I Feel So Disappointed In Myself. I Forgot To Carry A Book With Me Today And Now I'm Just Sitting Here

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Thoughts on Fenhawke please!

I haven’t been called the Queen of FenHawke for nothing, strap the hell in for this small essay. 

Hawke’s hero journey is one of loss. It begins with their father already gone, and their home burning soon after. Lothering and Ferelden out of reach, and they also have to bury one of their siblings along the way. They arrive at Kirkwall and instead of having an estate, a home ready for them - they have an uncle distinctly unhappy to see them, and they have to scrape together coin from nothing. They buy their way into the expedition hoping to turn things around, but instead they lose another sibling either to the Wardens, Circle/Templars or via the Taint. Their mother follows soon after. They fight the Arishok, can be grievously wounded, and their reward is to have more responsibility put on them. They can do nothing to ease tensions between the Mages and Templars, and one of their friends uses them to his own end - and that end is the destruction of the Chantry, a good chunk of Kirkwall, and the beginning of the Mage/Templar war. 

If Hawke is not around, then there’s still going to be another investor into the expedition. If Hawke earns the Arishok’s respect, it could be said that their presence even delays the Invasion - Isabela had already stolen the Tome of Koslun before meeting Hawke and it’s unlikely she’d have given it back. Meredith already had a stranglehold grip on the Mages and Templars alike, and Orsino had been working with Quentin and researching blood magic. How helpless Hawke must feel to realize this. That despite all their actions, all their efforts, effectively nothing touched the overall outcome. They had placed themselves in a position of responsibility, had that responsibility validated, and despite anything they do, they can’t stop the final act from happening and Kirkwall burning not once, but twice in a few short years. 

Fenris’s journey, on the other hand, is one of gain. He begins having spent years on the run, without a moment of peace and safety. All he has is his time spent as a slave, and everything that comes with it. He’s pushed past the mentality of such a thing to escape, and has spent his time alone ever since. The only time he stops running is when he hires Hawke in Kirkwall. He tells Hawke he will give them everything he has in reward for helping him, but the only reward from the quest is what you find in the mansion itself. He has nothing. He stays in the mansion because he has nowhere else to go. 

Over the years spent in Kirkwall, he establishes himself with a respect no slave was allowed. Both Sebastian and Aveline mention how others look up to him, but in what he’s accomplished and his skill in battle. He gains friends, people he trusts enough to let into his home for Diamondback games, and for the first time in a very long time, he’s no longer alone. Fenris is a person who longs for love, and for acceptance. In almost every dialogue with other companions, you can tell how hard he’s trying. He craves family, and all that comes with it. By the third act, he has people he can rely on. When Varania is at the Hanged Man, he very politely and quietly asks Hawke to come with him because “it would mean a lot” to him. He’s learned to let people in, and not hide behind the persona of one rushing into a mansion yelling at the top of his lungs to prove that he’s not afraid.

Together, both Hawke and Fenris pull each other up and support each other. From the first moment of Hawke agreeing to go with him to the mansion, and Fenris putting aside all other things to very gratefully thank them. Even though he offered his aid to Hawke, I doubt he expected Hawke to actually take it - let alone Hawke to continually show up, talk to him, listen to him. After the scene in Act Two, when he leaves, Hawke waits for three years without asking for anything in return. We know from the discussion in Act Three that he feels incredibly guilty and ashamed of leaving but when Hawke’s mother is killed, he still shows up to be by Hawke’s side. No matter how hard it might have been to face Hawke in a place where he had walked away before. He also walked away because he knew he wasn’t ready and he knew that it wouldn’t be fair to Hawke to have them deal with that. He doesn’t spend those three years apart idle. He spends those three years growing, trying to be better - for himself, and for Hawke.

“I am yours.” It has so much meaning, coming from Fenris. He’s telling Hawke that he loves them, but also that he trusts them. He’s telling them that he’ll be at their side, no matter what, because he is theirs but also because he knows that Hawke will not abuse what Fenris is giving them - a willing length of chain. He’s given himself permission to love, to stop running, to find a home in another person. At the end of the game, when Hawke has truly lost almost everything, Fenris is at their side and will not leave it. Fenris and Hawke both gain not just friends, but a found family, and a lover who will support and care for them until the end. 

Chiba Kotaro, Illustrations.

Fantastic, beautifully stylized illustrations by Japanese artist Chiba Kotaro.

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Continue below to see more of Chiba’s wonderful work:

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