Just Saw Caldarus’s Official Design, And WOW! He Looks Absolutely Majestic. The Long Flowing Hair,

A/N: After reading @studentinpursuitofclouds headcanon about the bachelors/ettes' reactions to being kidnapped for revenge or ransom only for their furious Farmer spouse to storm in and rescue them. I felt inspired. I couldn’t help but write a version for Lance, blending it with my farmer OCs' backstories. Hope you enjoy the fic!

The moon loomed high over the farmhouse, casting its pale, silver glow across the quiet fields. The night was still, almost unnervingly so, with only the soft rustle of leaves stirred by a gentle breeze. The greenhouse stood as a lone beacon in the darkness, its glass panels faintly aglow, sheltering a world of warmth and life separate from the cool hush outside. Inside, Rosemary moved among rows of flourishing crops, the earthy scent of soil and faint hum of lingering magic surrounding her. Yet, despite the comforting atmosphere, a knot of unease twisted tightly in her chest.

Lance should be home by now.

He had left at dawn, that familiar confident grin on his face, promising—promising—to return before sunset. She had believed him. Lance always kept his word. But now, as the hours stretched long past nightfall, the promise felt like a fading echo.

A message had come earlier, brief and reassuring. But Rosemary’s instincts screamed otherwise. She brushed her gloved fingers over the rough skin of a void root. The dark, twisted form seemed to absorb the soft light, pulsing faintly with ancient magic. She tried to focus on the task at hand—on the routine—but her thoughts kept circling back to one question.

Why isn’t he back?

Her pruning slowed. Water dripped from a nearby watering can. The silence grew thick.

Then it happened.

A chill—sharp and sudden—sliced down her spine.

Her breath hitched.

Her gloved hand froze mid-motion.

It wasn’t a sound. Not a shadow shifting in the corner of her vision. No. This was deeper. Internal. Like something inside her had snapped.

No...

The comforting aura of Lance’s magic, ever-present beside her own like a steady heartbeat—had vanished.

Gone.

Her pulse thundered in her ears.

“No.”

The word escaped her lips in a broken whisper. The trowel slipped from her hand, clattering against the stone path. A ragged cry tore from her throat as she stumbled back. Her gaze snapped toward the hills beyond the farmhouse. She reached inward—desperately—trying to find the familiar pulse of his magic.

There. Faint. So faint.

But still there.

A gasp tore from her.

Lance...

Alive. Barely conscious. But alive. Reaching for her.

Her hands fumbled for her phone. The screen blurred before her eyes as her fingers darted across it, moving faster than her mind could process. Only one number mattered.

The line rang once. Twice.

“Rosie?”, Her sister’s voice answered calm as ever, but edged with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Cerise!!! I can’t feel him.” Rosemary’s voice cracked. “His magic! it’s gone—I don’t know what’s happening, what does it mean?”

Silence.

A silence that stretched for only a moment but felt like a lifetime.

When Cerise finally spoke, her tone had shifted, cool, sharp, edged with something Rosemary rarely heard from her sister: fear.

“No… they wouldn’t.” The words came as a whisper. Then, sharper, cold with realization: “Stay where you are. I’ll be there soon.”

Rosemary’s grip tightened around the phone.

“They must've took him.”

The words hung heavy in the air.

“They took my husband.”

This time, her voice was low, dangerous, a quiet fury simmering beneath each syllable.

Cerise inhaled sharply on the other end of the line. “Most likely. If they couldn’t get my Jio, their next move would be—”

“I’m going.”

“Rose—”

“I’m not waiting around, sister.” Rosemary’s jaw tightened. Her ocean jade eyes—usually bright and warm—narrowed into cold flames of determination. “I’m getting my husband back. Whatever it takes.”

”Rosemary, wait—”

But the call had already ended.

Without hesitation, Rosemary snatched up her sword from the greenhouse floor. The blade thrummed with her magic, responding to her rage. She pulled on her dark cloak, fastened the clasp at her neck, and slung a pouch of potions over her shoulder.

She stepped out into the night.

She didn’t need a plan.

Only a direction.

Lance’s faint magic—like a whisper at the edge of her mind—would guide her.

“Hold on, love” she whispered, her voice trembling. “I’m coming.”

And nothing would stand in her way.

The room reeked of damp stone and stale air, a subterranean prison swallowed by oppressive darkness. The narrow space was barely lit by a flickering lantern that hung from a rusted chain in the corner, its dim glow casting trembling shadows across the concrete walls slick with condensation. The ceiling sagged low, pressing down like a weight upon the soul. The air itself was suffocating, thick with the scent of mold and the faint, undeniable metallic tang of old blood. A chill seeped from the stone floor, gnawing at the skin, while the silence—broken only by the rhythmic drip of water echoing from some distant corridor—felt almost unnatural. But worse than the cold or the damp was the lingering, suffocating aura of magic that clung to every surface, woven into the very air. It was a cruel enchantment, designed to sap strength, to suppress power. And it was working.

Lance shifted in the chair he had been bound to, the rough rope digging into his wrists. His head hung low, dark pink hair falling messily into his face. A dull ache throbbed behind his eyes, sharp and insistent, growing worse with each breath drawn in the magic-saturated air. His eyes flickered open with slow, deliberate effort. His arms ached from the tight restraints that hummed faintly with the same suppressive power in the room. Even the smallest attempt to draw upon his magic was met with resistance, a suffocating weight that dulled the spark he relied on.

A breath slipped from his lips—slow, frustrated, bitter.

The Second-in-Command of the First Slash Clan, renowned combat mage, captured.

Not by a rival clan worthy of his strength. Not in battle against some formidable foe.

No, by a group of low-ranking mafia thugs who had no comprehension of the power they were trifling with.

The humiliation stung, but it wasn’t the real issue gnawing at him. His pride could endure this. What he could not endure was the knowledge he had failed. Failed to see the ambush coming. Failed to protect what mattered most. With all his training, all his magical prowess, he should have burned through these restraints with a flick of his wrist. But this room—the entire place—reeked of the kind of magic meant to weaken him, suppress him, render him vulnerable.

Still, it wasn’t his own fate that consumed his thoughts.

It was hers.

The realization cut deeper than any blade.

They weren’t after him.

They were after Rosemary.

He had heard them, muffled voices beyond the door, carelessly assuming he was too weak, too broken to care. But he had listened. Every word. Every plan. The truth had struck him harder than any blow. They believed that taking him would draw her out. They thought Rosemary would come running, desperate and vulnerable—a perfect trap.

But they didn’t know her.

They didn’t know Rosemary.

She wasn’t some fragile woman to be lured like a helpless bird. She had Cerise’s blood in her veins—the blood of the Crimson Wraith.

And worse still, they didn’t simply want to use her as bait. No. Their plan was far more twisted. They wanted her alive. They wanted to mold her into a weapon—a new puppet assassin forged from the only sister of the Crimson Wraith.

The thought made Lance’s jaw tighten, his fingers twitching against the ropes. His entire being recoiled at the idea of anyone laying a hand on her. His Rosemary. His wife. The woman who had fought for her freedom, who had lived in the shadow of her sister’s bloody past but had never allowed it to define her. They thought they could twist her into something she wasn’t.

The audacity.

The rage brewed quietly beneath his composed exterior, his magic stirring despite the oppressive weight. He would burn this place to ash for even daring to think of touching her.

The door creaked open.

Rusty hinges groaned like a dying animal, breaking the stillness.

Lance lifted his head, eyes narrowing as two figures stepped into the dim light. One was tall, broad-shouldered, with a jagged scar slashing across his cheek—a permanent sneer carved into his skin. The other remained near the door, arms crossed, eyes dull with boredom.

The scarred man grinned, a slow, mocking curve of his lips.

“You know.” he drawled, stepping forward with deliberate slowness. “None of this would’ve happened if you hadn’t married that red-haired bitch. We didn’t want you. You were never the target.”

He crouched, bringing his face close enough that Lance could smell the foul mix of tobacco and cheap liquor on his breath.

“We wanted her sister. Cerise. She was... valuable to us. But she escaped. Left everything behind, dragging her little sister along like a coward.”

His grin widened, malicious satisfaction gleaming in his eyes.

“But now? We have something better. You see, we realized something. What better way to replace the Crimson Wraith than with her own blood? We’ll take your precious wife, and turn her into the perfect weapon. Our new puppet.”

The words echoed in the damp room.

Lance didn’t move. His expression didn’t change. His face remained calm, far too calm.

But inside?

How dare you.

The air shifted.

Even bound and suppressed, his magic stirred, a quiet storm gathering, waiting. The ropes bit into his wrists, but they were nothing more than an inconvenience. He would burn this entire place to the ground before he let them touch her.

And then—

Footsteps.

At first faint, almost mistaken for an echo. But then louder. Steady. Unyielding.

The two mafia members stiffened. Their smug confidence faltered.

The pressure in the air built, thick and suffocating. The flickering lantern dimmed, shadows crawling further along the walls. The footsteps didn’t slow.

They grew louder. Closer.

And then—

The door exploded inward.

Wood shattered into splinters. The force of the blast sent fragments clattering across the stone floor. The oppressive magic that had choked the room recoiled instantly. For a moment, the air itself seemed to fear the figure standing in the doorway.

Rosemary stood there—fury incarnate.

Her rose-red hair blazed in the dim light, cascading behind her like a river of flame. Ocean jade eyes burned with unrelenting rage and fear, swirling with power she no longer cared to conceal. The aura surrounding her crackled with raw magic—a tempest on the brink of being unleashed.

“Where...”, she whispered, her voice low, trembling with restrained wrath, “Is my husband?”

The scarred man stumbled back. “Oh shit-!” he muttered in disbelief, glancing at his companion.

But the moment he moved—

Rosemary vanished.

A flash of purple swept through the air. Her blade glinted once, a crescent of death cutting through the dim light. With a scream, the scarred man flew backward, crashing into the far wall with a sickening crunch. The second man barely had time to react before Rosemary descended on him with relentless precision. Her strikes were merciless—graceful yet devastating. Every movement spoke of years of training, of lessons carved into muscle and bone.

They had expected a weak sister.

They received a force of nature.

The second man crumpled to the floor without a sound.

Silence fell.

Lance remained still, his gaze fixed on the woman who had torn apart his captors without hesitation. His heart thundered in his chest—not out of fear, but awe. She had come for him. She had shattered their illusions. She was magnificent.

Rosemary turned.

Her gaze softened the moment it met his. The fury faded, replaced by something far deeper—fear, worry, desperation.

“Lance.”

Her voice broke.

In two strides, she was beside him, dropping to her knees. Her hands reached for his face first, trembling as they brushed against his skin, as if afraid he would vanish.

“Are you—did they—?” Her voice cracked, unable to form the question.

“I’m fine.” His voice was soft but firm, though his smile faded when he saw the tears shining in her eyes.

“No, you’re not.” She gritted her teeth, glancing at the glowing restraints. Without hesitation, her fingers tightened around the ropes. Magic pulsed through her veins, rushing to her hands.

The ropes hissed.

With a surge of power and a cry laced with all the fear and rage she had suppressed, Rosemary ripped them apart. The restraints shattered into ash beneath her touch.

Lance didn’t move. He simply watched her—watched as she clung to him, as her shoulders shook.

“I thought—” she choked out, “I thought I was too late.”

Gently, Lance wrapped his arms around her.

“You weren’t.”

She buried her face in his chest. “I would have destroyed this whole place if they’d laid a hand on you.”

“I know.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “You were perfect.”

“No.” She pulled back slightly, her ocean jade eyes locking onto his, fierce even through the tears. “Not perfect. Just in time.”

And when Lance leaned forward to press his lips to hers, tender lingering. It wasn’t simply relief that filled the space between them.

It was a promise.

A promise that no matter who came for them next, no matter what shadows lurked in the past, they would face them—together.

Heyyaaa Mousey! How are you feeling right now? Hope its well. (◍•ᴗ•◍)

Okay soooo remember that one headcanon you posted its about that how would the spouses react if Mr. Qi threatened them to divorce the farmer… because I think the blue dude is practically bored and his only entertainment is the farmer going action but since farmer is busy with his family life. And Mr. Qi thinks that romantic feelings or family life are “distracting” to them. And since you wrote a headcannon with the vanilla marriageable npcs. Then how about a reaction from the SVE & RSV marriageable candidates. Imagine the chaos this brings. And sorry about my english. 😅

Hey hey Hime 👋 I'm doing fine, thanks for asking 😃

Another headcanon about Mr. Qi kidnapping Farmer's spouse? Hell yeah :) Funny, while I was writing again hedcanons about this topic, I remembered that one of the most important conditions for achieving Perfection in game is the wedding/getting a roommate, so that Farmer gets a Starfruit in 12 ❤️ And now Qi is like no no no, that's it, I've changed my mind, you have lived a married life a little bit and that's enough, go back to perform my tests. And he shouldn't be threatening Farmer's spouse/neighbour in general... just increase the reward for the test and Farmer will come running, lmao.

Oh well, I got a little distracted... Anyway, good to see you again, thanks for the ask! Have a great day ☺️

I'll take Qi's speech from the previous headcanon with vanilla characters, so we'll skip that part here!

_________________________________________

Stardew Valley Expanded:

There was no sight of terror on Lance's face after Mr. Qi's ultimatum. He kept his composure, confidently clutched the hilt of his sword with his right hand, in case anything happened, but was in no hurry to pull the weapon. The pink-haired adventurer carefully considered his future move, calculating the chances of winning the fight or chances of escape. The situation was complicated, but in the name of protecting his family, Lance had no right to panic.

"Nice to finally meet you... Mister Qi." Magnus knew that the mage community would sooner or later encounter this... person (was he even a person?), but he didn't think that this 'honour' would fall to him. And the immediate threats, of course... Qi may have taken Rasmodius by surprise, but he's underestimating the talent of the wizard, who is ready to instantly disintegrate the insolent man who dares to threaten Magnus' spouse. He's not about to back down...

"W- what?" Victor stood stiffly, unable to digest all the information that had been dumped on his head. This man was claiming that Farmer owed him something? To perform some kind of test? And Victor is getting in the way of all of this way?! Victor don't understand... but he's not about to let someone force Farmer to do it and threaten them and Victor. But at the same time he's scared, for there is definitely magic involved, and he doesn't know what else this Qi can do...

Mr. Qi was a little amazed that Claire was practically calm. Too calm. Naturally, surprise splashed in her eyes, but nothing more. Qi even got curious, so he asked the cashier if she was scared at all. Claire replied that "this is one of the most strangest dreams ever" and pinched herself on the arm. The unpleasant sensation made her twitch... and quickly her calm was replaced by horror. "No, my dear. Not the dream," Qi replied, "should I repeat everything I've said all over again?"

Olivia will be confused to the core of her being that she won't immediately respond to Mr. Qi with such a bold ultimatum. However, after the meaning of his words reach her, the former Joja accountant will be overwhelmed with anger. How dare this creep kidnap her and threaten her and her spouse! Her family! A fraction of fear is present, but more Olivia will be angry and demand to take her back, or else Qi himself will have consequences.

Sophia fell to her knees and covered her face with the palms, holding back her screams and tears. This person was slowly approaching her, the clomping of his heels echoing in the room. Sophia clutched her eyes harder and began to mutter something. Only when Mr. Qi got close enough to her, he heard what the pink-haired young woman, who was scared to death, was whispering. "Wake up, wake up, please.... it's just a nightmare..." "Are you sure about that?" And then Sophia screamed as hard as she could.

The frightened Scarlett didn't say anything to Qi, took a few steps back, trying to get as far away from him as possible, but afraid to make any sudden movements. The urge to run far away, anywhere, just so she wouldn't have to feel someone else's gaze on her, was overwhelming, though. "You're not going anywhere until you choose-" "I DON'T WANT TO CHOOSE! LEAVE ME AND FARMER ALONE!" Scarlett interrupted Qi with scream, shivering and trying to figure out where to run to find Farmer, Sophia, her parents, anyone who could help.

Ridgeside Village:

The muzzle of the gun pointed at Qi gave Bryle some confidence in this strange and frightening situation. Though after this mysterious blue man had laughed at the Governor bodyguard's 'toy', Bryle's confidence began to slowly evaporate. Shit, what is going on, who is this creep and how does he know Farmer? 'My warrior,' what the hell is this!? "Fuck you." He probably shouldn't have snapped at him, but the desperation was making him start to panic a little. Fuck, he need to warn Farmer...

"Whatever it is, I'm sure we can come to an agreement," in truth, Zayne didn't want to negotiate anything with this man and his brash demands, but he realised that the situation wasn't on his side. Qi himself had to give Zayne credit - the young head of a wealthy family didn't chicken out, didn't beg for mercy by bargaining for his life, and clearly loved Farmer enough. Impressively... But not enough for him to leave the 'problem' of Farmer's abandoned trials unresolved.

Jio didn't reply anything to Mr. Qi, only lightning-fast drew his katana from its sheath, getting into a fighting stance. He realised that the person before him was a dangerous opponent, the very one his Lady had been trying to find for a long time. Not a human, an anomaly. But the elf would not allow anyone to threaten those dear to him, his soul, his mate... His spouse and children... If fate has decreed it so - so be it, but Jio will protect his family to the last drop of blood.

"Or you could ask them politely to fulfil, uhhh.... your challenge?" June tried to find a way out of this difficult situation, trying to convince this... stranger not to make any hasty decisions. But truth be told, the pianist doesn't want Farmer to perform any (most likely - dangerous and illegal) tests of this weirdo at all. Aloud, of course, he will not say, because what if the threats of this "Mister Qi" are not empty....

Anton almost gave his consent to Qi's ultimatum, when the mysterious blue man began not only to manipulate the architect, but also began to humiliate him. The phrase 'you don't deserve someone like Farmer anyway,' definitely left a huge crack in Anton's heart. But only he wanted to open his mouth to agree to the divorce, at that moment remembered the moment when Farmer handed him the Mermaid pendant that now hangs around his neck. No, he couldn't betray them that easily... "Screw you." He's already prepared for the worst.

"Ahahahahaha, great joke, very funny. So, where's your hidden camera?" Oh, Sean was scared for a minute at all of this, but realised it was just a prank (a bit dumb prank, by the way) and waited for the lights to come back on and everyone to come out shouting "Gotcha!" Who ever came up with this stupid idea for this prank in the first place..... With a snap of his fingers, Qi made Sean fall to his knees from the sharp pain in his chest. "Still think this is a joke?" Now the handyman believed him.

Shiro remained silent and didn't want to agree to such an ultimatum . But he's not going to say something not very decent either, as unfortunately his current state of health won't allow him to defend himself against the attack of this deranged man. His mind says that he should give his consent to save Farmer and himself, but his heart screams refusal. Still have to listen to the voice of reason though. Even if he agrees, Farmer will still be in danger.

"Okay, now let me go!" Yoba witnessed, Jeric didn't want to agree to any demands, but realised that the chances of escaping or defeating this Qi were very slim. Agreeing to anything, just so he can warn Bryle and Farmer about this madman. "Then sign it." Some paper with finely written text and a pen formed, hovering right beside the young farmer. There was no way he dared to take that pen. "I'm waiting." Damn, what should Jeric do...

Philip only laughed nervously and took very slow steps backwards. The situation was bizarre to the point where he even thought for a moment that this was some kind of horrible nightmare and Qi was a sleep paralysis demon. "You're not leaving until you file for divorce," and dozens of pairs of eyes glared at the physiotherapist, forcing him to stand still. "I'm still waiting," Mister Qi's voice became more impatient, making Philip shake all over. He didn't want to, but he feared for himself and his spouse.

Rivers of tears were running down Ian's face, it was all too much for the poor man. "Why are you doing all thi?! Why?! What have we done to you!" His voice trailed off into a scream that echoed throughout the dark room. Just his life was starting to get better, he'd found his soulmate, everything was great, and then - fate handed this man who was ruining his and Farmer's lives just because he was bored. Ian falls to his knees and begins to sob quietly.

"If you care so much about Farmer, you'll have to go along with it. You'll save both them and your own life. You're smart, kid, sure you would do the right thing," Qi is definitely right about something: Kenneth is indeed smart. Smart enough to realise that Qi won't just leave him and Farmer alone, even if Kenneth divorces his spouse. Maybe the electrician himself won't interest Qi anymore, but Farmer... Kenneth hates to think what the bastard has in mind for Farmer with his "trials." But he still has to agree to Qi's demand - if he doesn't save himself, he won't save Farmer either.

This Mister Qi is greatly deluded since he thinks he can scare Corine so easily. She and Farmer aren't puppets for someone to play, toying with their lives like it's all just a game. The waitress won't be able to defeat him, that's for sure - she can feel Qi's strong, dark aura. But she's not going to give up either. In the left pocket of her work apron is a miniature totem, a small relic given to her by that elf she met recently. Who, by the way, she's also going to ask for help before she escapes from this place.

It's impossible to imagine the effort it took for Daia to suppress the urge to spit some insult or sarcasm in Qi's face after his words. Because the ninja realized that she wasn't in a position to be frivolous and arrogant. She had a very dangerous opponent in front of her, the same one her Lady had mentioned earlier. Daia is not going to abandon Farmer, but she definitely needs to play along with Qi in order to get out of this situation alive and warn her spouse and the Cult members.

"I'm not afraid of you," but Blair's teeth chattered, showing her fear. She held her fishing rod tightly, preparing to swing it like a weapon. Except that didn't give her much confidence. Only a minute ago she was fishing in peace and preparing to go home to Farmer, and already this stranger is demanding her divorcing her spouse or face the consequences of refusing. The fisherwoman wants to attack Qi first, to take him by surprise, but.... she's terribly afraid.

Mr. Qi didn't even have time to say anything to his 'guest' before Alissa interrupted him with a heartbreaking scream, terrified of her being kidnapped straight from the Ridgeside Village to this, this... dark and strange place. Qi even cringed at the high notes of the girl's scream, Farmer's partner really did have... a striking voice. Alissa didn't understand what Qi was trying to say for the second time, she was gripped by terror.

"You... You... How dare you, you brute!" Faye, out of anger, threw her fan with all her might right into the face of her insolent captor, hoping that the thrown object would hit his eye or nose. The fan hit Qi's face, but the mysterious blue man didn't even flinch, just continued to stare at the waitress. His smile slowly slid down, giving Faye goosebumps. Perhaps it was a rash act, because this Qi was angry and would hurt her and Farmer.

"Is this what you do for a living? Destroying people's lives just because you feel like it?" Kiarra's words were full of bitterness and hatred for the man who stood before her in dark space. The graphic designer felt absolutely defenceless, broken, unable to somehow resist this evil man who stood there smiling contentedly, guessing what she was about to say to him. Kiarra could only hope that Farmer would forgive her for breaking their heart, but she needed to save their life. And she definitely needs to survive to find someone who can help her.

Letting out a cry, Maddie threw her bag at Qi, and when the blue man dodged, clenched her fists and started throwing punches. Miss, miss, miss, miss again, but Maddie, cornered, was gripped by rage and fear. Until unknown threads tied her hands behind her back, and Qi, completely unaffected by the lab assistant, stood by while she calmed down. There was nothing left for the poor girl but to fall to her knees and start sobbing.

Irene thought her past kidnapping for her further ransom from the Amethyne family had been the worst experience of the cook's life. The mere bandits that got her caught up and thought they would get their money's worth, but ended up getting justice, as messing with Maive wasn't good. Qi on the other hand was demonstrating magic, a power unprecedented to Irene that she realised: not even the head Amethyne and Farmer would find her here. She would either die or have to leave Farmer for good. Yoba, why it's not just the bandits again, why...

"Tsk, you're smarter than that, kid." Mr. Qi shook his head disapprovingly as Paula pulled out her army knife and prepared to hurl the weapon at her captor. He could have guessed that the doctor wouldn't listen to him so easily, this stubborn girl. "I'll have to take your toy," and after these words the knife, as if it had a will of its own, was yanked from the hands of the shocked Paula. "Now back to our problem-" "You're the only one with a problem, scum!" Sigh, Qi will have to quiet Paula down before threatening her.

Flor tries her best to read Qi, tries to see if he's bluffing or not when he promised very unpleasant consequences to her and her spouse if she doesn't do as he demands. If Farmer is, as this stranger himself claims, his "hero," "the chosen one," what's the point of him harming them? Logically, carefully, she tries to change Mister Qi's mind. Because she realises that, at this point, words are her only weapon.

Ysabelle looks at Mr. Qi with horror, turns around and runs away. Wherever the girl's eyes look, there is almost total darkness, and immediately in that darkness forms the silhouette of a blue man, smiling mockingly at the frightened girl. "Where are you going?" Poor Ysabelle runs in different directions, but in the end the outcome is the same. There is no way for her to escape, but she runs anyway, to find a way home. "Lea-" *pant* "Leave me alone!"

Caldarus, my dear, you just woke up from your eternal sleep and THIS is what’s happening?? I know you’re an immortal dragon guardian, but I also know you can still feel pain, yet here you are, unable to cook, brushing your hair with a tree branch, and eating random objects to regain your memories. Please, I am begging you, let me take care of you before you accidentally speedrun your own downfall. 😭💀

so like out of all the dialogue i've gotten from caldarus, he:

can't cook for shit. he burns fried rice and his noodles turn black. his cakes will not rise

had a Caffeine incident

struggles with having long hair, gets leaves tangled in it and used to brush it with his claws. switched to a pine branch because "it's faster"

in an attempt to regain his memories he's grinding literally everything he finds and eating it

thinks that if he had wings in this form it would make it difficult to sleep in bed

hopeless at organizing all his damn scrolls (he swears hes not a messy person though please believe him)

is a Fabric Freak™

Found this really cute mod, Chocolate Valley and I thought instead of being an actual farmer that sells crops and animal produce. Then why not be unique and be a Chocolate Farmer/Chocolatier who sells/makes different kinds of chocolates. And I just have the Farmer OC that can produce this sweet confectionery.

I heard Jio has a thing for sweets its among his love gifts. Cerise (my oc farmer) will totally use her skills to catch this elf man's attention. As the saying goes: "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

PS. I would like to thank for @orangeblossoms7 the creator of this mod, for the creation of this beautiful concept.❤️

Caldarus has been asleep for centuries, and he still wakes up feeling drained… Poor guy really can’t catch a break. Clearly, what he needs is proper rest. Somewhere cozy, with a warm drink, and maybe someone to hold him. Strictly for comfort, of course. And if that someone just so happens to be me, well… it’s for his health, I swear.

"𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗚𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗽𝗮'𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝗲𝗿... "

I hope you're proud of me, Grandpa! 😔

(Finally! I finished the Mastery Cave. I find it hilarious that I still haven't finish Perfection but I finish this one. Need to complete the Monster Slayer one.)

Humbly asking for your horny Jio rant (≧ω≦。)!!!!

(I am ravenous for even the smallest of crumbs)

Summary: [RSV] Jio NSFW Alphabet (I pick my favorite letters so nothing's in order!) Warning(s): 18+ filth (Im not holding back, y'all have been warned) Kinda nothing tbh I'm literally just spitting from the mouth and hoping it makes sense. Rough Sex + Dub-con(?) (In letter D but it's Jio's imagination), Side note(s): Oh girl/boy/sibling...ANON BUCKLE UP. I struggled writing this ngl, I could write a fucking essay about how much this man means to me but I didn't want to use a ask to just rant away so...this is like a normal NSFW ABC fic but with some humor (my horny rantings) sprinkled in so lol, be on the lookout for those.

quick side note ; to the poor unfortunate souls that may come across this post don't have a single fucking clue who Jio is. This is Jio from the RSV mod aka the man I'd willingly slut myself out to.

extra note alert ; Before we begin though, I want to make one thing really clear.

I'm biased as all hell toward Jio because I have the biggest thing for elves. Woman, man, doesn't matter to me. If they have pointy ears and are unusually attractive and tall, then I'm all in dude. So with that being said? Please believe me when I say that stars shot from my eye sockets when I learned this man was an elf.

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BEST PART.

A = Aftercare (What they're like after sex)

Jio would be the king of aftercare. His dialogue already implies that him and farmer get freaky on the regular so he'll definitely ask you if you need any water or if anywhere is a little more sore than the usual (in which case, he's giving you a massage that puts professionals to shame). But if you say no to any of these and state that you'd rather just cuddle, he's pulling you closer to his body immediately and whispering sweet words to you as he pets your head until you go to sleep.

♡ - "Drink," The soft-spoken word made you steadily crack your eyes open before, through your hazy vision, you saw Jio standing over you with a cup of water in his hand. You snickered quietly to yourself as you propped yourself on your arm to take it, the crispy refreshing taste of the liquid going down your throat both hydrating you as well as giving your body a jolt of awakeness. And as a delicious ache ran through your body, particularly in-between your legs after you and Jio's love-making session.

Your cheeks started to darken and warm a little at the memory of what you and your husband had done only a few minutes ago. Something that Jio quickly picked up on as he smirked at the alluring sight of you growing more and more embarrassed from your own thoughts. "Something on your mind, my love?"

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner's)

Jio would definitely be proud of his muscles. There's a scene where the farmer openly gawks at him when he's meditating in his spouse area so I think after seeing his spouse so openly drool over him. He'd become more focused on his muscles when he trains and would definitely give the farmer a little show every now and again. As for the farmer, though? As cheesy as this response is, I think Jio would love every part of you, there's no part that he favors really because he thinks your literal being is a blessing in his eyes. This means there's definitely a lot of body worship during sex.

♡ - You felt like you were on cloud nine right now as Jio kissed every available surface area of skin on your body.

Each time his lips would ghost over your skin. The more your thighs twitched with the urge to clench if it weren't for your husband situating himself between them, his hand teasingly petting at your soaked cunt much to your dismay. "J-Jio..." You begged, the sound of your whiny voice making the elf throb in his pants before he looked up at you through hooded eyes. He placed one last kiss on your hand before he responded with a throaty "Yes"?

"Please..."

You hated how you felt yourself throb at the sight of him smirking at you, almost as if he were a fox who just an inch closer to capturing his prey. "Please what, my star?" He turned your hand over to press a kiss in the middle of your palm before he moved down to your stomach, kissing down and closer and closer to the area you wanted him most until he stopped again. "You have to be more specific, begging aimlessly won't get you anywhere."

You pouted. "T-There." You tried gesturing to your aching pussy by grinding forward against his clothed dick, eliciting a sharp hiss from him. Yet, as quickly as you tried to seduce him into giving up on reminding you of his manners, he moved back a little to avoid any more of your tempting ministrations.

"You know how to ask properly, not by acting like a tempting vixen." He pinched your thigh lightly as a warning, a whine escaping your lips as you ran your tongue over them.

"Please...touch my pussy, I-I need you."

His praising smile felt like it could light up your very soul. "As you wish, my star."

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically)

Okay so— I feel like when it comes to Jio himself? He's not big on cumming on you. Since he sees as no less than a goddess basically, in his eyes? Cumming on you is degrading, no matter how much you try to convince him that you're into it. However, cumming inside of you is definitely on the books, he loves it. As for you though? This man is a total Munch Master 365 days out of the year. Want to ride his face until he squirts on you? He's into it. When he fucks you and he sees your slick beginning to drip from your hole and onto the floor, he has to resist the urge to eat you out in order to continue stuffing you full. Your cum is essentially ambrosia to him, he could go hours drinking you down and he's never going to be fully satisfied.

♡ - He couldn't get enough of your sweet nectar.

Your delicious slick that dripped from your needy cunt after just a few minutes of foreplay. Jio would've had a mind to laugh if he weren't so focused on sucking on your clit right now, his arms locked around your thighs to keep you from closing them as you moaned and pulled at his hair, the stinging pain encouraging him to keep going in his ministrations whilst he struggled to try and keep a close eye on you.

But, from the combined fact that his head was swirling from both your taste and his growing lust, as well as his bare cock twitching against the bedsheets, the little friction it had from his grinding against the sheets only did enough to make him needier and needier for your warmth rather than actually getting him off!

Then again, in the face of your pleading eyes looking down at him in a silent bid for him to keep going until you came...

How was he able to deny such an expression?

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He definitely would've had a dirty imagination about you once or twice before you two even started dating. However, they would mostly be along the lines of "Yoba, this farmer is so annoying because they say hi to me every day...let me fuck them to take my frustrations out on them". Now, when these thoughts would pop up, he would definitely try to bury them, to the point no matter how hard his dick if after thinking about it. He's not going to falter and touch himself. But oh boy, does it cause him to start to see you in a new light after starting to think about what you look like under your clothes.

♡ - Typically, Jio was in control of himself much more than this.

He wasn't aware of a single thing in this world that could shake his foundations or make him waver in his beliefs. But...it seemed that you were a unique exception because, for the last few nights since the night the two of you began talking since your victory in the Spirit World. His mind has been...plagued, with certain imaginations that is.

Imaginations that focused on the topic of how annoyed he was of you.

It was infuriating how you didn't understand the words 'Go Away'.

So, in the deepest reaches of his mind, he knew the perfect method to make you understand how much he disliked you. He'd approach you in a forest, perhaps you would already be on your way to talk to him one-sidedly once more, and he'd pull you towards him before smashing his lips against you.

His cock would twitch inside his pants at the sound of your needy moan, eager and possibly elated at the fact that you were finally getting the attention you were seeking from the very beginning as Jio swiftly pressed you against the bark of a tree and flip up your skirt.

"Tch," He click his tongue at the sight of your soaked panties, lightly pinching your backside when you wiggled your ass to tempt him into giving you more. "...Such a needy thing, hold still. I'll give you what you so eagerly want." He'd whisper, more to himself rather than you as he quickly freed his cock and wasted no more time to pull your panties to the side before he stuffed you full in one thrust.

Yet the second he'd begin to move...he'd snap himself of his thoughts.

Now the elf was faced with a new task. To find a way to calm his raging hard-on, he refused to fall into the pit of temptation that he was so certain you were trying to lead him into.

extra note ; Continuing on my last point—

He's. A. Tsundere.

He's. Mean (with that hidden sweet side to spice it all up)

And not to expose myself but I fucking love mean men. And to be honest? I'll go a step further. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE NICE??? During the Ridgeside quest line, the first two years of my playthrough revolved around J I O, and with every single mean dialogue he dished my way, I licked right up.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect)

I think of Jio as a half-in-half case. On most nights, he's super romantic and likes to treat your body as if it was gifted to him by Heaven itself (i.e If you're not confusing the moment for a Wattpad scene then he's thinking he hasn't done enough). On the flip side though, he'll ditch the romance if he's super pent-up or if you're explicitly asking for him to treat you a lil' more roughly.

♡ - His heart felt like it was close to bursting.

Within the dimly lit room of your shared bedroom, the soft sounds of your sexes meeting could be heard as he trusted up into you as you sat on his lap, the two of you sharing a hugging embrace as his cock twitched inside of you at the sound of your moans.

But, his orgasm was steadily becoming an afterthought as all Jio could focus on was you. After all that he had been through in his life, all the sacrifices he's made—

How could he be so lucky to be with you in this moment?

To have your love and attention?

"My love," He panted out, his voice uncharacteristically breathless and whiny as he nearly pleaded for your eyes to be on him. Shakily, you took your face from the crook in his neck to look at him, your hands sliding up his body until they cupped his face. And from that simple action alone, the elf had fallen deeper in love with you.

"Y-Yes" You responded to him, your face somehow warming even more as you looked into your husband's lovesick eyes. A small smile was on his smile and his cheeks as well as the tips of his ears appeared flushed.

Jio smiled as you caressed and held his cheeks before his face fell to rest in the valley between your breasts. "You're so pretty." He sighed dreamily.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation Headcanon)

He doesn't jerk off much, to be honest. (And to be honest? I feel like his libido doesn't really "activate" unless you're around him) Even when you two are in a relationship and I fully believe it's because 1. He's usually too busy/focused on his missions to think of rubbing one out or 2. He has you so if he's in the mood then he'll just go to you. But should you not be in the picture at the moment? He'll just get himself off to a piece of clothing that smells like you or his imagination.

♡ - "Fuuckk..." Jio whispered to himself as he sat on the edge of the bed, his hand slowly stroking his cock as he breathed in the smell of your scent from a shirt you left behind on the bed. The combination of that plus the imagination of your hands being the one on his dick rather than his own...it made for a pretty convincing moment that led him closer and closer to his orgasm.

It wasn't often that the elf masturbated. It wouldn't ever compare to the real thing.

But...when you said you'd be on Ginger Island for the next few days to attend to businesses there, he was expected to uphold the task of keeping things here on your farm in order.

And he'd do just that.

However, he didn't expect that his body would react so strongly to your absence. Even as his ministrations on himself slowly got faster and faster on his cock, going so far as to even spit on his dick to try and poorly imitate your slick and how it'd make your movements faster.

It was dull in comparison.

So dull that as his hands slowed and he came to a stop. All he felt was boredom. "...Yoba," He hissed in frustration.

He'd simply wait until you returned.

final note alert ; I saved my biggest thought bubble for the end so here we go-

Jio is the best-modded husband hands-down. Literally fight me on this. It's hard to convey my thoughts fully without giving concrete evidence (+ the fact that I'm going based off my memory since I haven't done a playthrough of the RSV questline in a lil' bit) but I think that anyone who's on the fence of RSV needs to give it a shot, even if it's just for Jio 💀. Like deadass, the whole reason I started this blog in the first place was to have a reason to rant about this man every now and again before it became a place for me to rant about hot people in general.

To reiterate, I'm biased as hell because I have a thing for elves and mean guys but seriously to anyone who reads this.

GIVE RSV A TRY.

Hot elf guy aside, the character stories in the mod are super good. Like I'd recommend Shiro, June, Ian etc. ANYDAY OF THE WEEK. I can't imagine my modded Stardew without Ridgeside Village so-

YEAH PLAY THE MOD SO I HAVE MORE PEOPLE TO RANT ABOUT THE HOT MEN WITH <33

Since 1.15 now released, I was looking through the Stardew Valley Expanded changelog hoping to find new updates and particularly any new marriageable NPC options. However, to my disappointment, I discovered that only Scarlet has been added as a marriageable candidate. Where are the other desired NPCs like Isaac, Alesia, Jadu or Camilla? It's quite disappointing to see they're still unavailable for marriage in the game. Damn it! •́ ‿ ,•̀

𝙵𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚂𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝙲𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚋: 𝙰 𝙵𝚊𝚛𝚖𝚎𝚛’𝚜 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚜

(Found this in my old drafts, I wrote it before the FOM update. Would be a waste not to post it here. I also made a skit related to this one with Farmer and Caldarus but more unhinged/dramatic and longer skit. ➡️ Link)

[Setting: Caldarus has just broken free from his stone prison. Dust settles, magic crackles in the air, and the Farmer stands frozen, staring at the man before them.]

Farmer: *inhales sharply* Oh. My. Gods.

Caldarus: *blinking, adjusting to his newfound freedom* Yes, I—

Farmer: *gripping his shoulders* YOU’RE HOT!!!

Caldarus: *startled* What?

Farmer: *shaking him slightly* I knew you’d be attractive, but this? This is illegal!

Caldarus: *trying to recover from both the dramatic exit from his prison and this energy* I—well... Thank you, I suppose—

Farmer: *grabs his hands, eyes shining* You don’t understand. I was ready to marry a rock. I was prepared to take my vows in front of a lawn ornament.

Caldarus: *slowly processing* You were going to what?

Farmer: *serious nod* I was mentally prepared to wake up every day and say, ‘Good morning, my beloved paperweight.’

Caldarus: *rubbing his temples* I just broke free from my stoney prison, and this is what I’m met with?

Farmer: *grinning* Welcome back to the world, my dear! Wanna get married?

Caldarus: *sighs, but there’s an amused smile tugging at his lips* At least let me breathe first.

𝙱𝚘𝚗𝚞𝚜 𝙰𝚕𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝙴𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐:

Caldarus: *sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose* Fine. But if I hear one joke about rocks, I’m turning back into one.

Farmer: *gasps dramatically* You wouldn’t dare.

Caldarus: *raising an eyebrow* Try me.

Farmer: *grinning* Well, that’s just stone-cold of you.

Caldarus: *visibly struggling to maintain composure* I’m serious.

Farmer: *nodding* Of quartz you are.

Caldarus: *groans* I regret everything.

Farmer: *pats his shoulder* Don’t take me for granite.

Caldarus: *sighs, looking up at the sky as if pleading with the gods* I should have stayed petrified.

Farmer: *beaming* Too late, rock husband. You’re stuck with me now.

Caldarus: *despite himself, a small chuckle escapes* At least eternity won’t be boring.