Where Am I?

Very nicely done!

Another version of the pictures, less photo manipulation , I just combined them to create “Never Grey”.

I think this is a great self portrait because it portrays the duality of my emotional state in which I’m constantly experiencing . The battle within. Swinging from one extreme pole to the other. The bipolarity that is at times creative and colorful and then on the other hand devastatingly dark .

Here’s a short poem to go with it.

//Never Grey//

She is both me. She is We.

Wide-eyed , Full-hipped Bitten lip, And Naturally Unhinged On both ends.

Swaying Always Swaying In no direction At all.

Who could withstand Such colorful chaos?

I can barely Climb The wall

Two pieces ,One mouth A mirror reflection of a stranger Defeat rides translucent , upon victory’s coattail .

She slithers in silk Mostly the spine in protest, Burning in the cools where Dark and Light coexist

Finding it hard to live In the neutrals of gray

It’s easier to swim, But sinking can be more Intriguing .

Perverse And pure, Like Pressed Pain hiding Behind Pleasure.

Vulva mind, Choice words for a Lady, So wet and so Cut dry.

Within the soul Appears the sweeter of Angels, While she’s holding the Pitchfork behind .

Who is she ? When I cannot protect Me from me.

She is never grey, Colors changing From day to day.

-Dee

Sad epiphany

It was a rough conversation today with a friend... We talked about why I'm still where I am- with Him, he who is supposed to be my provider and my beloved and the man that my world revolves around... And yet... He will always be an addict. How do I somehow combine my promise to never leave-til death do us part with I can't live with the fear of what could be... So we talked. And I can't listen. I hear it, it's riiiiiiight there. The answer. But I walk away, and stand outside, looking for answers in the clouds, in the leaves of the trees, in the electric transformer- if nature and invention can coexist, why can't I just be with Him?... And my heart says bc I want to fix him... I want him to change, to be better, to care enough about us to change. A young boy rides by on a bike, sees me standing there, staring at the sky... And, a complete stranger, asks "are you okay?"... And I hear You can't fix someone who doesn't think they need fixed. ... So now what.

True.

Toasting a still alive garden. Salud!

Om shanti, shanti, shanti.

Poe Forrest

two years...

my last post was January 2016... okay, so more than 2 years. A hell of a lot has happened, and changed, and stayed the same. Reading old posts. odd. 

...so, it's been awhile...

i've been encouraged to write more.  i will do my best.  i'm starting late tonite, but i promise to try to get back and write more tomorrow.  i will have to test how long i can handle typing - long story, torn ligament, right wrist.  have to go put the kiddo down to bed.

wishing everyone else bunny dreams too.

blessings

namaste

Scared.

I renamed this post three times... Petrified. Terrified. Frightened. Just plain scared. I am just plain scared. I am supposed to go back to work on Tuesday and I am just plain scared. I don't know that I'm ready. I know I'm not ready, who am I kidding. I can barely read a menu let alone the two hundred plus emails I have to go through and all the changes that I am sure they have made in two months since I've been out. I'm basically going back ready to fail. Ready to get fired. And guess? I don't care. Can you tell where my mood is? Yup. Still down. But I think this is what they call a mixed state- I can't keep a thought in my head, but I just don't have any energy to care. I have one more day of therapy in group to go to before Tuesday and I'm not terribly confident that I can express myself the way I want to... When I say I'm scared, I mean, I have spent the past three days with diarrhea, no appetite, and picked out three outfits to wear on that day back... No four. Changed my mind. I want the green striped sweater, my comfy sweater, to go back in... I can't seem to find a comfortable place in my own skin. My clothes irritate me, my stomach irritates me, my face irritates me, my house irritates me, even my kiddo- and i hate that the most. Everything I come I contact with bothers me in some way. I'm not ready but I don't feel like anyone is giving me a choice- even when they say they are... I don't know... Guess we just have to jump in with two feet and hope the water is deep enough that we don't break a leg...

Dream

Dream Jan 7 night Passed out drunk, gagging, Meem drove me home<? Peg took my car. Where was I? I remember making a list of words or funny sayings through the night, then waking up sore and tired and it felt like days had gone by. I was in my old bedroom at Meems. I had a suitcase- which peg and tif had packed for me. I unpacked most all of it, especially my makeup- they put it in all wrong in my kit, and my clothes were in all wrong. I have no idea if I was packed to go somewhere or to stay there. I remember meeting some guy and thinking he was so nice and he kissed me, and it was okay but nothing special. We hung out for some of the party<? I remember later then another guy came in-- it was Ben Kiner <<I think?! From freaking kindergarten/high school ??wtf. There was an instant connection, not sure if it was just familiarity or infatuation, but we were stuck together for the rest of the night, up until what I remember. The dream skipped from there, seeing the list, remembering the one guy and the other guy and the house- like a beach house, and people there for some kind of party? To the waking up part. I got in a fight with peg and rig about planning togo to the beach this year, and to Georgia?... I yelled at them that I couldn't even buy my kid bread why the fuck would I be able to afford a vacation?! I was pissed... I think that was during the unpacking. It was almost like I felt like they were trying to move me, like, get me to move away. It was very long, very vivid... I woke up in the middle of the night when I woke up in the dream- totally confused, but fell back to sleep and the dream kept going from there.