Borderline - Blog Posts

I lost an uncle due to suicide because of his bipolar disorder, my family couldn’t accept his mental health issues and now I’m living the same.

Always enjoy, appreciate and give back everything you get from family love.

Here’s a little bit of a story I want to tell to raise mental health awareness. I grew up in Poland. I was always told my uncle died from a heart attack. I never got to meet him. When I was older, I learned that he committed suicide 5 years before I was born. He suffered with schizophrenia. The mental health system in Poland in the 70-80s was more than just incompetent. They did nothing for my uncle other than make him the laughing stock of the small village we lived in. My family stopped talking to him. He was considered the disgrace of the family that only caused problems. He didn’t get the help he needed. And he was driven to suicide. This summer was the first time I visited his grave. Shortly after I dug up this picture. All I could do is cry. The boy on the left is my uncle, the one in the middle is my father, and on the far right my grandmother. My uncle was a good man. And he’s still rarely spoke of in parts of my family. Even though I never met him, I feel like that chance was taken from me. Please, make sure your family members that suffer from mental illness get the help they need. Spread awareness that ignoring a problem can bring. Please, help me honor my uncle. I wish he was still around to smile like he did in this picture.

Egyre többet gondolok arra, hogy mennyivel konyebb lenne nekem es mindenkinek ha mar nem lennek. Vege lehetne ennek a szenvedesnek. Nincsenek barataim, nem talalom a helyem sehol, nem ulok le enni, nem nevettem oszinten egy jot evek ota, egyre csak azt erzem, hogy robbanok le, ezen az insomnia sem segit, nem tudok lefekudni aludni normalisan az agyba, nincs egy napi rutinom es nem erzem hogy barki is igazan szeretne vagy kivancsi lenne ram. Egyszeruen ugy elvagyok veszve ahogy csak lehet. Harcolok meg nyomom de mi a faszomnak? Hogy kijojjon meg par zene amit hude elek vagy meg tobb programon vegyek reszt ahol nem erzem jol magam es igazabol olyan emberekkel vagyok akiket nem is erdeklek? Meddig toljam meg ezt az egeszet? Maganyos vagyok egyedul vagyok es nem latom a kiutat

annyira szorogtam az elmult időszakban, hogy az állkapcsomat ugy szoritottam, hogy letort a fogam

még mindig nem tudok az ágyamban aludni. nem találom a helyem és nem érzem otthon magam. talán még a saját testemben, fejemben sem érzem itthon magam.

egyre ritkábban sirok és elképesztően érzéketlen lettem mindenre és mindenkire.

olyan mintha az agyam sirna és nem tudom mi lenne ami leállitaná vagy mi lenne ami segiteni tudna rajta.

imadom, hogy anyam olyan charotte yorkosan letett egy konyvet a lakasomon aminek a cime lehetne a ne nyird ki, inkabb talald meg onmagad. apam meg szigoru tekintettel vegigasszisztalta a dolgot.

amugy az mekkora öröm lehetett amikor vártad az uj kedvenc számod a rádióban, vagy a koncertet hogy hallhasd es vegre megszolalt.

Kibaszottul mind halottak vagyunk es egy fél karnyujtasra van minden. Senki semminek nem örül és ezert vagytok mindannyian ekkora fos szarfaszuak.

mi a helyzet?

a helyzet: 3hèt -9kg

amikor rám ül egy ilyen nyugis hangulat és mikor megyek dolgozni azt érzem, hogy csönd van pedig tudjátok milyen a belváros reggelente akkor elkezdek aggodni. Ha a nap végéig nem basz fel semmi akkor meg már félek.

köztudott hogy az öngyilkosságot egy ilyen megnyugvás előzi meg, vicces, hogy annyi mumus van az ágy alatt és annyi pazichopata körülötted, de te mégis saját magadtól félsz a legjobban.

amikor olyan buszon vagy villamoson utazok ami olyan környéken megy ahol nem vagyok ismeros vagy csak antipatikus (ha egy kornyekre lehet ezt hasznalni. lehet mert ezt hasznaltam.) olyan mintha az emberek egytol egyik tudnak, hogy en itt egy betolakodo vagyok es lehet dolgom van arra es mintha masik korzetbol jottem volna. Ilyenkor az sem segitene ha leszallnek mert akkor ott leszek a wrong kornyeken es vissza kell szallni ujabb eszkozre ujabb gyanakvo emberek koze.

az elöbb hallottam valami zajt a lakásban, és csak tök nyugodtan odaszóltam, hogy meg se próbáld, pszichopata vagyok, ne kezdj ki velem mert addig ütlek amig bele nem halsz és viccesnek fogom találni.

ha betörö, ha szellem: it’s gone

nemtudom melyikőtök ment már át a klinikai depresszion, de van az amikor elkezded átaludni a napokat aztán fent vagy egész éjszaka, majd mész dolgozni és ujra fent vagy és lebetegszel majd és már lassan ki sem kelsz az agyból.

Elkezdődött ujra. Sose voltam ilyen magányos és nemtudom mit csináljak, hogy ne csússzak vissza. A legutolso major depressziom két évig tartott. Ebből most tényleg nem fogok kijönni élve és már most sirok is a telefonom fölött

ha jeffrey dahmer tudatosan on purpose csinálta volna amit csinált és nem a mentális betegségei hajtották volna akkor a legtökéletesebb ( i know tragikus) amerikai társadalomkritika lett volna és senki mást nem őt kéne hibáztatni hanem elkezdhetett volna magába nézni a világ.

alkalmatlan szülők mentális betegsèggel, értelmetlen gyógyszer adagolás, terápia hiánya, a mental well-being eltiprása a környezet által, leszarjuk a gyereket, toxic masculinity, függőségek, homofóbia, vallási fanatizmus, kisebbségi elnyomás, lobotómiai kisérletek a homoszexualitás gyógyitására, a homo társadalom bezárkózása, utána a média ostobasága

i’m telling you mai napig ugyan ezekkel a problémákkal küzdünk csak nincs aki tükröt mutasson. Mindenki azzal foglalkozott, hogy ő maga az ördög nem pedig azzal, hogy ugyan babám why? és lehet, hogy mindenki hibás ebben nem?

ha ő egy virág lenne és ennyire ‘tönkrement’ volna top to bottom akkor ő lenne a hibás vagy a föld, viz, fény, kártevők?

f u n f a c t

15 évesen volt az első beszélgetésem a szüleimmel amikor mondtam, hogy szerintem meg kéne ölnöm magam mert nem vagyok jól, sose beszéltünk róla többet.

10 évvel később magamtól mentem el megoldást keresni amikor felfogtam, hogy mekkora baj van.

pontosan olyan érzés ez, mint amikor bepakolgatsz minden fost a liked songsba spotyn és rámész a shuffle playre es nemtudod leállítani.

huha. bordiként nem láttam a terapeutám honapok ota. hát mit ne mondjak; kurvanagy kula van eleg intense

Things to know when you love someone suffering from depression

“When the depression holds you down, life becomes water. The air around you becomes water that paralyzes you with its weight and even the simplest tasks are difficult at once. You feel lazy, mentally and physically, and nothing can free you from it.”

Outsiders often find it difficult to understand what happens in people suffering from depression. To this day, some prejudices and myths about the disease persist, which makes it difficult not only for those affected, but also for the people close to them.

The worst thing is fear It’s not just the fear that it will never be over. Or that it could get worse. It is also the fear that friendships or relationships will break with it. That people turn away because they simply don’t understand the situation. Because they can’t understand that appointments sometimes have to be cancelled at the last minute because it’s just not a good day. If you love or are friends with a depressed person, you should let him know as often as possible that this fear is unfounded.

It’s a real disease. Depressions are considered mental illness, but that doesn’t make them any less bad and no less noticeable. They are not visible, and perhaps not tangible, but that does not mean that they are not there. In fact, they can be proven. If the brain lacks chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline or norepinephrine, this triggers a mental imbalance.

The simplest things can be a big challenge For a person with depression, it can be a challenge to get out of bed. To take a shower. To drive to work. Those who have never suffered from depression cannot understand this. That’s why you just have to trust that the person is telling you the truth and not trying to compare your reality with his or her reality.

There’s not always a logical reason Depression is deceitful. Affected people can have a good day and suddenly the depression pulls them into the abyss. There does not always have to be an understandable reason for this. Sometimes sadness can hardly be explained, the pain can hardly be put into words. Don’t try to find a reason you can relate to. Try to accept the situation.

Depression doesn’t disappear when you “pull yourself together” Sayings like “Get a grip on yourself” or “get over it” are incredibly hurtful for people with depression. They reinforce their sense of disappointment. Of course, they try to overcome the disease. But just like any other disease, it doesn’t work overnight. It’s a fight, not just a decision.

You probably don’t know how bad it really is People with depression often try to hide the real abysses of their condition. Often they don’t want to admit to themselves how bad they feel and that they need help. If you love a person with depression, it is quite possible that he has not told you how gloomy it really is in him. Maybe because he wants to protect you both and your relationship.

Your loved one doesn’t want to be a burden on you People who fight against depression don’t want to be a burden on others. They don’t want to transfer their negative mood to others. Depressive do not seek attention or compassion - on the contrary. What they crave the most is to be treated like everyone else.

There is more than one reality When someone is obviously going through a difficult time, it is a natural impulse to describe his own experiences to make it clear that one can understand his or her suffering. But in most cases you can’t do that. Your reality has nothing to do with his or her reality. Most of all, you can help by listening.

Their depression has nothing to do with you If you love a person with depression, it is important to understand that his or her state of mind has nothing to do with you. That can be very difficult sometimes. If your partner is in a bad mood, the fear that it could be because of yourself is obvious. But it is important to understand that a person’s depression basically has nothing to do with anyone but him-/herself - not you.

It’s okay if you’re dissatisfied Loving someone who suffers from depression is a challenge. They need your love and attention, they need to know that you support them. But that doesn’t mean that your feelings and moods count less. If you’re dissatisfied, you can say the same thing. This is the only way to find out what works best for both of you.

Some people love themselves so little that they cannot understand when someone else loves them

What do you think is most important in a relationship?

Trust

Only when both partners fully trust each other can you really feel comfortable in the relationship. If you mistrust your partner, the basis for happiness is missing. Because no matter which shared experience you share - a bad feeling remains.

Communication

Talk to each other. And more importantly, listen to each other. Anyone who recognizes problems at an early stage and clears them out of the way through a conversation has better chances of remaining happy in the relationship.

Security

Providing security for your partner is not that difficult. Be reliable and abide by agreements. Those who stand their partners up or do not support them in important situations will not remain happy for long.

Caring

Care for each other. And that doesn’t just apply if you or your partner are feeling bad. Always take care of your partner. This will make you both feel safe and secure in your relationship.

Common values and interests

If you are interested in the same things, it is easier to find common topics for discussion. Leisure time is also easier to arrange for both. However, be sure to do things without your partner. You’ll soon have nothing left to tell each other.

Humor

Laugh whenever you can. Of course, a similar sense of humor is helpful. If you are far apart when it comes to humor, avoid looking at things that one of you can’t relate to. That just leads to arguments.

Happiness

Experience and share beautiful things. If you have the same interests, this will of course be much easier. Very important: Make yourself aware of your happiness and tell your partner how you feel. Not only crises, but also common happiness brings people together.

Type of relationship

Share as much as possible with each other and exchange information intensively. Put your partner very high on the priority list. The closer your relationship is without restricting others, the better your chances of lasting happiness.

Love

Try to keep the feeling of being in love. The tingling sensation remains in the stomach and the relationship remains exciting for a long time. But how do you do it? Surprises are the easiest way. And they don’t even have to be big. Do you know that your partner likes to nibble a certain treat, bring it to him/her. If (s)he’s been looking for a particular record for a long time, try to find it. If you try your best, you can keep the feeling of being in love for a long time.

Misconceptions about depression

The burgeoning frustration of being asked to "pull oneself together" The bitter truth is that you can't just drop depression overnight - and whoever says so conveys a less than helpful message. Such sayings are often due to a lack of understanding of mental illness. When relatives don't understand what's going on, they react with statements like "don't be so upset" or "Stop feeling sorry for yourself". Such statements are made whenever there is no understanding of underlying diseases and chemical abnormalities. Such comments are probably the most irritating.

Depressions are constantly mistaken for sadness It is a widespread prejudice that depression is caused by excessive sadness.

There are no small victories For people suffering from chronic depression, there are no small victories because every achievement is a great victory. While daily routine routines are quite normal for most people, they are a much greater achievement for depressive people. Almost every activity or task becomes painful agony, even simple things like taking a shower or getting dressed.

Loss of motivation means more than a normal afternoon low The low at 3:00 PM, when you feel like you need your third cup of coffee, is hardly comparable to the drop in energy levels when you are depressed. Due to this lack of motivation, a depression can feel like the muscles are no longer functioning. It makes it really difficult to go to work, to concentrate, to laugh, to focus on tasks when you suffer so much.

You have physical symptoms - and they are just as strenuous as the emotional ones In some ways, depression is seen as a state of mind, but this is a big misunderstanding. For many people, depression does indeed contain serious physical symptoms. Many people therefore do not consider themselves depressed but believe that something else is wrong. If you suffer from depression, this can worsen existing physical ailments. Other physical symptoms include restlessness, indigestion, nausea, headaches and fatigue in joints and muscles. These physical symptoms in combination with the psychological symptoms influence the normal daily routine. It's all connected.

Things that used to be fun are no longer as amusing as they used to be Depression can affect even the smallest pleasures in life. Meeting up with friends, leisure activities like golf and even intimacy with your partner - all this is not as exciting as it used to be. Depression changes life dramatically. These listlessness combined with physical symptoms are all warnings when diagnosing the disease. In order to help someone who may be in such a depression, it is advisable to approach him or her impartially and offer constant support, including help in finding a treatment option.

The problems of expressing one's feelings When you are suffering from depression, it is sometimes difficult to put into words what goes on in you because you know that not everyone around you feels the same way - especially when the disease is stigmatized. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, only 25 percent of all adults with mental health problems expect sympathy to be shown to people with mental health problems. Depression creates a negative image of yourself, the world and the future. Everything is perceived as through dark glasses. When people suffer from depression, they are usually convinced that no one understands them - and this is a really difficult situation.

There is no universal clinical picture Everyone experiences the depression in his or her own way, which is why one should deal sensitively with relatives who are struggling with it. The symptoms are different, the causes are different, the treatment methods are different. Work, relationships, families - this disease changes everything. Some people need medication. For others, long-term psychotherapy can be the solution. Depending on what works. I'm not saying that my way is the best for someone else. But I say that everyone can find his or her own way of healing - and the most important thing is to always stick to it. Never giving up.

There are two ways to help others overcome the agony of depression. On the one hand, any thoughts that uphold the stigma of mental illness should be banished. We need much more openness, transparency and understanding of the fact that it is okay to call depression a disease. It's not weakness. It is not a moral deficit. It is not something that the victims themselves have produced. And you have to understand that this is a very important start to help a family member with depression.

Everyday life is a reality that is consciously dreamed every day - a waking dream, a clear dream. The ego that acts in this external sphere is hardly ever the initiator of its actions. And people whose sphere of activity is narrowed and limited tend to have depressing dreams.

Contacts

Contacts imply the willingness to show myself. Without contact to the people around me I would become even more lonely. Yes, I am actually dependent on it in difficult situations. As the mental pressure increases, help takes on a different meaning.

Open up

It's important to me to show the people around me how I feel. Dropping the mask, putting me through to others. This is not an easy task and requires a lot of effort. Feelings of shame and worthlessness are spreading. Opening up to this vulnerability is unfamiliar.

World off – Headphones on

Where does this emptiness come from? What can I do to make myself feel better? How long will the darkness last? The difficult thing about depression is that there is often no satisfactory answer. At least not fast. But how do I encounter something that has no reference? No beginning, no end?

The picture with the curves you drew

Over time I learned to deal with difficult feelings like loneliness, fear and hopelessness. That doesn't mean they've lost their horror for me. It means a lot more, they're familiar to me. I can face them differently.

I find the loss of strength much more serious. Dealing with the inner emptiness is already a challenge for me. To still go further, to raise me up again and again. Without energy, even that becomes a farce. When simple daily routines exhaust me, the fear grows that I will not be able to get up again at some point.

Silence sometimes is the loudest cry

Wounded Life

When I was on the ground for the first time, I felt how stale advice can be. When the energy fades, the dreams dissolve into air, another era begins. If the body fails to obey its obedience, the old strategies no longer work. Suddenly many things become strenuous. Very strenuous.

Light does not mean that there is no more night, but that the night can be illuminated and overcome.

We hope for joy, ease and success in life. Unpleasant aspects such as sadness, loneliness and illness can be left out. Wounded life takes place behind closed doors. Somewhere where, if possible, nobody sees us. For a long time I approached my goals full of energy and passion. With enthusiasm, perseverance, patience and willpower everything seemed to be possible. It's a nice feeling. To set out to discover the world. Until I was suddenly torn out of my dreams.

The Great Void

A shadow lay over my life. The laughing, the happiness became less. The sadness grew. At first I was astounded. The change came creeping and yet unstoppable. I felt a void in which everything seemed to drown. A black hole in which my zest for life sank. I lead a rich life. Rich in meaning, rich in hobbies, rich in people, rich in tasks, rich in wealth. Yet this great void in me. Is that possible? Is that allowed? Am I not grateful enough? What have I done wrong?