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Insecure Sirius Black - Blog Posts
Lovers Quarrel
ok I was inspired by this tiktok and I needed to write it so gift. This is angsty, but we are left with healthy communication I hope you enjoy :)
Remus sat in his room, the sun slowly rising through the small windows. He didn’t often get to see the sunrise because he slept in till noon most days unless he had school, but lately he’s been waking up earlier. It wasn’t because he’d fixed his sleep schedule or because he finally started setting his alarm in the morning no, he had a different kind of alarm. He’d woken up that morning like he had a lot of mornings for the last year to screaming and yelling coming from downstairs. Maybe if he kept his nose in his book, he wouldn’t be able to hear it, maybe if he stayed in Narnia he wouldn’t have to go downstairs and find the static crackle that was left behind after his parents had argued till their throats were raw. Maybe if he stayed here, they’d stop yelling and talk instead of hurling words in the others general direction that weren’t used for anything accept to hurt each other. Maybe they’d stop slamming doors because they left fridge open, and they’d stop and talk and love each other again.
“LYALL FOR GODS SAKE ITS NOT THAT DIFFICULT” his mother’s voice carried through the house and Remus curled up tighter pulling the thick book closer to his face.
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT HOPE IT’S JUST A FUCKING DOOR ITS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL” his Dads booming voice had more power behind it and it felt as if the house shock with his voice bouncing of the walls.
“OH! OF COURSE, THATS WHAT YOU THINK!”
“YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I THINK”
“OH, ITS ALWAYS WHAT YOU THINK! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT NO MATTER WHAT!”
“AND I WAS RIGHT WASNT I? HMM?” The topic of the argument had shifted into something it often did even if the two refused to talk about it out right.
Remus sat in his room clutching the book in front of him willing it to take him to vast seas and daring adventures in far off lands. Instead, he sat in his room with the world blurred as saline hit the fresh pages. They would make up; they always did, on the surface at least. Kiss and make up, pretend that the wounds created by harsh words thrown in every direction weren’t still bleeding and that the foundations that they had built hadn’t cracked and was falling apart. Out of sight, out of mind. If you ignored it, it doesn’t exist right? Except that cracks were still there, just no one was fixing them, no one was filling them in and as soon as the weapon of words were drawn once more, fresh cracks were made and closer came the inevitable. Even though they fought all the time and said everything with a viciousness you’d never expect they never actually said what was on their minds. They came close a few times just brushing the handle on the door to the problem, but they didn’t dare address it. No that would mean admitting a problem, admitting fault which would let in the overwhelming guilt and the realization would hit and the rose-colored glasses would be ripped of and reality would look as it does, a fucking mess.
***
The sun streamed in through the ornate windows of the library and landed in golden curls. Books had been pilled around the boy to create a makeshift barrier from the world, well from one specific boy. Sirius Black. Honestly Remus was so happy to be dating Sirius, he was an attentive boyfriend, Sirius cared about him truly. That didn’t stop his mind running rampant and destroy the trust he put in the other boy. It was unfair really; Sirius didn’t do anything wrong. Flirting with a few girls was harmless. Right? Remus had seen it a few times in the hallways, the grand hall or the common room and it meant nothing because Sirius always came straight back to him. It was nothing. Nothing at all. It didn’t bother Remus one bit. He trusted Sirius, he always would.
Then the voice in his head came and targeted every tiny doubt and every insecurity and weakness that he had. That voice exploited the cracks in his brain and kept pushing until the damn broke. He was so happy with his relationship with Sirius, he had finally gotten the guy he wanted, and he was able to show Sirius exactly what he meant to him and show him all the kindness in the world. He didn’t want that to end, to go away. So, he hid among the pages of a book behind a wall of more books.
“Moony? Hey Moony I found you!” well that didn’t last long “I’ve been looking everywhere” the joy in his voice refilled the hope in Remus’ chest. How could he want to be with you? The voice in his chest spoke up once more. Come on you’re a werewolf and he’s Sirius Black, who are you compared to him? Suddenly Remus’ chest felt tight again like he was wounded.
“What’s going on Moony? Why are you hidin’?” Sirius kept the same light teasing tone paired with a toothy smirk. He really didn’t want to fight; he knew what happened when couples fought. No, best to kept it inside it was his problem.
“’m not hidin’” Remus responded with a shrug of his shoulder, eyes glued to the page in front of him.
“Oh, come oooonnnnn I want attention” Sirius practically whined clambering around the mountain of books to sit on the seat next to his boyfriend
“Well, you’ve got quite a plethora of people to choose from, basically anyone you’ve flirted with in the last week” Eurgh why did he have to say that? Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut?
Sirius’ expression almost instantly change to confusion mixed with anger “What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means that you’ve got options” the annoyance that had been burning under the surface was rising and coming out of his mouth before he could stop it.
“And? I like the attention it doesn’t mean anything more than a harmless flirting” The rational part of Remus’ brain knew that was true, but in the moment, he couldn’t convince himself. Why would Sirius want you over anyone else at Hogwarts?
“Oh yeah? The attentions nice?” For the first time since the argument started Remus turned his whole body to look right his boyfriend. Staring into those mercuric eyes only seemed to make things worse for Remus, he was so perfect, and Remus wasn’t even on the same scale he was inadequate.
“Moony you know I only have eyes for you” the anger still rolled off of Sirius like steam and he let out a frustrated huff through his nose and his expression softened “let’s not fight yeah just kiss and make up?” That was more terrifying than Sirius blatantly yelling at him, they had to talk about this they had to! He couldn’t lose Sirius, like his parents had lost each other, he wouldn’t!
“No! No, no no please no!” Sirius face morphed into one that looked like his heart had been ripped out “Wait no!” Remus vision went blurry and those beautiful grey eyes that had always bought him comfort went out of view. God, when had he started crying?
“Moony?” Was he crying too?
“Just listen to me! We have just not talk about it. Otherwise, it just festers and we’re left to the rats”
“Moony you’re not making sense, just tell me what’s wrong” Remus gathered his knees to his chest and hung his head so he wouldn’t have to look at the dark-haired boy.
“You don’t love me” a punched-out exhale moved past Sirius lips and then a small sniff as if he was trying not to cry.
“Baby, please look at me” with a shaky breath Remus cracked open his eyes and hazel landed on grey. “Re I love you. With everything I am, I love every part of you. Even the parts you hate all I can see is something to love. When you agreed to be my boyfriend, I was so happy to get to show you everything I can offer you because Remus, darling, you are too amazing not to be appreciated in your entirety. I love that I get the opportunity to love you and I am so sorry that I ever let you doubt that.” It was almost as if Sirius did it in one breathe to avoid blubbering through the whole thing.
“It wasn’t you. Just- I don’t get it. You could have anyone, and you chose me?” the hesitation in his voice was despicable to even himself, but ever the stubborn bastard Remus forced himself through as more tears swam in Sirius eyes.
“I don’t know how to explain that you are the one for me. There is no one else I love you a-and I know I flirt a lot its sort of like I need to know that everyone likes me. I’m a Black, they are notoriously disliked” a wet humourless laugh erupted from deep in Sirius’ chest.
“You are nothing like your family!” it needed to be said because it was true “nothing” the last word was barely a whisper that Remus wasn’t even sure that Sirius heard.
“Re?” Sirius voice was tentative and cautious nothing like usual which hurt Remus heart knowing he put that unease there. “What can I do to prove that I love you?”
“I know you love me Padfoot” Remus replied with a small sniffle
“But you doubt it sometimes” it wasn’t a question just a statement and oh how the effects of a punctuation mark could have on someone.
“My brain … gets anxious and I overthink things sometimes. I- I’m usually fine with the flirting its just this week. I don’t know, I’m sorry.” He sniffed again, god why did he have to cry?
“Ok, how about when you start feeling this way you tell me, and we can talk, and I can shower you with the affection and love you deserve and run those damn self-deprecating voices away for you?” The tone was still sad but there was a level of teasing perfectly balanced with loving affection
“Thank you, but you have to tell me when you’re feeling like everyone hates you so I can do the same and know how to help you as well. Deal?” There was considerably less crying now, but they were still both red rimmed and snotty.
“Deal” and if the smitten look on Sirius face didn’t make Remus fall in love again despite the slightly disheveled look he’d be lying. He then moved forward a few inches to place a soft kiss on his boyfriends lips.
Remus knew he wasn’t perfect, but neither was Sirius Black and that’s why he loved him. The voice would return to poke at the cracks, but now he had his own knight in shining armour to drive them away and Remus could do the same for Sirius.