Latest Posts by manessathevamp - Page 2
ancestry dna
I think the craziest thing about this month is when I did a ancestry kit on myself and found out I’m mixed in half white with a little bit of blood of indigenous in me I never would have thought I was half white to be honest
I’ll burn myself because my feelings don’t matter :)
I’ll burn myself because my voice doesn’t matter :)
I’ll burn myself because it makes me feel good :)
I’ll burn myself because I get treated poorly by the majority :)
I hate my parents their the reason why I’m suffering so much my only escape of death or leaving and never returning
why did you have a crush on me? why did you keep pushing for sex when I said no multiple times? Why did you even like me? Why didn’t you listen to me when I spoke about my feelings? Why are you so selfish? Why are you an asshole? Why don’t you care? Why do you lie so much? Why are you delusional? We still could’ve been friends but you broke my trust and made me feel disgusted in myself, you brought back my disgust in sex you made me realize how much I hate my vagina again, why didn’t you listen why? Why are you telling people what they heard is a rumor knowing what you did? Why didn’t you listen? Why are you playing the victim again? I have a boyfriend why didn’t you listen? I don’t want to have sex with you why didn’t you listen? I don’t like you why didn’t you listen? I don’t secretly like you why didn’t you listen? I developed hatred for you because I realized you crossed my boundaries multiple times and I didn’t say much back then because I still wanted to be your friend but I’m human I could only take so much you made me mentally exhausted it was a chore to be your friend sometimes I didn’t even want to be on call with you because I knew you are sensitive and we would argue over nothing I hated the way you disrespected me over stupid arguments why didn’t you listen? Then I stopped caring I found new friends who didn’t treat me the way you did and I slowly stopped caring you, I would care if you listened the first time we still would’ve been friends, but after the people I met what is there to care about a friend who didn’t care about my feelings? Who played mind games? Who let me know my voice doesn’t matter? Who only cared when I threatened to leave? What is even the purpose of being my friend if your going to treat me this way, my new friends made me realize you are the problem and I didn’t deserve any of this my new friends gave me hope that I can form friendships with my disorder if you listened I would still be there with you, I would probably be on a call with you right now, we would probably be making jokes or I would make up a silly argument because those silly arguments were fun but I don’t trust you anymore you’ll probably sexualize me again and that makes me feel dirty like I have to shower why didn’t you listen?
I hate being a victim of sexual assault I struggle with stuff adults do all the time oh you feel sexy? I don’t you like to touch yourself sexually I can’t do it properly, I don’t feel comfortable touching myself and i genuinely get terrified when I think about having sex with my bf it’s annoying I hate him for molesting me and I hate my mother for seeing it and doing nothing, I can’t buy lingerie it makes me uncomfortable I don’t even like being naked in the shower I hate it I hate showing skin I hate when men call me sexy I used to think I was asexual but in reality I’m just still a traumatized child I hate my vagina I don’t like looking at it or touching it I wish I didn’t have one maybe if I didn’t have one I wouldn’t have been molested maybe if I didn’t have a vagina men wouldn’t sexualize me at all if I didn’t have a vagina I wouldn’t have low self esteem and struggle with confidence, I hate the way my vagina is shaped it’s small compared to other women and it doesn’t make me feel like a woman at all I feel like a child because mine isn’t as grown as theirs I tried to explain this to my therapist and she didn’t understand at the time I wish I was just born without a vagina I wouldn’t struggle so much with mental illness
I’m so tired of men why can’t I just be friends with guys who don’t like me why do they always treat me like a sex object why do I keep getting harassed by them why do they pretend to be my friend for months just for them to confess they like me I’m tired of it I don’t like you or want you all I want is to be friends then my kindness turns to hate for them and then they blame me as if I did anything stop treating women like potential girlfriends I’ve had this problem done one me so many times It’s mentally exhausting then they get upset when I say I hate all men or I hate men like go fuck a man or something
Im Ngl I feel like what I do to myself isn’t even self harm like idk why I do it honestly it’s relaxing like when people drink tea or something I’m not aroused by it at all I’m not a masochist I can’t even explain half the shit I feel and when I try to people try to speak for me I hate that I hate people like is it really bad to harm yourself and torture yourself if it makes me feel relaxed and content?
Intro
Name: I have many names Cherry, Carmilla, and manessa
Gender:Cisgender
pronouns: she/her
Sexuality: Busexual currently taken I’m not into poly
Diagnosis: PTSD, Schizotypal personality disorder, Asd,ADHD (I DO NOT VALIDATE SELF DIAGNOSING AND NO ITS NOT VALID I DO NOT CARE)
hobbies: reading, making meditation music on YouTube, Roblox, watching history videos, music: goth, break core, bachata, cumbia, metal
I support Satanists and those into the occult, do not dm me about your abrahamic faiths I will block or troll you
all about me ahh post
introduction ahh post
let’s all love lain :)
songs that are relatable to people with schizotypal personality disorder
Ladytron- destroy everything you touch feeling a lack of empathy towards others and destroying your relationships with everyone you know
Jack stauber- baby hotline wanting to seek professional help when your at your lowest, psychosis/anxiety
Cristianmirror- the mind electric 4 demo - struggling with mental instability and not being able to tell reality from delusion
Balde and bath- Bloody sink I feel like think song relates to those who suffer in silence, with crippling anxiety and paranoia to the point they will have panic attacks in public
Black Sabbath - paranoid obviously paranoia that an entity or a person is out to get you yet no one sees it but you
Marc Demarco- chamber of reflection this song could relate to the feeling of isolation and loneliness as people with schizotypal will often ghost or push people away due to paranoia that others will hurt them
Cannibal corpse- hammer smashed face relates to those who actually killed or experience wanted to kill (not all people with stpd experience this though keep in mind)
Radiohead- creep a song about feeling isolated as you don’t fit in can relate to those who struggle to socialize as they are seen as awkward or eccentric
I’ll make a list of songs I feel relate to schizotypal personality disorder
Maybe you prefer if I was in pain? Do you like to see me cry? I know you do, you love it when I’m hurting which is why you kept doing it :)
its not psychosis its divine knowledge this time
perhaps I was meant to be alone I hurt people or they hurt me, I do not trust them. I’m stuck in a form of self isolation I choose to be isolated the only person I felt safe around is my friend with anti social personality disorder man I love him he’s legit my only friend I confide in. Schizotypal is not fun it’s harming
you cannot lie to me anymore :)
Either if you love or hate me cut me up
Yet you remain Still you remain And she says: Pray for daylight Pray for morning Pray for an end to our deception...