HATE IT HERE - Blog Posts

I just realized that just like last year I was reading HP fanfics again

FML my L

It's my birthday today! Which I am happy about, I'm 17 which...not so happy about but whatever.

I don't really feel older, honestly I'm kind of just out of it. I suppose it doesn't really feel like my birthday much at all, that happens when you get older right? You feel it less and less? I don't know man I'm spitballin here.

I'm going swimming in a little while, which will be fun, hopefully we're getting OutBack since we haven't in forever and it's my birthday damn it. I originally wanted to go skating today but with me staying up all night and poppy needing to work it just didn't work out, maybe that's why I'm out of it, who knows (I sure don't).

After today the only thing I'm looking forward to is the beginning of the NHL pre-season because OH do I have plans for that AND the season it's self, it's gonna be real fun (so long as I keep up with it).

Anyway, y'all have a good rest of yer day, I'll have a good rest of my B-day, byeeee!!

playing mc on a school computer gotta be the best feeling

I’m literally on that grind while i work on an essay about Vincent van fucking Gogh and his struggles. (which i actually need to finish because its due really soon along with other stuff)

im literally, baby winston.

minecraft fucking rules

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of abuse, nightmares, neglect, PTSD symptoms, and depressive feelings.*

Saturday, Oct. 22nd, 2022 Part 3

10:30pm

I had a nightmare last night that repeatedly woke me up. I didn’t remember it until I was writing in my other journal. Last night, my Papa told me that my stepdad, James, came with my Mom to California to visit, which in hindsight, I should have realized that sooner. We talked about James being there and how Papa would react to meeting him for the first time, but initially, I was just joking around. It wasn’t until the nightmare that I realized how triggered I truly am by James.

It was about my Papa confronting James about his abusive treatment of my brother and I after getting upset. The situation was really aggressive and resulted in my Mom packing up their things and leaving early, while ending things with Papa.

I find it a little defeating and irritating that James still sets me off after all this time. I don’t think I’ve processed that trauma at all, and it clearly still affects me. I’m still harboring all this hurt and trauma from both him and my Mom. From the moment that man entered our lives, my mother stopped being a mom to me when I needed her to be. I’m disappointed and full of rage towards her and what my childhood was like from that point onward. I really don’t understand why I still talk to her, other than holding out hope.

I want so many things for my mother that I not only grieve my childhood, but also her experience. She is so powerful, resilient, and intelligent, but James stunts all of that. I wish that she felt that she could stand alone, and realize that she does not need him to carry on. I wish that she could have everything that she needs and wants, just not with him.

Now, I also wish that she had those things for my own benefit as well. To have a mother who is not trapped by a narcissistic man. She has only ever fulfilled his wants and desires and prioritized him, while neglecting me. I love my mother to death, but I also resent her. All because of her love life choices. I wish things were different…

I think that I need all the time I can have away from college, so that I can focus on myself and heal. I have so many desires that I want in this world, but it feels like it will never happen. I need the strongest reminder that things are going to be okay, that I will still have a chance, and that things are not over yet. Because I have not suffered through so much for this to be the end. I deserve to be on this journey to heal and I deserve every good thing coming.

Part 1 -- Part 2

I try not to think about this for my sanity but whenever I do,, ough,,,

so its been a bit since ive been here but have we discussed the fact that in the last story sirius gets hit with ice magic (same thing that killed polaris) i think we should talk about that more