Making Mistakes And Committing Sins Is Only Okay When You Learn Something From It And Grow... If You

Life goes on,

Ignoring my pain and blues

Life goes on,

No matter what i choose.

They asked , then what's the point living,

when all we're headed to, is death?

I tried to find that answer myself

but failed hard, somehow.

Until Now.

Looking back at all that,

i dont weep, but ponder,

if death is all it is about

then we wouldn't have been alive

in the first place!

It's not about ending, in the end.

It's about making everything about my end

worth dying for.

It's about making a life, worth living.

Making all my time between

life and death

worth remembering,

is all what it is about.

-mauli

Weirdly enough, this is one of my comfort songs.

(turn the music on before reading, you'll get me better)

I listen to it as i imagine him singing it to me.

Holding me carefully, not too little or i might fall apart, not too much or i might break. We sway slowly side to side, in each other's arms, just for a moment passing by, as i shed all my unseen tears. I imagine that he cares, he cares that he never cared for me like i did for him. I imagine him singing this to my poor soul, telling me that he'd only make me cry, because it would make more sense than my idea of "us". We sway with the wind brushing our sorrows away, somehow my sorrow held onto my heart for him and took it away as well. So as long as this song fills the room, we're the only two that exist, only two that matter. And as long as this plays, it matters to him that i never mattered to him as he did to me. He knows, he shows, he sees, he's sorry.

But the song ends, and so does this pitiful fantasy. Reality comes rushing in...

I had him on my mind , ingrained in my brain. I made playlists for him in hopes the melodies might convey a fraction of my affection. I saved posts that i would send him if he was ever mine. I wrote him poems, which were some of my best works. I had a whole digital diary of him, secret albums of pictures of him, especially of ones which i took, if he could see himself through my eyes, him smiling wide with glistening eyes, maybe he would also want to capture and safeguard every nuisance of his beauty; and also, there is that folder of pictures my friends took of us together in one frame, accidentally of course.

I thought of being near him all the time, i thought of his wellbeing, i wished for him to know how perfect he was. Is. And he doesn't know any of this. I had him written all over my life for about an year, and he will have no idea how deep it goes.

He never led me on, he never did anything that would "make" me feel something about him nor did he drop hints that he felt something, he didn't have to, i guess, because i was never delusional, just utterly smitten...

(but then, what business did those eyes have, meeting mine??)

One day, i gave in to this agony and said to him that i liked him, and he said it was ok, i was his friend, this won't change anything. He was the nicest about it. But I still wonder, what if I would have said so much more, only if he could hear so much more... if he could, I'd tell him,

how like is something i did to a stranger at the airport who i talked to for a few minutes,

how like doesn't do justice to the gravity with which i was falling,

how like is what my mouth says, while my heart goes on to describe his beautiful piscine eyes, as the deepest ocean I'd drown in,

how like is what i wished it was, because it wasn't love of course, something less, something very one sided, but something so true.

If only i could tell him, i missed him when he was out of sight or even when he was right in front of my eyes, i fell for his laugh and his smile and his eyes and his lips and his hair and his hands and how he treated everyone respectfully, and his brain, and how he was so in love with his family, and how he was just a beautiful human being...

If i told him, i felt the familiarity of falling the first day i met him, if i told him i never wanted to be just friends, if i told him i would cherish him in every way he deserves...

Would it have made a difference? Would our story have a different ending?

I like to think

no.

I still don't know how to be that for someone else what he was to me.

Was? .... Is?....

no.

For the sake of my damn heart and the amount of love overflowing from it, it should not be an "is".

Was.

"Was" is where it should belong.

So I'll listen to "cry" again and imagine him singing again as we sway back and forth and I'll imagine i cry my unseen tears and pretend that

this is what my closure is.

"Life is a series of random events that happen between birth and death.."

They said. They said out of utter innocence... Or maybe ignorance.

'Random' is when something SEEMS chaos.

Seems...

'Random' is when we can't understand or find a pattern, that satisfies our human brain.

But one day just

Stop. And observe .

Observe the tiniest bits,

instead of seeing the big picture,

look at the fine details.

That is when , you'll see.

In the mind of God

this world was created.

Nothing is random here.... Just so intricate ,

it is hard to comprehend .

But just try, and you'll realise ,

that it is not cliché

to say that ,

Everything happens for a reason ,

cuz it does.

Some butterfly, flapping its wings in any meadow in Australia,

can cause a hurricane in Africa and we'll never know.

not like it means to or even realises it can ,

but it can .

" Adversity is the Mother of all things Beautiful... For its only when the Moon sets, a new dawn arrives. "

(og)

Their eyes stare close,

parallel into each other.

These mirrors of their souls,

create some infinite reflections,

Gazing deep inside, they see

their histories unwind ,

while their hearts intertwine.

They collapse in each other,

as if two black holes collide,

ending light, ceasing dark,

rebuilding space , creating their time.

Buried was a universe inside, now is

a spark that's theirs to be,

forever and ever...

-mauli

I try to open my lips, utter a word,

like a million times.

Then I tell myself, "who cares?"

like a million times.

And i try to whine ,infront of myself

like a million times.

Again, i shut up and keep going

like a million times...

-mauli

If you can't

respect her ,

even as much

as your fellow 'men', your 'bros',

don't even bother

loving her

in the first place.

Cuz you don't even know

that respect is above

all the love that you can show.

Love comes complimentary

with respect and true care,

but they might not come along

with the sole love you show her.

"The Wish I'll Wish every time I Wish"

I ask for so much every time ,

from you ,my lord.

But now I want to wish a wish ,

that I wish you can afford .

It's to keep ,

the sky above me blue always ,

the world around my world green,

and the night filled with stars always. 

Don't let the man-made black ,

ruin my night's hue,

or ruin my far horizon ,

or ever lessen my view.

The devil shan't reign the land of yours ,

never shall the tranquil eyes fade .

Make us strong to hold the world ,

strong against the we made. 

May we make the air as clear ,

air as clear a heart I seek ,

hope, for everyone who has been hurt 

and has been living in bleak .

Give us the strength to revive ,

the land we used to thrive upon, 

the magic liquid that flowed through rivers ,

the sunlight we have been worshiping for long .

Keep the birds singing on trees ,

and the trees held strong always. 

Don't give us enough, to darken 

the blue that fills our sky always ...  

My 1st confession-blr, just some stuff I have been going through that might be relatable, to I guess someone.

(No self hate, just some thinking out loud and blabber,ig)

Stuff's pretty miserable. I don't feel good. I don't even know how I feel, I guess its loneliness even though I do have lovely people around...I literally don't know...

Started to feel like there is something wrong w/ me. My circle is not one which resonates with me, I still love them but no one is ever "just there for me". 17 ,and still don't have a "bff" other than my sister and mother. My cousins aren't a fan of me either, have one who is my same age but still matches "vibes" with my younger sister. We were great 2 yrs ago but...

I try so hard to be nice to people, yet I see people effortlessly happy, I wonder why I make any extra effort, no one has to, they get on fine without thinking much. Sometimes I feel sick of feeling so much and not being able to cry.

Things which give me happiness like writing or reading novels or photography or nerding out on cosmology etc., I can't do any of it without being guilt stricken every singe minute. Even as I write this I realize I need to complete my Chemistry notes and physics assignments and practice math, afterall its 12th grade, the LIFE DECIDING YEAR... but I seem to do neither hard work for 12th marks nor extra stuff I like.

Sometimes, when I like ,sit down to think, I feel like I'm a no-one sitting in middle of nowhere , meaning nothing to anyone except my family and teachers. I AM REPLACEABLE. The worst thought... I am not an indispensable part of anyone's life other than my family (which is obvious I guess + cuz they are lovely coping up with me)...

No, I don't hate myself. I love myself. I just am at a phase where nothing is moving...All still...and in that stillness, I feel... not very happy.

I wished so much after I came out of 10th, but my life has been nothing but monotonous...

The people I thought were a gift to me, turns out I don't matter that much to them, and I feel guilty of expecting too much. Still, I wonder, is it too much to expect some kind of care or support from people who claim to be yours? Maybe, it is.

Is it your poetic gaze, those damn poetic eyes, or just my poetic heart, the very reason why every part of you each way you exist, is the most beautfiul possession that i can ever call mine....

-mauli ♡