Actually Trans - Blog Posts

Who’s cuddling tonight💦🍆

Ice cream or milkshake 💦💦💦

I don't need things to be perfect. I just need someone to pretend things are perfect with me for a bit.

God I fucking wish I could get some actual compensation for the harm trans healthcare has done to me, both mentally and physically.

Unfortunately I live in a country where you can't sue a healthcare organization, and if you could, not like I have the money for a lawsuit.

But seriously. How the *fuck* can someone who got top surgery consenually at 21 sue an entire branch of healthcare out of existence(the Keira Bell case), but I can't even get a black and white formal apology for making me disabled, traumatized, and forever underdeveloped(mentally and socially)? And I can't even openly talk about that happening to me y'all scream "they're harmless, they're reversible" like fucking brainless parrots.

Got a little too worked up there at the end but god dammit it's true. Nobody wants to acknowledge my suffering, or just wants to use me as transphobic propaganda without actually caring about me, the person.

It sucks being stuck between people who say that you're suffering is either your own fault, that you should shut up about it because it's harmful to the "positive trans image", and people who will only care about it if you parrot their reactionary propaganda.

Random thought I've been having for a while now but I'd love to experience the covid lockdowns all over again but as cis.

Like instead of crying over how this means my hrt will get post poned for two more years, I could spend all my days playing videogames and jacking off and generally chilling around, all while you're actually obligated to do so.

Yes I know that all the stuff covid has done is terrible both regarding the disease itself, and the cultural, political, and economic impact it had, but, 16 year old me could've hardly known about that, much less care

I've concluded nobody gives a shit about trans rights. Not even other trans people. And especially American trans people. Atp I hope the election takes away your hrt, shouldn't have been a selfish and inconsiderate prick to trans people outside of the US. Maybe this is karma. Good luck out there, but I won't care if you loose access to your tiddy skittles.

I need fellow friends who are also struggling. Doesn't matter online or offline but I'm tired of venting to my friends about how hard it is to juggle all my responsibilities in a body that's actively trying to not be alive, only to hear "damn that sucks" or "I believe in you" when you know they live with loving parents who provide everything for them, and don't have to put up with a body that's mentally and almost physically falling apart.

Of course I'm happy for those people but I don't think people fully grasp how much dysphoria, depression brain damage, and a broken relationship with your parents, sets you backwards in life. And tbh I need friends who can relate to at least 2/3 of those things just so we can talk about our shitty problems while having fun idec what.

please hmu

People seriously underestimates how living with mental illness is also inherently traumatizing.

It's been almost 10 years for me now. I physically feel my memory suffering under mental illness. Other senses like vision get affected too.

You wouldn't expect someone to undergo 10 years of cancer treatment, only to still be sick, and tell them "please keep going, you've been so strong before, one day it'll be alright!". You just wouldn't do that, would you?

Then why is it not only normalized, but encouraged to act that way towards me?

quick rant, cw for slight nsfw but nothing graphic or overly explicit, just mentions of nsfw stuff. but WHY THE FUCK do I keep getting people saying that they have "species dysphoria" over not getting to be a dragon or some other animal or creature, and not only that, but then EQUATE IT TO ME FEELING GENDER DYSPHORIA??? AND SOMEHOW IMPLYING WE'RE EQUALS???

Hell naw. Your ass did not cry yourself to sleep every night at 13 because you didn't have a tail, or because you had skin instead of scales. You didn't spend your entire adolescence suicidal because you have human genitals that match your agab instead of whatever fantasy cock you want to have.

I know this will come across as incredible rude, and people will feel invalidated. I'm not saying you're a bad person for wanting to be another species, or being a furry, or anything of the sorts... but don't equate it to gender dysphoria, and don't try to imply that we're equal in terms of dysphoria or feeling that your body doesn't match.

also on an ending note: why is wanting to be a dragon or a wolf or whatever with a cock the length of your torso considered "dysphoria" or something that actually causes you to suffer, but I get reprimanded for wishing I was just a cis straight dude and could fuck a girl every now and then. Like somehow I'm the bad guy for wanting that but people can say they wish they were a werewolf with a 20" inch and claim they feel the same dysphoria as I do over that.

It's insane how (some) cis men think it's completely normal and okay to have a wife that loves them unconditionally and serves them at every whim and caters her whole life to her, meanwhile I feel bad and selfish for wanting one that will sometimes fuck me and actually give a shit about my personal life and give a bit of physical affection sometimes.

Maybe female socialization is real and it's making me incredibly dysphoric. Just one of those things transition can't resolve.

is there a gender for "I don't give a fuck anymore so long as I get to have a cock instead of the fuckery I have now"? Asking very explicitly for myself

me: *pours my heart and soul out about how the trans healthcare system traumatized me by doing some fucked up shit, as well as talking about the general shittiness of it.*

American trans folks: "uhhh that never happened to me" "uhhh they never asked me for any of that" "oh my god, such long waitlists? I could never survive!" "they did all that to you? Sounds like you're making it worse in your head." "maybe you just had an unrelated, underlying issue that made it so bad?"

My fellow European peeps: "hah, classic, was the same here they just did x instead of z"

"it will get better"

"it will get better" they told me, aged 11, when puberty really kicked in and felt extremely dysphoric about my body, but didn't know what it was yet, and also got bullied for not being truly either gender.

"it will get better" they told 13 year old me, now aware of what dysphoria was, but still suicidal because of it, and felt terrible for not being accepted as a real boy.

"it will get better" they told 15 year me, who just got sexually assaulted for being trans, as well as missing lots of school(and social development) for being constantly in the hospital to navigate the medical gatekeeping for being trans.

"it will get better" they told 16 year me, still freshly traumatized from being sexually assaulted, and now disabled due to medical abuse and neglect from doctors, as well as failing school due to said disability.

"it will get better" they told 17 year old me, who was getting abused at home, while going to school and working my ass off at a minimum wage job, trying to save whatever I could while also trying to sustain myself.

"it will get better" they told 18 year me, still being abused and barely graduating high school, while fighting with my mom to let me attend the college I want, while still not having fully recovered from being temporarily disabled.

"it will get better" they told 19 year old me, now living on college campus, stuck doing a degree I don't truly want, but my parents won't let me chance. I'm succumbing to depression, adhd, and anxiety, but who cares. My body has most of its functions back but will never be the same. Still dysphoric and suicidal every day despite transitioning.

It will get better. When, my love, when? It's almost been a decade of being suicidal every single day, as well as being abused and to a degree, disabled. Some people's foundation for life crumbles, I didn't have one to begin with.

on top of that, a decade is a pretty long time. Would you expect a person to undergo cancer treatment for 10 years, only for it to not be solved? You'd feel sympathetic, right? Maybe even feel bad for them? You wish their suffering would just be over.. Why is this any different? Why am I suddenly "just not strong enough" or "just try harder"?

I'm genuinely convinced it'll never get better. I don't really have any (easy) method of... you know what, but I still want to "commit" every single day. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe it will never get better.

I'm going to SCREAM why are trans people so mean towards other trans people? I could genuinely pour my heart out about how the trans healthcare system quite literally traumatized me and I'll get a bunch of people like "errrrrr that didn't happen me, you're probably just making it worse in your head, just answer honest to the doctors and everything will go to plan" WHAT

Really sorry to have a mildly nsfw/nsft rant on an otherwise completely sfw blog, but I had to get this out... TW: cis men's disgusting (sexual) behaviour towards trans men

I've had it happened several times now where I thought I had a normal guy friendship with a cis dude, only to find out they in some way fantasized about me as my agab, or thought about my agab parts, usually in a sexual way.

It really hurts. Cis men get to get away with all that, but people act like *I* am the bad guy when I just want to jerk off to girls in peace... As much as it pains me to say it, trans men and cis men are in no way equal, nor treated as such...

In a few months I'll officially not only have lost my childhood to dysphoria and knowing it'll never be quite right, but also the exact same thing will happen with the entirety of my teenage years! Two fucking decades gone nowhere, epitome of a waste of time.

Like fuck dude I know that cis men can get depressed as well, but at least you got the comfort of not having your own body and soul tormenting you. And at least you can peacefully rub one out and have a few moments of bliss. Idk. Wish I could do that.

And the fact this is exactly what my 20s will look like.. and my 30s... And basically all the time until I can finally call it quits.... I dont even know what to say, I cant put it into words.

As someone who fought tooth and nail for my transition, I sometimes need American trans people to respectfully shut up. Like what do you mean you came out one day then started hrt 6 months later? Get out of my sight

"stop being upset about missing out on a childhood you can live your entire adult life as the gender you want" 1. assuming I'll live "an entire adult life" with this mental state

2. What if I actually want to be an autistic little boy with destructive tendencies but his mom actually still loves him

Trans & disabled community: "you shouldn't have to proof to anyone you're valid! Fuck the medical system and doctors mistreating us! You don't need proof of your suffering, only you know your true pain!"

Me: "Well puberty blockers caused me to severely suffer, cause issues I still suffer from years later, and nobody ever beliefs me and sweeps my issues under the rug despite having suffered a great number, and still am." Trans & disabled community: "Okay but like, where's the proof? Why didn't you ever tell that to the doctors?* Actually research proofs that is literally impossible. Have you ever considered you might be the issue here? Like did you even listen to your doctors? Maybe you had some underlying condition?" Me: *stares into the camera as if it's the office* * I did alert the doctors to this, but they either refused to examine me, or also told me that what I was suffering from was simply impossible according to research.