Technoblade - Blog Posts

techno: why is tubbo on ranboo’s shoulders?

phil: he likes to be tall

Techno: He's a volatile species, he can't be trusted...

Phil: *takes a sip of his tea* What are you on about?

Techno: I swear, Phil, he's got that shifty look in his eyes.

Ranboo: *walks into the cabin* Hi! I just wanted to drop this off before I go mining. *sets a pie on the table* Bye!

Techno: *cuts a slice*... This is filled with golden carrots and honey... *takes a bite*

Phil: Still think he's suspicious?

Techno: *crying because the pie tastes amazing* He's a vicious beast, Phil, I swear.

Phil: Mhm, sure.

Phil: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Techno: Language

Tommy: Yeah Phil, watch your fucking language

Wilbur: OKAY, WHO TAUGHT TOMMY THE FUCK WORD?

Tubbo: 'The fuck word'

Ranboo: Seriously? You guys use the f word all the time.

Phil: Oh my gods he censored it

Tubbo: Say fuck, Ranboo

Tommy: Do it, Ranboo. Say fuck.

Technoblade: The person who said the phrase 'be yourself' hadn't met you, Tommy

Ranboo, jumping in immediately: Be someone better.

Philza: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Wilbur will and will not eat. Techno: Grass? Yes! Philza: Moss? Yes!! Techno: Leaves? Ohh, yes! Philza: Shoelaces? Strange but true! Techno: Worms? Sometimes! Philza: Rocks? Usually nah. Techno: Twigs? Usually! Philza: Tommy's cooking? Inconclusive! Tubbo: How did you… test this? Philza: You just hand him stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if he eats it, he eats it. Tubbo: ... I don’t know how to feel about this. Tommy: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

i fucked around on a random incorrect quote generator but with sbi/bee duo/chuckle sammie

(made with this)

SBI

Phil: I think we're missing something.

Wilbur: Teamwork?

Techno: Cohesion?

Tommy: A general sense of what we’re doing?

-

(Phil's helping Wilbur out after they get injured, while the others are watching)

Techno: How does Wilbur look?

Tommy: A little better than you, actually.

-

Phil: Tonight, one of you will betray us.

Wilbur: Is it me, Phil?

Phil: No, it’s not you.

Techno: Is it me, Phil?

Phil: It’s not you either.

Tommy: Is it me, Phil?

Phil:

Phil, mockingly: Is IT mE Phil?

-

Phil: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

Wilbur: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

Techno: I personally was created in a lab.

Tommy: I just straight up spawned lol.

-

Phil: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Wilbur: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Techno: I got distracted about halfway through.

Tommy: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

-

Phil: Why is Wilbur so sad?

Techno: They took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Phil: And...?

Wilbur: I got Tommy.

-

Phil: You know those things will kill you, right?

Wilbur, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.

Techno, smoking a cigarette: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Tommy: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

-

Phil: *Gently taps table*

Wilbur: *Taps back*

Tommy: What are they doing?

Techno: Morse code.

Phil: *Aggressively taps table*

Wilbur: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

-

Phil: Can I be frank with you guys?

Wilbur: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Tommy: Can I still be Tommy?

Techno: Shh, let Frank speak.

-

Bee Dou

Tubbo, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me

Ranboo, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

-

Tubbo: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Ranboo: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

-

Tubbo: A theif.

Ranboo: Thief?

Tubbo: Theif.

Ranboo: I before E, except after C.

Tubbo: Thceif.

Ranboo: No.

-

Tubbo: I made tea.

Ranboo: I don’t want tea.

Tubbo: I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.

Ranboo: Then why are you telling me?

Tubbo: It is a conversation starter.

Ranboo: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Tubbo: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

-

Tubbo: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Ranboo: What did you do?

Tubbo: Nobody died.

Ranboo: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

-

Tubbo: Ranboo and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-

Ranboo: Sentences.

Tubbo: Don't interrupt me.

-

Tubbo: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Ranboo: Thank you

Tubbo: I didn't say that was a good thing

Ranboo: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

-

Tubbo: Change is inedible.

Ranboo: Don't you mean inevitable?

Tubbo, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

-

Tubbo, talking to Ranboo on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I told you to?

Ranboo: You bet!

Tubbo: At what temperature?

Ranboo: 535.

Tubbo: That's the clock.

Ranboo:

Tubbo:

Ranboo: 536.

-

Chuckle Sandwich

Charlie, whispering to Ted, who’s on the phone with Schlatt: Ask them something!

Ted: How are you feeling?

Schlatt: Fine.

Charlie: Something personal!

Ted: At what age did you first get your period?

-

(The squad is trying to con some random guy)

Charlie: Um, Ted, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?

Ted: We need money!

Charlie: You're scamming him?

Ted: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him?

Charlie: What?! No way!

Ted: Why not? We already stole Schlatt!

Schlatt: Hey guys

Charlie: No, we didn't. Schlatt can think and talk for themself, they can do whatever they want!

Schlatt: I wanna steal

-

Charlie: You have to apologize to Ted

Schlatt: Fine.

Schlatt: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

-

Charlie: Hey Ted,

Ted: Yes?

Charlie: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?

Ted:

Ted: Where’s Schlatt?

-

Charlie: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Ted: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Schlatt: In that case, we're definitely lost.

-

Charlie: If you had to choose between Ted and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Schlatt: That depends, how much money are we talking about?

Ted: Schlatt!

Charlie: 63 cents.

Schlatt: I'll take the money.

Ted: SCHLATT!!!

-

Ted: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Schlatt: How am I supposed to know?

Charlie: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge.

Schlatt: *sighs*

Schlatt: You wouldn't be trapped.

-

Schlatt: Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology.

Ted, amazed: Wow...

Charlie, to Ted: Well what does that mean?

Ted: I don't know.

Ted, to Schlatt: What does that mean?

-

Ted: If Schlatt and I were drowning, who would you save?

Charlie: You two can’t swim?

Schlatt: It’s a hypothetical question, Charlie! who would you save?

Charlie: my time and effort.

-

Ted, driving Schlatt and Charlie: So how was your day?

Charlie: We almost got surprise adopted!

Ted: What?

Schlatt: We almost got kidnapped.

Ted: Oh, okay.

Ted: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

-

Ted: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Schlatt: The cow???

Ted: What?

Charlie: Schlatt, W H Y?

DSMP Characters as cc!Ranboo quotes

Sam: “no juice for those who live in solitude”

Tommy: “so like… when is it my turn to be happy?”

Badboyhalo: “if you’re listening to an inspirational speaker your life is probably not good”

Technoblade: “actually i haven’t done anything wrong ever and you can ask my apologists about that” (bonus: “pickaxe power”)

Quackity: “don’t quote me on that because i am right” (bonus: “dont run with scissors except for when you do”)

Dream: “this ones double sided!” (bonus: “all the nuts and the wrenches are just loose in the box”)

George:  *spins in a chair doing absolutely nothing for five minutes*

Sapnap: “i feel the overwhelming urge to scream at every single moment”

Tubbo: “is this a detonator? this looks like i could just press the button and– *presses button*”

Fundy: “avoid daddys love!”

Punz: “what i want you to do if you sponsor me is give me free stuff and then require me to never talk about your product again”

Wilbur: “yeah- more more more power poWER POWER”

Philza: “i am going to KILL my own child.” (bonus: “do not pay to adopt me”)

Puffy: “im pretty sure i can just do this. *fails* nope never mind i cannot do that.”

Foolish: “as long as they help us make tastier cakes i really do not mind having my soul taken. [pause] i do mind having my soul taken actually.” (bonus: “how did you die so quickly?”)

Jack: “woah there i bet you didn’t expect me to come from the floor”

Ranboo: “take deep breaths? i am… dying already”

Bonus Alyssa bc idk who she is but she used to be on the server: “i need to stop playing minecraft”

Wilbur: A Syndicate is a group of people with a singular goal. Almost like a government.

Wilbur: *Looks deadass at the camera, very knowingly*

Tommy: I mean, small creatures are way more vicious. It’s because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.

Wilbur: That’s ridiculous! Give me one example.

Tommy: Spiders.

Phil: Wasps.

Techno: Terriers.

Ranboo: Tubbo.

Everyone: *silence of stunned acceptance*

Ranboo: I CAN'T DO IT!


Tubbo, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!


Ranboo: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE


Wilbur: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.


Ranboo:


Ranboo: I appreciate it,


Ranboo: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-


Techno: Ranboo-


Ranboo: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!


Philza: Ranboo we gotta-


Ranboo: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.


Ranboo: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'


Ranboo, motioning to Tommy: NOT FUCKING THIS

TechnoBlade redraw from that old art I made months ago!! 

The dragon weeps for Minecraft king

Technoblade never dies