Chaotic Academia - Blog Posts

I so badly want to be that mysterious and elusive college student at the local bookstore with a dark academia style and who no one can really tell the gender of, since I constantly interchange between presenting masc, fem, and andro.

listening to radiocreep while studying math from my exam by jotting down formulas and solutions on my tiled floor with an erasable gel crayon cause i don't have a whiteboard or an erasable marker >>>>

april 12, 2025 @ 02:20 AM

unhinged study hack of the night: doing a long-winded braindump on a topic like a AITA post with way too much preamble, and then commenting on it underneath with a bitchy TLDR to summarize the notes.

Thank you to all who made it out tonight! Hope to see you all soon!

study with me: until my candle fades or until we complete my checklist

streaming on twitch today until something extraordinary happens. make yourself a to-do list, grab yourself some water and a beverage or two of your choice and lets see what sucess can look like today!

added to the tea journal on stream today, recently moved my coffee station closer to where I work so I have all the tea, all the time! hoping this will also encourage me to try new tea to add more to the tea journal!

thank you to everyone who made it out to stream today! always appreciate your patience and support when it comes to internet connection and audio! hoping to find ways to improve stream as term dies down, if anyone may have any advice for beginner streamers that you would like to pass along, please do! :)

lazy sunday afternoon

come avoid the sunday scaries with me :)

late night study session

care to join?

looking for a late night study buddy?

look no further than here.

The Secret History

“Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it.”

“I prefer to think of it, he had said, as redistribution of matter.”

“It is is better to know one book intimately than a hundred superficially.”

“In short: I felt my existence was tainted, in some subtle but essential way.”

“Anything is grand if it's done on a large enough scale.”

“Forgive me, for all the things I did but mostly the ones i did not.”

“There is nothing wrong with the love of Beauty. But Beauty - unless she is wed to something more meaningful - is always superficial.”

Totally didn't make this like a year ago but posting it just now what definitely nott

dark academia moodboard set in uttar pradesh, india

"in the softened light i too am able to look at the taj without screwing up my eyes. as the boy said, it does not change. therein lies beauty." // ruskin bond, footloose in agra

Credit: autumnslittlesister

Why do random university essays have to shatter my reality? Brb gonna go recover from the implications of the French Revolution

Me to my boyfriend: it actually was cubitum eamus

it's always "hey" never "cubitum eamus"

Physical health should come before academia.

Remember it's okay to find something difficult and put it down to pick up again another day.

I don't understand my economic reading and I'm tired so I'm gonna focus on my history reading as its more understandable.

I love Russian history. I do not love calender conversions.

Why be a stressed STEM student when you can be unhealthy obsessed with the humanities and spend more time at university despite having way less contact hours.

The totality of history and how we physically can never know everything. That's all thank you.

"I am always jealous. I am ALWAYS jealous. No matter how much I have. I am always wanting more. I can't be filled. I can't be enough. I can't get everything. I want more. I want more. And I have so much love, blessings, accomplishments, money, talent----more than I deserve for free and I still chase for more. I still scoff at other's happiness. I still wish for their failures. I pray for their downfall. I want to see them get beautifully destroyed, just because I don't want to see them succeed. I still want what they have even if in reality, I don't need it, I want it so they can't have it. I am so petty, so mean, so ill. No wonder no one likes me. I am filled with so much hate and despair and spite that I could never ever have enough"

~one of my unfinished novels. <3

I am gonna take a break from TSH. Although it was because of that I started this blog. I have been very burned out with that book. I cleaned out my drafts. For the past three years of hyper-fixation made me learn about so many things. I have changed my opinions so much since I made my first post and it made me realise how you not only mature in age but also in your ideas about certain topics and characters.

It won't probably be my final post about TSH, I want to return to it a few years later to see it in a retrospective lens opposed to the rose-tinted one I wore when I completed the book for the first time.

My current thoughts on the characters;

Henry: loved him at first and I love him still. But for different reasons. I loved him when I first read the book because I was too in love with his character to realise the type of person he was. Even agreeing on his terrible decisions (ex: killing Bunny, bacchanal, etc...) but now I love him because he is so unhinged and terrible like the many morally grey/evil characters we all love.

Richard: for some reason I thought he was a good person who got wrapped in all this shit and wasn't bad. Now I think Richard is equally responsible for the tragedy by not reporting a murder and by being an actual accomplice to murder.

Camilla: my thoughts on her have changed the least. At first I used to think she was just the nicest of them. And then it changed to--- she is hiding a secret dark side or more layers we don't get to see.

Francis: I thought he was also the nicest, next to Camilla because he doesn't take any problematic actions. But it is his inability to take actions of his own that makes him bad. Although I still think he is underrated and often misunderstood

Charles: I couldn't stand Charles at first. And I can't just justify everything he did cuz he is terrible. It's just he is often used as a scapegoat to make Henry look better which I hate. He's a menace yes, but so is Henry!!!!!

Julian: I don't have a lot to say cuz we rarely see him. All I can say is he is not the mastermind of the whole story. He's a John Keating gone wrong example.

Bunny: my thoughts on Bunny have changed the most. From HATING him to feeling sympathy and even bad for him. I still won't agree he is somehow the best person out there, cuz he is definitely not. Bunny is hated to an extent that he doesn't deserve. And ounce and for all, he didn't deserve to die (I take back what I said about him in the past)

Judy: ounce a queen 👑 always a queen 👑

So this is it. Thanks TSH for being the bane and reason for my existence since the pandemic.

~ 🕊️

Funny enough the only two people I would be friends with (or interact with) in TSH if I was in the book are-----Bunny and Richard.

I am sorry as much as the others are more interesting. They are also TERRIFYING.

Bunny is an asshole, but I have met and been friends with so many assholes and even Judy likes him, he's the least problematic in the grand scheme of things.

And Richard is basic in a way he will never admit he is, he has his bad moments but he's still not that out of touch.

Do I adore Camilla? Yes. Would I talk to her? Nope, she would scare me. I won't be anywhere near Henry. I'll observe Francis from afar and I'll have a small talk ounce with Charles just cuz he looks like a friendly person. And that's it.

TSH but after Bunny's death, the rest of the gang start receiving mysterious messages about their secrets.

Like the twins are sleeping together, they killed the farmer, Richard isn't rich, Francis and Charles have a thing, they tried to escape jail by going to South America, Richard knew about the farmer but kept quiet, Henry and Camilla are secretly involved, Henry tried to kill Bunny with poison mushrooms, Henry and Julian's little kiss, Julian knew about the bacchanal etc.

At first they got these messages, they kept it to themselves. Finding letters and notes in their bags, pockets and books. They kept it to themselves until they went to Bunny's funeral.

And there one of Bunny's nephews runs to them and gives Henry a note addressed to them in a familiar handwriting.

"Did you think you got me buried under the snow? That you got rid of me? I am not gone bitches, I am still here, and I know everything.

- Kisses, B"

Henry Winter will ALSO tell you to look at wild ferns, and then push you off a cliff while you are looking for said ferns 🌿

Henry Winter will ask you for calculations about poison mushrooms and then try to frame you for killing HIS best friend

Richard missed a bullet, literally, when Henry killed himself. Or he was gonna get framed and into the prison because of Henry.

That's why he always made Richard do his errands at first, he was trying to collect fake evidence.

I want to see a TSH pov but from

✨ Julian's Version ✨

Julian knew about the bacchanal yes but he clearly had no idea that the farmer and Bunny were killed by the others, that's why he left immediately cuz he couldn't deal with the truth and the responsibility. Throughout the book he is confused about where all his students are and what they are doing, why they are acting like that. I just want to see him spiral as he figures things out. To see what they have become. Because of him.

(also I am just interested in Julian, like what was his deal? What was he doing all day? The book didn't have enough Julian. I wanted to know him better)

The way Richard thought all the guys---Henry, Bunny, Charles and Francis (who actually was) were gay in one way or another. Except for Camilla, she can't be sapphic, cuz that'll ruin his fantasy of her..... No wonder he was disappointed about the bacchanal, he missed the orgy he dreamed of 😂😂😂😂

Julian: where's Bunny?

Richard: doing stuff

Julian: where's Henry?

Richard: trying to stop Bunny from doing stuff

Julian: where is Charles?

Richard: trying to stop Henry from stopping Bunny from doing stuff

Julian: Camilla?

Richard: trying to stop Charles from stopping Henry from stopping Bunny from doing stuff

Julian, sighs: let me guess Francis is stopping Camilla?

Richard: no, he got tired of all this, drank a lot of vodka and took a nap

Julian: then why pray are you here?

Richard: I am trying to stop you from stopping Camilla from stopping Charles, from stopping Henry from stopping Bunny from doing stuff.

Julian: I can't believe I pay the college for shit like this....

The reason Bunny gets a shit load of hate despite him being the only one who is NOT an accomplice to murder is because of one simple thing:

His personality.

That is the reason we can't feel bad for him. We as a society have considered Homophobia and sexism one of the worst things you can ever do. Which is true.

Murder is justified in certain situations, especially when it's in a fictional universe/story, not saying Bunny's death was justified, but we can excuse murder----even the law excuses murder at times. It's something grey and understandable in certain situations. We have liked; even loved characters who have killed others simply because it is in a fictional story.

The reason we draw the line at Bunny's behaviour is because, Homophobia, Racism, Sexism/Misogyny as well other forms of discrimination are NEVER excusable. When someone says a slur, you can't excuse that by comparing them in terms of morality with other characters. In modern society, we don't accept slurs and derogatory remarks.

Maybe in the 90's and 2000's when the book was new and fresh, people might not have cared about Bunny's behaviour much, maybe they even sympathize with him and loved him, because it was a DIFFERENT TIME back then. We cannot tolerate things like that anymore and it makes people harder to sympathize with Bunny.

Other than all that, Bunny is annoying a lot of the time. He is not the loveable goof he thinks he is. He scams his friends. He is cocky and arrogant. He is dumb and condescending. He says the worst things at wrong times. He puts people down. He pokes fun at others weaknesses. And the more you see of him the worse he gets. Even to the point you wish he dies.......

And he does. It's in his death that Bunny is more humanized, as most people are, in death.

And it is SOOO frustrating because he is the sanest person in the entire class. The most normal and least indoctrinated in those beliefs.

Bunny Corcoran is a character I wanted to like. But he kept getting on my nerves and I found others more interesting than him. And after reading the book several times I can appreciate him more. Although I don't agree with so many theories about him being a "good" person.

Bunny doesn't need to be good. He doesn't need anyone defending him. He doesn't need excuses for his personality. He is annoying, sometimes endearing; he makes your blood boil and he's still gone too soon. His death is a tragedy. He wanted to live. Forever.

Bunny is Bunny

You love, you hate him, or you don't care about him

His existence is necessary for the story and it's time we don't fight about if he was an angel or the devil

He was a person. A deeply flawed, complex person. And we should appreciate him just for that.

~🕯️🕊️🐇

*TSH memes from incorrect quotes generator part 2*

____________________________________

Richard : Looking left cause you don’t treat me right

Francis : Looking right because you left

Charles : Looking up cause you let me down

Camilla: Looking down cause you fucked up

Henry: What is wrong with you guys

____________________________________

Henry : Favorite horror movie?

Richard : It

Charles : Saw

Camilla: Annabelle

Francis: High School Musical. after watching it I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I’d be the only one who didn’t know the lyrics

____________________________________

Richard : Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Francis : Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Charles : Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Camilla: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Henry: My moral code, is that you?

Richard :

Richard : I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

_________________________________________