I’ve Been Trying To Make More Room For You Inside Of Myself Lately, Not Because The Nights Are Longer

help

you know i think about people sometimes, like if they listen to the same music as me, how they have their coffee, do they like this movie my friend is taking about all the time and if they like butter on their toast, if they eat chocolate late at night in the dark. i think about whether they’re afraid of the same things as i am and whether they cry like me at every little inconvenience, whether they’re chasing dreams everyday, whether they like edgar allan poe or not, whether they miss someone, if they prefer dogs over cats, whether they like to read, i think about the scars they have on their bodies and the light that shines bright in their eyes. i think about whether they wear socks to bed or if they sneak out of their house at midnight. so if you ever wonder that nobody thinks about you then maybe you're wrong, because i do.

I love reading.

I love the way it makes me feel. The way I get lost in the pages, in the words that seem to create a new world around me, in the feeling that I stop being myself and finally I'm someone else worth living. Because books for me it's a way to feel. Yo actually feel. Deeply, without being afraid, marking my very soul to the point the are part of me in a way, the shaped and changed my existence, bringing me into new families and friends and loved ones. Because no matter the end the feeling of being loved is there.

For me reading a book is a holy experience.

When I first hold the book in my hands I want to just sit there and stare a few seconds felling the way my heart beats faster and I can't stop smiling and the anticipation is eating me alive. Just sit there and smell the pages, the way the ink smell, the contrast of the black letter on the white paper.

The I open it and it's like a whole new world. I'm no longer in my existence, but I'm living a different life, a few of them. I have loved ones and I have enemies and I fight for what I believe it's right or causing destruction in my path because I had enough, I'm both the villain and the hero, I'm the good and the bad, I'm more than I'll ever be as myself. I feel the pain, I feel the joy, I laugh at the jokes and the sarcastic comments, I die of embarrassment, I crie and I smile, and I fall in love I judge everyone around me and I can't stop until I know the end.

And then I'm back. Back at my very existence I hate, but how can you hate something when each part of it belongs to something you love so much? When I finish reading is like a subdrop. It's like the world is crashing down on me. It's like a reminder that none of it was real, but yet for me it was. The pain and the joy it was real. It make me feel.

I love reading. It never disappoints me. It keeps my soul company. In a way a human never did, because they never tried. Reading hurts me and puts me back together. It's heals a hurting soul and protects a loved one.

I really love reading. Even when no one else understands it. I do. It's mine. It's make me want to live, to explore, to love, to be.

“Os seus amigos mais queridos são personagens de livros.”

— Trono de Vidro: Herdeira do Fogo - Sarah J. Maas

💚👑LYSANDRA👑💚

If you repost it on Instagram, please give full credit to @_manon_blackbeak(me), thank you🖤

my problem is that i cannot stop reading a book i don’t like without feeling guilty about it.

either i’m not interested in the story or the writing is bad, i cannot put the book down because then i’m a failure who doesn’t actually like to read, just pretends she does.

this is exactly why i stopped reading at all for years and i don’t want that to happen again but i cannot put this book down because i need to finish it, it was expensive and i’m just wasting money if i don’t finish it.

Existe várias formas de matar alguém e a pior dela é esquecendo-a. Esquecer do qual incrível e especial aquela pessoa é, do quando divertida e inspiradora, e do quão bom foi amar ela.

Why is nobody talking about Chole or Sam or Sophia or Marcus? Like why ? That song is so good. Like wishing the other person happiness and at the same time wanting a closer like just tell me that you loved me and it's going to be fine(my mental peace), I don't want to hate you, I just wanted to hear that you loved me once and I know it didn't workout between us but I still want to know what you will be up to in your life later, let me be a part of it (like maybe exes on good terms) even if you and I both have someone in our lives.

The side that you don’t know about being an only child....

Sooo your siblings are annoying. They’re brats. Your sister stole your curling iron and won’t give it back, she also has that pair of jeans that you literally love to china and back. You want some alone time, some peace? Being alone is not all that it is hyped up to be. Here’s some reasons why: 

1: imagine coming home from school, your parents are both at work, and having n o o n e. Nada. Absolute no one to vent to about the crap day you’ve had. I mean sure, for you sibling people out there, an afternoon alone might seem like heaven, but try every day for your whole childhood….not so fun. 

2: No one understands you. Don’t get me wrong, you parents might get you. But they don’t understand you! They’re not sixteen years old. They don’t understand how your brain works they can’t relate to you. So they’re going to say that you’re being ridiculous when you’re making perfect logical sense and any sibling would agree with you on that. Key thing here: no one in your house relates to you or understands you. 

3: Play. You can’t play tag with one person. Or uno. Or twister. Or guess who. Or even freaking battle ships! The swings are only fun if you got your homie sister on the other one and you two are debating whether that cloud is a horse or a cactus. i literally had to like….use my imagination.

4: Sleepovers. You know what i’ve always envied? You know that scene in Parent trap? When the two girls are chillin playing cards on the bed with the dog and they’re just talking about life like its just casual—I WANT THAT! I want impromptu sleepovers, I want to fangirl over harry potter. I want to be eating chocolate at midnight with my sister/brother whilst watching Narnia. I WANT A SLEEPOVER EVERY SINGLE NIGHT/DAY AND WE WOULD HAVE SO MUCH FUN AND I WOULDN’T HAVE TO FALL ASLEEP KNOWING THAT I’LL BE ALL ALONE TOMORROW MY SAD LIFE IS SO TRUE AHHHHH

5: Family pictures at school. Okay so. a bunch of kids always complain when they have to take school pictures with their siblings, but hey I would freaking cherish this ish to the max. I’d be like ‘leave class ten minutes earlier than you’re supposed to meet me outside the gym and I’ll let you know about all the stuff thats happening. lets talk’. And you have a nice or not so nice photograph as a token of the time you told your sister that you liked Johnny from Science class and you both freaked out like teenagers because thats what you are. 

6: Having someone to fight for. Ima not gonna lie. I want a kind of relationship that siblings have–the one where even when you’ve just had an argument you know if they ever got into trouble you’d be the first one to jump in and help them. Also, I’ve always wanted to like  put someone in their place like: “Hey, that’s my brother and if you’re gonna talk about him like that you better run like hell because your ass will be hanging by its underwear from the roof in five seconds. Thank you.” 

7: . Building forts. Okay so I built forts when I was younger. Everyone did, come on. But the most exciting part about forts is actually making them. And I was all by myself. I didn’t have an assistant. I didn’t have a co pilot. I didn’t have someone to ask: “should this go here or there?” “Do you think we should have a chair here or no chair.” I needed advice and I had no one to give it to me. Plus like when your spreading out blankets you have to like ruffle it out by your self on one end and then walk all the way to the other end to fix that end only to discover that you’ve messed up the other end and then it goes on and on—honestly just like having two people spread out a blanket is so much easier and more effective. 

8: No cousins. Coming from a huge family, my mother has a lot of brothers and sisters which means that I have a lot of cousins. 26 to be exact. Being an only child, I have come to the realisation that my children will not get to have that. Or even a fraction of it. The family get togethers that are always hectic but make everyone the happiest they ever been. The exchange gifts. christmas. They won’t have any cousins on my side. So i just hope my future husband has siblings otherwise its going to be a lot of sad christmases. 

9: Having a sibling is like having a built in best friend. They’re always there, around the corner. theres no need to call and ask if they can come over, theres no need to plan it or arrange time…just simply go down the hall and knock on their door 

10: everyone thinks we’re spoilt self conceded brats when actually we’re not. like the ‘oh but you get all the attention and all the presents.’ like literally, kid, i got one present one year and it was a book. loved it, but it was just one. nothing was given to me freely just for the sake of it. i literally had to work my tiny butt off for everything. and then i become a teenager and my parents were like: ‘you want that? go buy it yourself.’ so we’re no less spoilt than you guys are. this stereotype is stupid and not to mention wrong. 

All in all. The Only child life can be summed up in one word: lonely. 

Very, very lonely. 

much love ❤️

“I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore. It's hard to put into words, but I guess it's like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.”

-Haruki Murakami