

But that point is not tonight

Let's Go!!!

Because I love her.

I can get anything that I want in life.

But what do I do with it?

Without her by my side.

It's pointless.