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Self Pity - Blog Posts
You don't deserve your empathy.
This is a pretty provokative statement. But you don't deserve to feel bad. It is not a privilege you deserve. And the sooner you accept it, the faster you'll be capable of properly take responsibility of yourslef and your life. It may be the case that your parents are fucked up and/or idiots, that you have had to experience and endure some messed up shit, that your health isn't perfect, or that you wish you looked or felt a different way. But nobody promised you that life would be easy. And if they did, then I'm sorry, but they lied. There is only degrees of imperfect lives. Your life is exactly your specific degree of imperfect. Danish poet Dan Turéll said that "it's not easy to be anyone". The only certain part of human existence is misery and death, according to buddhism. That's why you shouldn't view the adversity that will (and it will) be forced upon you in life, and the same goes for hardships and mistakes. That's what life is. If you wanted to have a life without adversity, go play Homescapes. I can feel bad for you, if you perhaps grew up in a home with alcohol abuse and mistreatment, or if you have experiences severe disease or death in your close family at a young age. I am aware that some people get a shitty hand in the great card game of life. And it's never a childs fault, no matter what they are subject to. But that doesn't mean you are going to benefit in any particular way from feeling bad for yourself. At least not for long. Maybe you're capable of taking an objective look at recent events and say "yeah, that was total horseshit", or "yeah, that was millions to one, how unlucky". That you should feel bad for yourself, just like you would for any other person who went through those events. But once you've recognised that, leave it. Because if you keep it around, it'll weaken you up. The road to pitytown is a slippery slope, and once you're there, you let go of your responsibilities.
Why I think self-pity is the bane of our joy
Stoicism is an old philosophy which is only now starting to have a modern rennecaince with new ideas and concepts. This is great, because it allows us to develop brand new doctrine to fit the world around us, and terrible, because it means we don't have the answer for everything. However, one of the things that are being explored the most as of now is self-pity. This is a very prevalent state of mind in the western world, where it has become so common to complain about the small things that it can seem almost competitive.
Our ability to complain has combined with our ever-rising standard of living to create cartoonish complaints that we are gasping to share with the world around us, who are trying to voice their complaints. As Vers writes: "Alle kalder ud, men ingen gider at svare" (Everybody needs to be heard, but nobody is willing to listen). This has lead Neils Overgaard, a man I deeply respect and look up to, to create what he calls the "immigrant test": Basically, you take whatever thing is bothering you in the moment, and you imagine that you have to tell it to a mother of 5 children who has left Sudan, crossed the Sahara, been illegally exported across the Mediterranean, and finally landed in Greece, ready to live out the rest of her life at the lowest bottom of our society. Your task is now to look her in the eyes, and tell her about the problem that is letting you down, and if you think you can do that, THEN it is worth thinking about.
Self-pity is not the same as complaining, though. I would argue that self-pity is what happens when you systematically feel rightious to complain and the world around you validates this feeling. And what you're doing on a psychological level is train your mind to focus on the negatives and hold on to them, so that you can pass them on to others. Surely, my friends, a brain that only notices and focuses on the bad things is not a happy one, right?
So how do YOU avoid self-pity and the need to complain in general? Well, you're not out of options (though it may be tempting to say that you are). In this post, my advice will be to FORTIFY. Back in the day, people used to say "man up", but that's kinda turned into a toxic thing that means "push it down", and it's also only for men. So now we have the new word "fortify", which is much better. How do you fortify? That's up to you, but it should ultimately make you a more emotionally resilient person. Focusing on the next step can be a great way of fortifying, for example:
Your car breaks down on your way to work. You are going to be late. Do you: A. Have your mood be ruined over the situation, complain to your boss when they ask you why you are late, and get pissy when you get the repair bill? B. Accept that the situation is out of your hands, focus on getting your car towed and finding another way to get to work, and calmly explain to your boss that your car broke down and you still showed up ready to work?
It's entirely up to you, but option B is not only a calmer, more pleasant way to handle the situation, but it also makes you a more resilient being in the future, because your brain will recognise your handling of the situation and be calmer the next time something unpredictable comes up, thus marking the start of a good spiral.
There will be more in the next post, to make it easier to digest.
Love you all! - Anthony