Find your tribe in a Sea of Creativity
First of all, let’s define an abusive relationship. Okay? “Abuse” is not characterized by- say it with me now- age, gender, strength/size or otherwise more “common” depictions of an abusive relationship. “Abuse” is characterized by a- say it with me now- POWER IMBALANCE. Got it? Good.
Now, let’s examine Damian and Tim’s relationship to see if there’s a power imbalance with one simple question. Do they both have the power to redefine this relationship? In the case of Tim and Damian, the answer is no. An immediate follow-up to this question should be: who has the power to redefine the relationship? The answer is the more powerful side of the power imbalance, or, more often than not, the abuser. In the case of Tim and Damian, Damian is the one with the power to redefine the relationship.
Why? Because a), both Tim and Damian’s adults (Bruce, Alfred, maybe Dick) are unwilling to balance the relationship (giving them both consequences for cruelty, no favoritism, etc.), b), Damian does not accept anything Tim says- if Tim is polite, he’s being patronizing/condescending and it’s his fault, if Tim’s rude he’s being cruel/unfair and it’s his fault, if Tim’s indifferent he’s being cold/unfair and it’s his fault- as a genuine effort on Tim’s part, meaning only Damian has the power to change their dynamic.
Just because Damian is younger than Tim does not mean that Damian is incapable of being abusive towards Tim. It reminds me of a dynamic in which the “softer” one, e.g. a wife or in this case, a younger sibling, is abusing the “tougher” one, e.g. a husband or an older sibling, and the victim of the abusive is not believed because the “softer” one obviously can’t be an abuser. By excusing Damian’s actions you are practicing abuse apologism. This is Very Fucked Up and it is Not Okay. Just because DC seems to think it is okay and the majority of the fandom brushes past it, it does NOT MEAN that it is not abuse apologism.
I am not blaming Damian for any of this. No one has ever bothered to explain to him that his actions are wrong or explain why they are wrong. However, that does not absolve him of responsibility. Responsibility is not the same thing as blame. In this case, responsibility means an actual, genuine apology on Damian’s part. Responsibility means acknowledging it was wrong of him to abuse Tim, it means an actual change in behavior going forward, and, specifically for Damian, it probably includes therapy.
Abuse apologism is not okay. I need people to understand that Damian was abusing Tim. There is no excusing or sugarcoating it. Damian. Abused. Tim. I need people to understand that. Yes, Damian can accept responsibility (and the ADULTS- Bruce, Alfred, maybe Dick- need to accept the blame) but that does not change the fact that in the beginning, He Abused Tim. Yes, Damian can (and should) make a change, and that change should be reflected in his characterization, but if one were to write him in the BEGINNING he would still be abusing Tim. I am not demonizing him by writing this. This is not me bashing on the character. This is me defining his canonical behavior. This is me telling you all that Damian was entitled and spoiled and rude and cruel and ABUSIVE.
I need you to understand this.