Stigma - Blog Posts

someone: hi

me: did you know the narrative that school shooters in the US are all bullying victims is false and originates from inaccurate coverage of one of the most infamous school shootings, the columbine shooting? in reality the columbine shooters were reactionaries who isolated themselves deliberately and followed an ideology that positioned them "above" the rest. so, a lot of school shooters are actually ideologically motivated rather than revenge motivated. no one knows this and the media paints these murderers as victims. do you want to know what the columbine effect is? also I have a lot to say about "stranger danger" as a conservative fear campaign to promote the isolated nuclear family

i got them back to back on my first two ten pulls

i am cluster b but i do not have aspd so same as last time pls tell me if i got anything wrong 👍🏻

Stigmata

begin or euphoria? lie or serendipity? stigma or singularity? first love or seesaw? reflection or love? mama or just dance? awake or epiphany?

If you ignore your child's mental illness, you have zero right to complain about how they act.

Nasi Uduk Buatan Mak

@miakamiya 

Mirah menatap sepiring nasi uduk sisa dagangan Mak pagi itu. Meski hanya menjual nasi uduk saja, setiap pagi nasi uduk Mak memiliki rasa berbeda.

Entah orek tempe yang agak keras, bawang goreng layu, atau bihun yang kaku. Ya, bihun yang sudah dimasak itu kembali agak kaku dan menempel karena terlalu lama mendiami wadah rantang yang terpapar panas matahari di atas meja dagangan.

Mak, seperti biasa, mondar-mandir antara dapur dan meja dagangan. Mulutnya sibuk mengoceh sejak awal selepas Mirah menyendok nasi uduk dari termos nasi.

“Duit dari mana? Ini Mak susah-susah dagang buat kamu sekolah supaya kamu lekas kerja, Mir.”

“Opo kamu ora kasian liat Mak capek kerja sampe kamu lulus?”

“Bukannya bantuin Mak kerja, kamu malah bilang mau kuliah. Koyok Mak mu ini wong sugih wae.”

Mata Mirah pedih, kupingnya panas mendengar perkataan Mak. Meski begitu, Mirah bergeming.

Mulutnya sibuk mengunyah, sementara matanya menatap kosong sarapannya itu. Nasi uduk pagi buatan Mak selalu terasa hambar akibat ucapan Mak yang itu-itu melulu.

Kenapa musti Mirah yang mengalah, Mak? Apa Mirah tak berhak berusaha dapat yang Mirah mau? Cita-cita bak barang mewah bagi keluarga ini.

Anak-anak dilahirkan seperti hanya sebuah alat untuk menambah kantong pemasukan mereka. Apa aku dilahirkan hanya untuk itu?

Aku tahu aku dilahirkan dari keluarga tak punya, tapi wajibkah aku mengikuti seluruh ucapan mereka? Mereka mengatur hidupku menjadi apa yang mereka dikte.

Mereka menyalahkan takdir miskin yang mereka alami sebab aku dan adik-adikku lahir. Pemasukan mereka harus dibagi untuk kelima anak-anaknya.

Kenapa mereka tidak berusaha mengubah nasib mereka sendiri, sebelum menyuruh orang lain untuk mengubah nasib mereka? Sehingga ketika kami lahir, kami berada di keluarga yang cukup dan pernyataanku, “Mak, Mirah mau kuliah,” tidak menjadi cerita panjang saat sarapan pagiku.

Mak, seandainya Mirah benar angkat kaki, apakah Tuhan langsung melabeliku “anak durhaka”? apakah Tuhan tidak suka dengan hambanya yang ingin sekolah lagi? Apakah Tuhan tak senang melihat hambanya pintar? Apakah Tuhan tak ingin melihat hambanya berusaha mengubah takdirnya?

“Kapan Mak nimang cucu? Bagi Mak sekolah sampai SMA sudah cukup yang penting bisa itung-itungan toh, moco karo nulis. Kalo kamu kuliah kapan Mak istirahatnya, emang kowe ra kasian?”

“Ra usahlah sekolah tinggi-tinggi nanti kamu bakalan kayak Mak, di rumah, di dapur, urus keluarga juga.”

“kalau masih mau lanjut Mak nggak bisa kasih uang buat adek-adekmu sekolah, kamu mau mereka lulusan SD? Dibodoh-bodohi orang nanti, hah?”

“Mak dulu kawin sama Bapakmu umur 17, nggak punya biaya juga buat sekolah, Mak kerja seusia kamu.”

“Nanti apa kata orang, Mak punya perawan tua, kelamaan sekolah, nanti laki-laki di sini nggak mau nikah sama kamu. Kamu mau Mak diomongin sama tetangga, gitu?”

Entah mengapa, setiap kata-kata yang Mak keluarkan, ia menangkap rasa takut dari Mak. Seperti tersirat jika Mirah kuliah ia nantinya akan punya uang dan bekerja di Jakarta setelah lulus. Ia akan meninggalkan Mak dan tak akan kembali ke rumah.

Cuma kata-kata yang menakut-nakuti saja yang Mak keluarkan dan hendak meragukan keinginanku—yang kata Mak hal itu merupakan keegoisanku. Mirah tersenyum getir di sela-sela mengunyah nasi dan orek tempe dalam mulutnya.

Mirah melahap nasi terakhir dan kerupuk sebagai penutup. Ia membawa piring kotor ke dapur, lalu mencucinya. Selepas meletakkan piring dan sendok, Mirah berbalik ke arah Mak yang memunggunginya.

“Mak, Mirah dapat beasiswa kuliah di Jakarta.”

28/8/2020

"They hurt you because they like you." Needs to stop.

I come on here today to bring forward an issue that I have personally dealt with myself.

Most of us females, when we're young, are taught that a boy likes us if he is hurting us, by bullying us, throwing things at us, pulling our hair, pushing us around, you name it. Anything a boy at a young age could possibly think of doing, they did it. When I told my mother about a boy bullying me when I was still in elementary school, from 1st to 4 grade, and even when I see him now, in 11th grade, he treats me like shit. Any chance he got, he used it to hurt me, whether that was emotionally or physically. He'd get his little sidekick friend to chase me around the elementary playground and throw the rubber at my back, so much so that it could cause burns and bruises. I never told my mom that, because when I did, I was told "oh. that's because he likes you."

He abused me, and yet, I still liked him. I still had that stupid little crush on him, even if he hurt me. I was young and impressionable, and I didn't know any better. When I was told "it's because he likes you", that tells me, my little, underdeveloped brain, that it is OKAY for men to treat me like shit, because they love me, and THAT'S why I should stay. I should ALLOW men, with their big fat egos and fragile masculinity, to treat ME like shit because they 'LIKE' me.

In my first relationship, I was treated like shit by my girlfriend and some of her friends. People that I considered my friends. Yet I was gaslighted, I was manipulated and verbally abused by these people who I thought cared about me. People I thought LOVED me. I thought that love was enough, even if they treated me like shit, maybe, deep down, I even thought I deserved it. That I was the one in the wrong. I wasn't in the wrong. They didn't care, they didn't love me, platonically, or otherwise. They abused me, they neglected me. It's been years and still, their actions and words cover me in their shadows. I'm still healing.

Still, to this day, I let people walk all over me, because I push so many people away in fear of the manipulation and abuse that I may be put through, and I have no one else. I don't allow myself to go out and meet new people because I'm so afraid of losing them if I get attached. And I know this, but I also know where it comes from. I've let people walk over me all my life, just because I was taught that it was okay for people to do that because they love me. I was a kid, and I needed acceptance, so I let it happen, but I was never faced with acceptance.

For my whole life, I've been told "he hurts you because he likes you.", and only one time had I brought it up, recently this year, and my mom realized, "Wait... he did that to you? Why didn't you tell me?" My mom realized her error, and while I do forgive her, I cannot forgive those words that set up the first years of my life.

That is why we cannot tell children these things. If you teach your kids that it is okay for them to be abused out of 'love', then you're not only part of the problem, but you are setting them up for the life of a victim. A victim may never understand what love really is because when they think love, they think ABUSE, they think hitting, yelling, throwing things, and cursing. No one deserves to live life as a victim of anything, and it is our job to help future generations NOT grow up like we did. We're supposed to teach generations after us that abuse is never the way, that abuse is NOT love, and it never will be. Abuse. Is. Abuse. Let's start saying it like it is.