Find your tribe in a Sea of Creativity
... Never thought I’d be the one to help shatter someone’s illusion... Did I really help save her? She’s so tired. She’s so numb. She’s so confused. She knew something was wrong. That’s why after four years, she reached out to me. She spent the last year being worn down, and she knew it couldn’t be right. She reached out to me partially to fill a void her soon-to-be ex-husband didn’t. I knew that wasn’t healthy. We talked about anything and everything. We aren’t afraid to talk to each other now, because we’ve both grown. She told me what he was. I told her what he really was, and a part of her knew. It took her a few days, and some googling to finally see what I saw right away. It’s hurt her so much. She didn’t want to believe what I knew was abuse (both physically and mentally) was what had been happening to her. Article after article told her the same things, and they described everything he’d been doing. She’s so tired and numb now. No one could want this for someone they love. In the end, it’s her choices, her willingness to heal, and time that will see her rebuild. I’ll be beside her wherever she is. But, as much as I’ve hurt her for destroying what she thought was her dream, her illusion. I couldn’t stand aside and walk away quietly like I’ve done for so long. If you see abuse, know someone who is being abused, or if you are the one being abused, whether it’s courage or a spurt of madness, reach out to someone. There are so many advice lines. So many counselors. Hospitals. Even law enforcement. Don’t be the one to see or know and do nothing. If you are the one in it, breathe deep, know you are worth more than how you’re being treated, and find someone to talk to. Anyone can get you started to saving your life, even yourself. It’s less unknown to stay in the situation you are in, but it’s not safer.
What do you do when you push away someone you love because you were both too young and scared, only to find them years later in an unhappy, physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive marriage? Is it right to try to convince her to leave? If I never stopped loving her, does wanting her to be safe and happy - even if it’s not with me - make me a terrible person? If she reached out to me after so long and still has feelings enough to want me back in her life as someone she trusts and loves, does caring for her enough to tell her she needs to run before it’s too late make me seem jealous? I do not want to be in her equation to stay or flee this overly-gender-roled, traditional, “christian”, repressive, abusive, marriage. I want her to be happy. I grew up in a household like that. My father using my stepmother as a brood mare and refusing to let her do anything outside the house. She always hated my brother and I. She was always cold and mean. It wasn’t until years later I found a bottle of anti-depressants she’d had hidden away in a spice cabinet (a place my father would never look). It took me years longer to realize the damage you sustain when you force yourself into a relationship with someone who isn’t who they claim, someone who wants you to change everything about you, someone who only wants to use you. It was killing my stepmother. It almost killed me. How could I on good conscience not want someone I still love to save herself from becoming warped, worn down, trapped in even something so binding as marriage. Before we even broke up, I knew leaving her was a huge mistake. I knew there was a risk she could be caught up in a near-shotgun wedding with some piece of trash who had no perspective outside his sheltered, “christian” life. I wanted to believe it would never happen. I wanted to believe she’d grow up, too, and find someone who loved her the way I should have, the way I would now that I’ve grown, too. Wanted to believe after these years she’d found that. She found the nightmare of my childhood... Is it wrong to want her to save herself? Is it wrong to tell her to stop rationalizing against his threats, his (for now) limited physical violence, his deception from who he was in dating to a 180° as married, his constant control and belittling, his refusal to acknowledge how hard she works as a nurse going to school part time while trying to stay physically healthy (This guy’s a fat POS, by the way [Not to belittle those who are overweight/big; he actually ridicules her for working out while he sits around on his fat ass eating food he expects her to prepare for him and refuses to do anything around the house after his cushy, 9-3, bank job.].), and his unconscionable mentality he is perfect and she should be changing for him? I cannot physically help her. We are far apart. I want her to be strong and make the decision for herself. She can, but she’s afraid. I would pay for her plane ticket away from there. I would drive there, if I could make it in time. I need her to be safe from that kind of life. Yes, she chose to marry him. She got caught up in her dreams as a young girl. Before you could really see what was happening, she was in this. She’s been married two years now. The first went by so fast. This last one has seen her finally realizing where she is. In this last year, she changed the most from what I remember. She’s still gorgeous, smart, wonderful, caring, loving, but it wasn’t until now she learned what I learned from my own abusive relationships. I regret letting her go enough in the first place. To lose her entirely to... that... would be too much.