Doing My Best - Blog Posts

So…. No chapter update today.

Despite best efforts, it’s just not ready and I’d rather hold on to it and give you guys something really good that I’m happy with than something blah that I throw out just to have it done.

Patience. The next update is coming this week and it will be a big one. 😉

Today I am trying to get ahead with my classes. My classes started this past Wednesday and it is now Saturday. I feel very disorganized because my asynchronous classes have me completing modules, but not all of the due dates are posted. It's really hard to find a schedule, but I'm going to set that up today. Today I'm working on:

1) reading curriculum guidelines on online experiences

2) making my initial discussion post about it

3) finding an old algebra or geometry textbook in my basement to help me brainstorm ideas for the 5+ hours of related internet instruction I'll be creating for a class

4) setting up an outline of my first lesson plan

5) reading 2 short chapters for another class

6) watching a presentation

7) looking at a long term assignment

8) making another initial discussion post

*I'd work at my desk but my father currently has Netflix blaring and is snoring. I can still hear literally everything but this is the quietest room in the house. If I go near him I'm probably going to end up screaming at him about how impossible it is to work in this house. My state is currently in full shut down (no indoor dining, no libraries for studying, I'm not allowed on school campus, etc). I guess my room is as good as it gets.

I’m the mother to a wonderful 7 week old, and at times I get sad because I don’t know what he wants when he’s crying and I’ve done everything possible for him, and I come to the conclusion that maybe it’s just me.

I’m very calm with him, I love him, I smile sweetly at him, I say to him that I understand that there’s a divide between us and I wish I could help him more as I kiss his chubby cheeks. And when he calms down, if he calms down, I hug him close until he falls asleep, and I but him down in his bassinet. I stare at him in such awe that I’m in love with this little creature, that when I sit down and focus on my breath, I realize that I’m dying a little on the inside.

My child breaks me everyday, but when he looks at me and focuses on me, I pick myself up again and start all over.

I realize I’m very hard on myself, but with my history, I gravitate towards it because it’s my punishment. I’ll admit that I love my child more than myself, that I care about him more than myself, but I’ll keep going because he needs me, and I need him.

I need him.