How To Hold Son

how to hold son

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A little nugget of Crown + Milt characterization:

I had a long talk the other night (I was putting off sending an important email. I'm very responsible) and revealed a bit about Crown + Milt's characters. It's a lil long, but figured I should put a slightly touched up version of it here for everyone to see:

Crown was born disabled and was rejected VERY harshly when he tried to join the army, even after building his own set of mechanical legs. He was used to those in power mistreating him. As such, he never felt like he really belonged in power deep down because it was an environment he was unfamiliar with, surrounded by people who reminded him of those he'd always despised.

That's how he felt around 'real' politicians. He felt like he was in a joke + was waiting for the punchline. He felt he HAD to fight to keep what he had because those in power didn't WANT him there. He didn't belong. Here, there or anywhere. A freak only around by happenstance. He didn't just disagree with the motives/actions of others in power, he despised them for what they were. People who would never understand where he came from, what he had to overcome to get there and because of all that: what was at stake if his plans failed - that a world would never exist where he could've lived a full and happy life if he'd never had the opportunity to leave his garage.

He looked at the public as well-meaning, but somewhat dim. People who only knew enough to know what affected them personally. But he didn't hold it against them. They were products of their environment, of the systems that he was trying to undo. What he wanted was a mass revolution. A highly educated, dedicated and at times aggressive population that would recognize when their rights were being trampled and do something about it. He saw himself as a wolf on the side of sheep, and he wanted to make the public more like himself, so the fight for justice would never die. Every man a protagonist!

Milt's upbringing wasn't like Crown's. He didn't suffer from disability and his true sexual orientation wasn't known, so he faced little adversity for it, outside of the odd accusatory remark, which he was able to tolerate (as taking it personally would've given him away and put him in danger.) His family were well off, unlike Crown's.

He never understood Crown's mentality, as a result. He knew they had to fight to enact change, that the powerful fight to keep things the same because they benefit from it. But, the idea of seeing those around him as different (be it other people in power or the population themselves) - Milt couldn't fully grasp that part of Crown and at times, struggled to come to terms with the fact that the partner of his revolution, that aimed to create class awareness and solidarity - saw people as different to himself.

Marla understood Crown's perspective though. Despite perhaps sharing more ethical values with Milt, growing up poor + with a disability of her own (Mingus' cane was originally hers, after all), she saw eye to eye with Crown more in this regard. She viewed those who held onto power + failed to wield it for the good of others with a deep, searing contempt, which she was felt just as intensely as he did.

Of course, Milt never had Crown's insecurity. Just different inner demons of his own from the war, which haunted him in a very different way.

Crown believed that because he was able to change his own destiny, he HAD to change the destiny of others. He couldn't waste the opportunity he had. That the stars themselves had aligned in a one of a kind freakish accident, that their journey was one way and that nobody would ever get the chance to recreate their strategy, because those in power would know what to watch for next time it was tried. Crown couldn't have it be for nothing. he couldn't let everyone down.

While Milt looked at his past with survivor's guilt. The things he had to do to survive during the war. The faces of men he'd killed haunted him in his sleep. And he never forgot that he was alive because others were not. If he made mistakes, made the world a worse place… then the deaths of those he fought alongside who didn't come back were for nothing. He'd know for sure that the voice in his head was telling the truth - that he should've taken each and every bullet that felled his comrades. If he'd been braver, done more, generations of good families would've stemmed from the men he fought with who never made it home.

Crown and Milt had so much in common and their connection was quite deep - but as much as they knew about each other, neither could fully understand this one difference in the other and it wound up being the thing that ultimately killed their relationship.

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sleepingtodream0

3 months ago

Salmon Run

A HEFTY VOICE MESSAGE FROM LOUISE CARRIGAN TO HER WIFE, ANNE DAVIS, FALL 17770.

Immortality’s a funny thing. I think—I think I forgot how to struggle. Before us, I mean. You know, back home in Alaska. Yeah, of course there was always some kinda crap, but mostly it was the same stuff day-in-day-out. I’d go to work in the morning and leave work in the afternoon. My job was important, sure, but I’d been doing it so long it just felt like busywork. The day I got my position, though, it felt good. That was what, almost sixteen thousand years ago? Way before we met... Isn’t that crazy? I lived almost a hundred and sixty lifetimes before I met you. It definitely didn’t feel like it.

Anyways, on with the message—sorry, this one’s gonna be a devil to listen to. Tell your brother I say hi, by the way! I’m only about 9 hours to Asheville now. Might be a tad more, ‘cause the truck tire just popped. You know, it was just some nail lying about on the road. And the thing is, the roads here are real nice! Wonder what that nail was a part of…

ANYWAYS, for real this time, I was finally doing something to give back to the environment. Lord, we really fucked everything up. When I took the job, the chinook runs were really bad. I mean, so many of those salmon were dying during the run or before the run and it was just hell at the fishery. It got better, of course. It all got better, but then there wasn’t this constant stress anymore. After a while they were fine. Still needed management, but it wasn’t as crazy as it used to be. No more fighting with the fishermen ‘cause they didn’t live off of it, you know. Most of the people who fished then were just hobbyists and families—didn’t need much management then. So I went to work and I picked up any book I had lying around the house. This was before I went to college for the first time, so it was just everything I had from high school.

So I started reading Catcher in the Rye, you know, with Holden Caulfield and that hunting hat of his? And I was reading it at work and he said something that kinda snapped me out of everything. He said, “mothers are all slightly insane.” And you know what, that really got me thinking. My mom had been gone a while and I’d been at peace with it a while, too. There were hard days and there will always be hard days, but what I really missed was something she used to do when I was in high school. You know how much of a shit I was then, I took nothing seriously, and you know, she’d always tell me, “God’s watching, Louise.” It wasn’t in too serious a tone, but man, she said it all the damn time. And whenever I fumble one of your absolute dimes, I hear her in my head, going “God’s watching, Louise.” And she had that real thick Appalachian accent too—if you thought mine was bad, you shoulda met her. And I’d tell her right back, “Oh I know he’s watching. Bet he’s cracking up watching me stumble ‘cross the field.”

Anyways, back then when I worked at the fishery, I never did anything that would make her say that. Nothing that was crucial—you know, critical, in-the-moment stuff that God would wanna be watching. I had so much time there. I still have so much time here. And so one day I went out to one of the rivers and I looked at all the salmon, swimming upstream and strugglin’ forever against the current. And I said to myself, I wanna do that. I wanna feel anxious again. I wanna be embarrassed again. I want to trip over my own shoelaces in the middle of the big game.

And it’s kinda funny, cause after that happens, you’re like, “good Lord Above, I never wanna experience that ever again.” But it’s a lie, cause when things get too good, then they’re not good anymore, you know? And I guess that why we do it. Why I keep going back to college even though school’s always my least favorite thing in the whole wide world. And why I keep trying new sports even though the only one I’m good at is that damned football. Hey, I mean, hockey’s fun, but Christ am I a crap skater.

And I guess most important, it’s how I met you—Lord do I remember that! Spillin’ my water and all that fuss. Damn near our whole relationship was swimming upstream, you know that? But shit if it wasn’t worth it. Everything was worth it. I mean, I’ll probably use that radiochemistry knowledge somewhere…

Well, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I was just thinking and didn’t want to forget anything. But now I’m rambling again. Sorry bout that. Lord, now this thing’s gonna be like an hour long. I’ve gotta quit while I’m ahead. Love you, babe. See you tomorrow.

173 notes View Post

sleepingtodream0

3 months ago