𝕒 𝕟𝕖𝕨 𝕙𝕠𝕡𝕖 𝕩 𝕝𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕓𝕠𝕩 𝕣𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨𝕤

Me and my sister have actually been bonding over the whole late/undiagnosed ADHD thing, and ever since I brought up to her that maybe she should get tested too, she's been spotting all sorts of Holy Shit How Did Nobody Notice signs about both of us. After finding out about stimulant resistance/paradoxal reaction, she pointed out that would explain why she's been hooked on coke (the drink, not the snorty stuff) and how I started my unfathomable coffee habit so early.

I started drinking a whole pot of coffee every day since I was like 10. I'd come home from school and brew myself a pot of coffee. I wasn't secretive about it and I was unaware that adults literally did not know that I was doing it, because by the time my parents got home from work in the evening, the whole pot would be gone.

The thing with ADHD is about a chemical imbalance in the brains, below average amounts of the kind of reward chemicals that prompt you to do anything. That's why procrastinating until last-minute panic is a regular habit - the task itself isn't just boring, it's intolerably tedious all the way until the adrenaline from the deadline panic boosts the brain to function on a - well, functional - level.

A lot of undiagnosed ADHD people unconsciously self-medicate with caffeine. I'm not a chemist, but as a mild stimulant, the caffeine gives you a boost that helps balance out the brain. Not as much as actually being medicated, but it's still better than nothing.

I didn't do it on purpose because it would "help me focus" on anything important or constructive - I didn't do my homework unprompted, not once, ever, since I was like 15 - but considering that nobody noticed a 10-year-old drinking a whole goddamn pot of coffee in the span of 4-5 hours every single day, one could conclude that it wasn't making me noticeably hyperactive.

I didn't drink coffee because I wanted a specific effect, though. As far as I was concerned I was drinking it because I liked it. And the reason why I started the habit in the first place was because at the time, I was reading a shit ton of Garfield comics for some reason and that orange cat managed to convince me that drinking a shit ton of coffee every day is cool. Anyway, the moral of the story is

beetlejuice (1988) dir. tim burton

goth fashion is a parody of old money. the sooner you understand this the sooner you can unlock the full potential of your inner darkness. also stop buying from shein.

cher tweets that i think about on a daily basis:

Carrie Fisher hiding in the trash cans on the backlot of the Star Wars set, 1976.

Carrie Fisher inside a trash can while doing promotion for The Empire Strikes Back, 1980.

Thoughts for a do-not-disturb sign I need as goth with ADHD:

A sign that says, "Already disturbed: leave me alone" for days when I need to be left alone to work, and on the flip side, it reads, "Already disturbed: come on in."

Bonus points if it's shaped like a bat.