My Fp. - Blog Posts

He acts like he wants to be around me and then decides he's going to sit on twitter and between shit when he knows I have notifications on. Do you want to be my friend or not.

Yea. Yea just flat out mock me. To my face. I've tried to tell you that ur my fp. And u just brush it off. And then u say some shit like this and it hurts. If only u didn't brush me off. Like I'm some fucking toy.

He's spending time with that guy again. It's not fair. No wonder he's not talking to me. Too busy making sure I'm alone and that I know that he's replacing me.

No wonder I want 2 cut cuz of u lol. When u go off on ur own and don't think about me or how I feel, it makes me want to open my arms. U should be with me so I don't have to feel like this. Sometimes I think u want me to feel like this. Maybe ur wishing for it. Fucking asshole

He's not talking to me. If he went to bed, he didn't say goodnight. If he's ignoring me, he's talking to his 'friend' that he's attracted to. He's been avoiding me all day. We haven't spoken much today. 8 messages from him. Usually 50 or more. I'm betting he's talking to 'friend'. I hope their friendship breaks. It can just be me and him again. I want him to be happy, but this guy takes up all of his time. I stay up late worrying about him when he doesn't talk to me and I kinda hope he will come to me at like 3am lol. Then when he does, he tells me off and tells me to go to sleep. Maybe I'd go to sleep earlier if u told me what was going on so I don't wait around for u like some stupid fkn dog.

Everything is better now

(I am safe and this is consensual)

I feel so fucking empty and shit. Told him I was anxious and scared and he told me I was OK, I then fucking said I wasn't and told him to go to sleep. Then he went offline. I've spent the last hour crying and shaking and trying to make myself feel something but nothings working. I'm so good at communicating usually. I don't get to the point where I ignore my feelings because I'm able to talk through them before I get to that point. What fucking changed. Why am I getting worse like this. It's not ok it's not ok.

I'm having a freak out. Idk if I'm splitting or what but I'm freaking out. And I'm purposefully ignoring him. I need to. I can't fucking deal with him right now. Not because of anything he's done I just. I can't do it. But I need him. I need him to feel stable. Fucking kayemess. I need more people to talk to. I need more people that can be there for me. I hate being in servers where I try so hard to be active and make friends, then vent my feelings and nobody fucking says anything. They just blank me. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I hate this.

Sometimes being around him feels like being kicked around like an unwanted toy. Why would he send me this. This is how I feel around him. Why would he make me feel this way. "Dog becoming frantic any time he lays eyes on a new" he fucking knows what he's doing, he fucking knows.

Full disclosure: He does not abuse me. I am safe.

I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy he has friends. I'm so happy he can go out and hang out with people and be happy. But I'm not happy. Why is there somebody else he can be happy with. I'm his best friend. Why does it hurt so much. Is it the jealousy that I can't have relationships like that? That I can't make friends or have people that understand me/are on my wavelength? That all of my relationships are face-value/meaningless except for him, we have a deep connection, how can he have a deep connection with other people that he hasnt known very long? I have known him for 5 years, I'm the only friend he's had for so long, surely I have the privilege to be the only one that can make him happy?

I can't let him know I feel this way. I can't ruin my relationship with the only person I have. It fucking hurts whenever he talks about the friend he met abroad that's coming over to see him. When he talks about friends, about being in active group chats that he participates in with friends in his local area. Why can't I be in his local area. Why can't I visit him more than 3 times a year. Why can't he make the effort to come visit me like I make the effort to go visit him.

I'm serious when I say we have a deep connection, but it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

It's not fair. None of this is fair.

You have no idea i can't live without you. You have no idea my whole world revolves around you. Being around you fixes everything. Wish I could be around you all the time so I wouldn't have to pretend.

Hello tumblr.

Goodnight tumblr.

wow. i really haven't spoken to my fp in a whole week. after 3 years of talking every single day, all day.

they've sent me memes all week, i only actually opened our chat for the first time yesterday. all i did was like the posts they sent me. i didn't really know what else to do. i feel like this is so wrong. everything feels wrong and i feel numb.

they had made this big instagram post with their new besties during the week too, so I know exactly what they've been doing this whole time that they haven't been talking to me.

why is it impossible for me to be anyone's first choice.

why do i still bother lol