Deppresion - Blog Posts

This is exactly how I remember it.

A family vacation coming up

The day before we leave

She was super excited about it just yesterday,

But I noticed she seemed a little sad.

Today its just...distant.

Quiet...short responses...but most of all

The feeling 8n the air itself that terrible things are about to happen.

It's easier now, to see that it is probably my ptsd...

But it does confirm that there is ptsd to work through, and that makes me sad.

Because I'm fidgeting just hoping and praying and doing everything in my power to be kind and thoughtful and PERFECT

Because I trained myself for years to avoid the outburst I could never keep from coming.

Watch "Tom MacDonald - BEST RAPPER EVER" on YouTube

Amazing. Nothing unusual there.

Laughter feels good for about 3 seconds.

Then melancholy quickly plummets into despair and longing.

Must ignore

Must push back

d o n t t h i n k a b o u t i t

Sometimes trying to remind yourself that a new love-interest won't help is like trying to convince a diabetic that even a little sugar is bad for them.

Thinking about a future without you used to fill me with feelings of dissatisfaction.

Now, with no other options, it fills me with grief. A dread so deep, you almost don't want to.

I really don't want to...

Envisioning a future, a happy future, without you is more difficult for me than imagining I am a dragon or a shrimp. It feels empty and fake; a blank page covered in brand-name stamps.

Today's not really different.

Just another fucking day.

Wake up, get dressed, go to work and wait.

Waiting is what got me here

Waiting for something impossible to happen.

We should have left the first time you asked me.

But you wanted me to finish college,

Wanted me to follow my dreams.

Too bad you couldn't summon the strength when you most needed it

To keep holding on for me.

I had hoped you'd do it for yourself,

But clearly

Neither of those were enough.

The nature of our relationship was not one born of lust or desire. It was irrational, illogical, and instinctual.

Ours is a connection, a magnetism, two polarized forces turned to attract the other. It is an orbit born of gravity and inertia, a centripetal force between us two constantly keeping our centers inseparable.

I felt you in my chest, beneath my sternum, and in my gut, between the hollow of my ribs. I feel the place where our souls used to dance like a giant's fist has ripped out my insides.

I want to scream, and everytime silence finds me, crawls inside me all I hear is my broken voice screaming your name until my lungs ache and my throat bleeds and my blood drips from the corners of my mouth and all I taste is salt.

I have lost the desire to numb myself because I know there is nothing that will numb me. Anything I do will crank my ribs open and lay everything I no longer have bare for anyone to see. It is a dark bloody husk inside my chest with shriveled lungs and a bruised heart that kept beating for you and believed in your promises and aspirations.

My grief is unmatchable, it refused to grow and move, I remain stuck now as I have for the past two munths; in firm denial.

Our connection is irrational, illogical...

And now so am I.

People always say "you matter in this world and to others", I know I matter.

People always say "you can get through it", I know I can.

People always say "you will get better", I know I will...

People always say "you can be happy", I'm sure I can.

People always say "it will get better", statistically that is fact.

People always say "you never know", and they are correct.

People always say "you are not alone", and I'm not.

But the person who mattered is gone, I don't want to fight anymore, I want to be better, but I don't want a different happiness, I don't want a new better, I know he is gone, the person I most wanted to be with is gone.

I matter, I know it will pass but sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to take the only option I have to get him back...

But I won't.

Because he made me a promise, and now that promise is mine to uphold.

I promised I would live on...so I will.

No matter what.

Today is hard and horrible; my wounds gaping and sore. Every moment brings another knife of memory from before.

Anger pulses through me followed by crippling sadness. I feel nothing but my own craving for madness.

I'd give anything, everything, just to go back; just to wake up hung over after New Years again.

I would do so much different, and so much the same, but in the end my only goal would be to save you.

You: passionate, loyal, brave and kind. Cursed and playful with a magnificent mind.

It's almost been two months and I still cannot see how there is any possibility that you gave up on me.

Yesterday was hard, today is much the same. My sobriety is one of the few things I have left that are purely good and I am happy to say that just for today I feel happy being and staying sober. I just keep reminding myself that things will get better.

And if they don't, we'll at least I can look forward to the end.

Today is harder than any day I ever thought I'd bare;

It's even harder cause I'm surrounded by people who do not care.

They may care about me and the pain that runs through,

But they are perfectly incapable of actually missing you.

I feel that you're still out there though it does feel far away;

How am I supposed to accept that you have gone a different way?

I've loved and fought for so long I don't know how to stop,

And it's even fucking harder to finally give up.

I worshipped you, I prayed for you, I fell down to my knees

Hopin' and prayin' for a life we fought to see;

But now you've taken your own life and brought it to an end;

I thought that at the very least I'd find a way to call you friend.

I thought I had accepted that our love just couldn't be,

But what I failed to realize was how strong you were still holding on to me.

I was holding onto hope for us harder than any drug I've had,

Even though I knew that any ending would only turn out bad.

But this was not an end that I'd ever thought I'd see,

Now you're gone and taken every single piece of me.

That was me three hours ago, I wish I got stuck in traffic or got really lost and needed GPS. Work sucks, especially when you have to fake smile at everyone who enters. But the customer is always right.

You know, sometimes when life shows you your new job is close to a town your family lives in, take a chance and drive down that road. Take a moment to reflect and remember how life was back then compared to now. And if you want, play your tunes or the radio. Follow the road until you get to a point or where you need to go. There's no shame in driving down those familiar roads.

And if you can't drive yet or unable to, walk down the sidewalks and do the same thing in your neighborhood. You'll get the same feeling. How time has passed on and yet, you know the way to church or a relatives house. No shame in it.