This Is Exactly Why I Got An Adblocker On Mobile. Now The Only Place I Can't Escape Them Is On The TV.

Since it's that time of the year again (the time where I feel like ranting about food and shooting pointed glares at smug europeans), I think it's time I correct a bunch of popular misconceptions about american and american immigrant cuisines

Let's take them one at a time

Yes, America has a cuisine. Dozens actually, before you even factor in immigrant cuisines that have maintained a recognized distinction. In no particular order: Pennsylvania is famous for its wide variety of baked good (notably chocolate chip cookies), every state south of the mason dixon has its own regional style and definition of barbecue, Louisiana is home to both cajun and creole cuisines (which are a blend of spanish, french, indigenous, african and english foodstuffs), texas has tex-mex (which is less a fusion and more a relic of when texas was mexican territory), and california, which is famous for its combination of east asian elements with existing american traditions.

Aunt Jemima and Mrs Butterworth are NOT maple syrup. This is a mistake I also see plenty of americans make. Those syrups, which are cheap and come in a plastic bottle are mostly just corn syrup and brown food coloring. Actual maple syrup, which mostly comes from canada, new england, and upstate new york, is significantly thinner (about the viscosity of half-and-half) and has a complex taste similar to light brown sugar and fenugreek.

Biscuits and Gravy isn't what it sounds like to europeans. It's not even remotely close. American "biscuits" are a type of buttery, flaky, unsweetened roll similar to buttered scones, and are traditionally made with buttermilk. The name is an example of divergent evolution: both european and american biscuits are derived from ship's biscuits, a dehydrated cracker with an absurdly long shelf life that needed to be dunked in a broth or beverage before eating. European biscuits were sweetened to make them taste better dunked in black tea. while american biscuits were made buttery to make them taste better dunked in stew or gravy.

American Cheesemaking isn't just Cheez-Whiz. America actually has a wide variety of local cheeses, with the most notable being Colby (similar to mild cheddar), Monterey Jack (a hard, salty cheese used in quesadillas), Pepperjack (a softer cheese made from monterey jack mixed with peppers and dried herbs), Meunster (a funky semi-soft cheese that melts well), and particularly cream cheese (a spreadable fresh cheese similar to mascarpone that is traditionally smeared on bagels, or used to make cheesecake)

American Cheese IS real cheese. It's not made of plastic, it's a mix of cheddar and colby melted into a cheese sauce with fresh cream or milk and then cooled, which allows it to melt absurdly well and gives it a "floppy" texture. Typically sodium citrate (i.e. citrus juice + baking soda) is added to prevent it from getting greasy when melted. A similar step is used in some american versions of mozzerella and emmental that are intended for sauces.

Cream Cheese is NOT Kosher. Well, sort of. Not exactly. While cream cheese is a staple of american jewish cuisine, and does meet all the qualifications to be kosher, actual kosher delis are forbidden from using either cream cheese OR new york water for their bagels. For cream cheese reason is that kashrut is very stringent about cross-contamination between meat and dairy (this was historically to prevent shepherds from serving a calf or goat in its mother's milk), and these delis are famous for their corned beef and brisket. As for new york water, it has microscopic shrimp in it. As a result, these delis typically serve vegan cream cheese and make their bagels with filtered water

Turkey doesn't make you tired. It's not noticably higher in tryptophan than anything else at the table, and there's no evidence tryptophan causes tiredness. The reason you feel tired after thanksgiving is because you were either cooking or traveling all day, and then ate a giant feast while arguing with your racist cousins. That would wear anyone out.

American Immigrant food isn't "fake". Seriously, how fucking racist do you have to be to think this? No, it's not the same as the stuff you get in the original country, because it's an entirely separate cuisine in its own right, born from a hybridization of techniques, ingredients, and flavor palates. Most notably, these traditions typically use a lot more beef than the cuisine they're derived from, and in the case of Chinese food, are typically toned down in terms of spiciness to emphasize the sweet and salty flavors that are more popular among americans.

American wasabi is another story. Wasabi root is very expensive to import here in the us, so to meet demand, importers market a mix of horseradish and green die as a substitute.

MSG isn't "muh evil chemicals". Or at least, it isn't any more so than anything existing. Literally everything is chemicals. Msg actually occurs naturally, forming on the surface of seaweeds that are high in it, most notably Kombu, a type of kelp traditionally used in japanese cuisine to make dashi, sushi, and rice seasonings. The reason you get a headache after eating chinese food is that you ordered the saltiest thin on the menu and then poured soy sauce all over it.

Random anecdote I recall hearing sometime:

There was this Thai guy who was working in Finland for a time for some reason, and was depressed about not being able to find real thai food anywhere save for cooking at home for himself. Until finally he found a thai restaurant run by a couple who didn't pull their punches for finnish clientele, and was delighted to finally have some delicious fucking food.

He was so happy about it that he told about his find to a finnish co-worker, who was mildly insulted by the Thai guy implying that finns can't handle capsaicin, and if he was given some Real Thai Spicy food, the finn might legit die. So the Thai guy offered to take him to the restaurant, and see who's right about this.

So they go and the guy orders them both the exact same dish, reassuring the owners - both in finnish and in thai - that he's not fucking around, make the two exactly the same. His so-white-that-he's-mildly-translucent companion can handle it, and if he dies he dies, their people's honour is at stake here.

So their food came and both of them got to experience each others' cultures: The finnish guy got to taste what is considered "spicy" by Thai standards, and the Thai guy got to watch how a finnish man is willing to literally rather die than admit defeat.

This screenshot from a gardening Facebook group has been on my phone for several years and I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to delete it. Apparently it comes from a British gardening book from the 80s. I know we all joke that the English are afraid of flavor, but I assure you, you are not prepared for this.

GARLIC

Until quite recently, scientists smiled at all the wonderful medicinal powers claimed for garlic, but recent research has shown that there is some truth in a few of the old wives' tales. Garlic, of course, has an important role in Continental but not in British cookery — it really isn't worth growing unless you are a fan.

Any well-drained spot will do. Buy a head of garlic from the greengrocer or supermarket and split it up into individual cloves. Plant them 2 in. deep and 6 in. apart in March. Apart from watering in dry weather there is nothing else to do until the foliage turns yellow in July or August. Lift the bulbs and allow to dry under cover, then store in a cool, frost-free place.

If you are a beginner with garlic, you must use it very sparingly or you will be put off for ever. Rub a wooden salad bowl with a clove before adding the ingredients. Rub the skin of poultry before roasting and then you can try dropping a whole unskinned clove into a casserole or stew, removing it before serving. If by then you have lost a little of your garlic fear, you can try using crushed (not chopped) garlic in meat etc. as the Continentals do.

I’m so glad that things like survivorship bias and statistical outliers became memes I wish more critical thinking skills would become widely-understood this way, I’m not kidding let’s get on this

Limerick Template

There once was a [PERSON] from [PLACE] Whose [BODY PART] was [SPECIAL CASE] When [EVENT] would occur It would cause [HIM OR HER] To [BREAK A LAW OF TIME AND SPACE]

Starting to think we told children that The Fair Folk were out there to trap you in twisted words and doublespeak and clever traps that take what you say and turn it against you for cruel and mischievous purposes just to drive home the importance of critical thinking and analytical skills

If we don’t start putting funding back into the education system I’m gonna invent a creepy pasta that steals your face if you can’t recognize media bias

Look at her. Look at my goblin child.

Rumour has it, although the King of Ithaca had returned to his shores, his throne remained empty for the better part of a year.

In most cultures I am closely familiar with, "when in Rome, do as Romans do" is kind of an unspoken benchmark of how good-mannered, well-educated, and civilised you personally really are. A silent, unspoken, unseen and unacknowledged gesture that demonstrates that you were not simply trained to act appropriately in your native surroundings, but have the observance and sensibility to notice how people behave around you, and pick up on what is apparently considered the polite thing to do, and proper way to behave. It is a far better measure of having good manners than painstakingly memorising and rigoriously following some one specific book of etiquette rules.

And hilariously, this automatically categorises imperialist behavior as rude and uncivilised. Like ugh, are you seriously standing there throwing a tantrum at people who live here whose language you didn't even try to learn, about how they have not gone out of their way to learn to speak yours? How tacky and barbaric.