My Brain Is Thinking In Spanglish - Blog Posts

I had a breakdown, and I'm not writing it here so I can take your pity, it won't solve my life my passing problems, or even my undiagnosed depression. I'm here only to vent because I have no one to talk to and I feel like the more I keep it in the faster I will explode.

I had a breakdown, i started crying in the middle of my mom's living room, realizing how different I was from when I left this home two years ago, and suddenly, everything started to feel more real.

I cried the tears I had kept hidden behind my eyelids back when I had to apologize to my supposed friends for being bad at jokes, for acting cold with them, for being dramatic, for being too much, for being who I am and who I thought I had lost back in those two years of seclusion. I had to embarrass myself, to beg for a little attention from them because it seemed like they fed from it. They enjoyed ignoring me just so I could go crawling back to them. I apologized for not being able to be handled with.

Every single day I come to realize just how narcissistic they have been, how much they've broken me. How many things do I have to suffer to keep calling them my friends?

First and time I apologize for being myself, especially to people who joke about suicide every single day

Brain dump of today because I've been having a shitty week

Since some time ago, I've been feeling like my friends always ignore me, make fun of me, or try to get something from me (gifts, money, food, class notes, others stuff)

To set some examples: on Tuesday, one of them took a photo of me when i wasn't looking, edited it, and posted it online as a meme. On any other time, I would've laughed, but I was already in a bad mood, so when she told me, "Is it noticeable that I'm bored?" I couldn't even fake laugh and answered "Yes, and a lot" in the most annoyed voice I have ever heard from myself.

I was so mad at her for posting it. But j think it was a mistake from my part because I didn't telk her to stop, so I think she believes she didn't do anything wrong.

On Wednesday, I skipped classes so i could do son stuff at home. i didn't tell them I wasn't going until one of them (not the picture girl, the other one) asked if I was going, like an hour and a half after class started.

Yesterday, Thursday, they asked me to buy some stuff for a model we were going to photograph, but I didn't know what to buy. So I asked them before arriving at school. But they didn't answer, I kept asking until "message girl" told me "idk" so I answered, "I don't think they have that at the store, but I'll ask" I ended up buying a juice, a bottle of water and some chocolates. But j still was mad because they had already bought a juice and some cheetos. They haven't payed me, but meh.

A lot has happened, but i just needed to vent

I don't know why I always remember those moments... Am I still afraid of having a couple? Am I sacred of telling them I'm demi or asexual? Am I actually sacred of even thinking about having a couple?

I don't know, I only only want to erase those moments. I want to give me a chance or the person that likes me. But im scared that those things can happen again, even with totally different people.

I don't know why I have the luck that every person I get to have genuine interest in ends up being shit at the end.

I'm scared to like someone because they might end like the others.

Why am I scared of someone having a crush on me? What is it impossible for me to believe that something like that can happen?

Why am I scared of even thinking about a kiss? There's nothing wrong with it, but why am I scared?

A little poem, or brain dump poem, that one of my friends wrote and gave me authorization to publish here

The moment you realized everything you do is worthless. That your friends already did it, so if you do it, it's just a copy, stealing an idea.

The moment you realize you really have no talent, no amazing thing about yourself that you can show everyone, while your friends all always say how amazing the other friend is.

The moment you realize you'll never achieve your goals because you need to be good at something you're not, because you lack an ability, because the more you try to learn, the more you get tired of even trying.

Mi buena amiga escribió un libro, se está publicando en Wattpad por el momento.

Se llama Helio. Denle apoyo plis. Les dejó el link

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

My good friend wrote a book, it's being published on Wattpad for the moment.

It's called Helio, give it love please. For the moment, it's only on Spanish. I leave you the link

https://www.wattpad.com/story/371509053?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=Rochely1702

Even though I have new friends i still alone sometimes. Things that happen

On other news I have the autograph of a Mexican movie director. Sooo... Good week (?

Our last names are very similar. He gave a masterclass on my school. Search him up it's Carlos Carrera

Por favor no sean alegóricos a decir gracias, hola, adiós, como estas. Se ven mal si no lo hacen, es decencia humana.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk

I literally just realize something

So, my parents are from de 60's meaning that if they went to Hogwarts, they could have met the marauders. You follow me till this point? Ok

On the other hand (and yes, this might reveal my age, but meh) if I went to Hogwarts, I should have been in the same year as James Sirius Potter

Like, wtf, this was why at the beginning I thought James and Lily were too young to have kids

So yeah, that was it, just my usual mightnight thoughts