Find your tribe in a Sea of Creativity
If today was my last How would I spend it? would I take in all the little things, gathering all those little details that I have always missed, my head has always been too full of all these things that keep me up at night. Or would I still just float through it all Still just a shell of the kid I once was, all the vibrancy and wonder having left years ago.
Would I go to the library? to collect a few last lines Letting them live on the tip of my tongue. only to set them free with my last breath. letting the feeling of ink on the page, be the last thing my fingertips will feel. the smell of paper and secrets, invading my senses and welcoming me home at last.
Would I go to the school that has hallways I have haunted? having drifted through them, my eyes empty and my brain always too full with all those thoughts. stopping in the classes to whisper a few final goodbyes even though nobody would notice or hear me pausing the disorder and energy in those hallways, for just a few moments, finally letting myself take it all in.
would I go to the forest wherein the deepest part I could lie on its soft grass floor, in the utter calm of it letting my lungs finally breathe in the crisp air, the feeling of its coldness expanding within them. closing my eyes for the last time, finally letting myself feel at peace and safe, hearing the bird's singing floating around me, their cries being the last thing I will ever hear.
My last words will be uttered so softly that not even the wind would hear them, when they escape this prison of my mind, floating away with my final exhale. My last breath will flow out feeling free for the first time, escaping into the world seeing it all.
Take me to the sea. Where the air is crisp, and the smell of salt clings to it. Where the winds pull in the sound of the waves to the shore where I can finally hear them calling my name begging me to join them begging me to follow them into the deepest depths
Take me to the cliffs. where I can see the whole world in front of me with the deep sapphire sea stretching out to the horizon where it finally ends on the cliffs where the winds whip around me whispering those words of encouragement beckoning me to the edge telling me to take those last few steps To let those jagged rocks at the bottom welcome me home.
Take me to the forest. Where the trees swallow all the light leaving only the darkness to call my name inviting me to explore The air seems to be alive, swirling around me. Calling to me telling me to rest coaxing me to let the darkness and all the creatures in To let them devour me, control me. To guide me and welcome me home
Mama, don’t you know your little baby is sitting in their room? Crying their eyes out screaming for help Screaming for you to help them Begging for you to love them for who they are
Mama, can’t you see the way they're pleading? How their pleading for you to love them For you to finally tell them they're good enough For you to please noticed this once how much they need you.
Mama, do you ignore the blank stares and the emptiness? The way they wear barcodes on their body How no matter how much they try, they can't get you to love them
Mama, do you ignore all the blood and tears? Pretending you don't hear them crying out at night Acting like you don't notice the blood and bandages.
Mama do you spend your days looking for new ways to hurt them? You filled their heart with all your spite and hatred. Poisoning your little baby before they had a chance to grow Making them believe they were a weed Never let them be able to believe in anything else.
Death is an art practiced with such care
The life, the love, the pain it demands to leave
How can one then just wait?
Nothingness appeals more than the inconsistencies
For what's dead inside had already made peace with fate.
You werent sudden daylight in the dark, you’re the gentle moonlight on a summer night
I thought i crawled my way out of the dark, that i carved a home into that darkness all on my own. I had, in a sense. Then i met you. The darkness had ebbed back a bit from what i did, but when i met you it went from a flood to a kiddy pool. It wasnt sudden, that’s probably why i didnt notice it at first, but that darkness became easier. I went from completely lost, to clawing my way to a better place, to making friends with it, to letting it carry me through life until i met you, and then i started to actually live again. I didnt know how or why but being around you made me feel better. Even when i was dating a friend, even when i saw him in the morning and was happy to see him, i never felt that pure lightness i did when i was around you. And then we broke up. I got closer to you. I was falling in love without even realizing it. I fell in love with you slowly, a little more with every smile and giggle and late night conversation until suddenly i was in too deep to go back. It was like being caught in a riptide, only this time instead of being swept up into the dark i was swept into the arms of the sun. Even after i realized i loved you i didnt tell you for a couple months. I was scared to lose that warmth. I had gotten so used to the chill i didnt even realize i was cold, but then out of seemingly nowhere i was warm. It was completely unexpected but at the same time made complete sense. I didnt realize it was love for a long time, but what else could it be, it made total sense. Gods the first time i hugged you after telling you i love you really did feel like being in the arms of the sun. I used to be scared of physical contact. I still am in most ways, with most people. But with you, with you its a need, a craving so deep i dont think it’ll ever leave and i never want it too. And i dont know how it happened, but falling in love with you made that darkness change. I realized i had been trying to make it go away, but i never needed to do that. It’s still there, but it’s no longer lurking, waiting for me to slip into the undercurrent and carry me away, No. In falling in love with you i fell in love with the world, with life, with myself. It was the small things. The warmth of a hug, of the sun, the color of your eyes, then the color of my eyes, your smile, then one day i realized i didnt hate my smile like i used to. I had convinced myself that i looked horrible smiling and looked much prettier with a neutral expression. But around you i smiled so much, you smiled so much, that it made me realize my smile isnt bad at all. I still think i look prettier without a smile most times, but now i know i dont have a bad smile, and now im not afraid to smile. Which is a good thing bc whenever im around you i wanna smile. Anyway, darkness, sun, tides, all that stuff. I spent so long carving out a spot for myself in the darkness, but it wasnt until i fell in love with you, until i loved you, until you loved me, until i fell in love with pieces of myself and the world, that i realized i was wrong. I didnt need to fight the darkness, wrestle and fight the tide. No, i didnt need to do that at all. Darkness isnt something you fight. It isnt something you push away and reject, it’s something you embrace and let go of. Darkness isnt a fight, it’s a dance. The harder you fight to stay in control the more you get spun around and tripped up. Loving you and loving myself made me realize i needed to stop fighting and flow with the music. I dont need a thousand suns, i dont need a way to fix everything wrong with me, i dont need to think theres a million things wrong with me, i dont need to need anything like that. I just needed to be happy, to accept there are days the darkness is my friend, a comfort when the world gets too much, fuel for when i cant keep going. And there are days that the darkness is very much not my friend, where it is pure fear and stopping me from doing anything, where it makes me lash out and confused and hurt. And that’s ok. I dont need to be in control. I will never be in control of that.
It took falling in love to realize that.
Falling in love isnt the answer to everything, but it helped a lot more than i thought it would. I never looked for love, not like this. No, i didnt fight for this. This love grew naturally, and grew and grew and blossomed into the most beautiful thing. I will fight as hard as i need to keep this love, but i know i will never control it. I never want to control this love. This love that is wild and frantic and panic and soft touches and tender hugs and carefree smiles and safety and healing and good. This love that feels like sleeping after swimming for hours, this love that feels like following the moonlight on a trail to bed, this love that feels like smiling into dying embers on a night in spring when the world feels old and new and ancient and fresh and right. This love that feels like the home i always wanted, feels like the hugs i used to be too scared to want, feels like the world is finally peaceful without it inevitably being ripped away. I will never control this love, i will nevee fight this love, but i will always fight for this love if i need to, i will fight for you if i need to, but i no longer want to fight. I’ve spent years fighting, now i just want to be soft and spend my life with you. My life my heart my time my love it’s all yours