I Have A Huge Problem Of Always Saying That I Will Be Better And Never Actually Being. I’ve Been My

titi window 

There is a long time since the last time I did anything recklessly. Since I can remember I have something, some problem, some idea, anything that I might have to deal with, occupying my mind and taking me from the things I like to do. Hobbies, I mean.

However, lately, thanks to quarantine, I've been able to do this things. I've been watching many movies, which might seem normal but I didn't used to do as much since I was too worried about getting enough sleep, working out, going to college, getting my driver's license and all of those ordinary things. I have, also, started to read a book or two, didn't finish any - you see, reading on the internet era is a little bit complicated. I've been definitely taking better care of myself. My self-esteem, my health, my relation with my family.

I found myself to be so deeply immerse on my daily life problems that I forgot how to be a living been, I was so worried about being "healthy", getting good grades this semester and doing my best to eventually have a future that I forgot about the present.

This quarantine has been - at least for myself - quite good. I've been more self conscious, could realize how I was without knowing suffering from an ED, could realize how my mom can be here now but since she is older might not be in here for much longer (let's give some 25years), could realize how your plans for the future might not happen and how you should find a way to enjoy what you have and what you can for sure have. I don't know, even if everything changes somehow, even if my plans of 6 months ago don't happen, I know, today, that I can adapt, I can change the course of my life and always be a new and better me. All I need to do is stop and look at myself.

Long time no see

So I’m in love with the Tropical Rouge Cure designs, especially Cure Summer.

As infuriating as it is to see all the posts and screencaps on linked in and twitter and stuff saying “If you don’t be productive and do that project during this quarantine the problem is that you’re lazy”, there’s a lot of positivity out there saying to practice self care too, so it kind of evens out in my head.

What’s WAY MORE INFURIATING for me is that I WANT to write! I have a million ideas and all the motivation a writer could ever want, but I have to consistently keep putting it all on the back burner to focus on school which is charging ahead into finals week with my attention vaguely being dragged along as it tries to follow the butterflies instead, being jerked forward into and around deadlines just as I was about to catch up to the elusive pretty. 

Cinnamon buns 🐇

Mewkledreamy stickers are available in my shop 💗

I'm on a point that I don't know if I'm struggling with quarantine or struggling with life itself.

I was planning on doing the aupair, found a family, they live in a nice place to study on the area I want to work on, it would be nice, go a year abroad, study on a foreign University, come back and have a nice curriculum to get a nice internship on my area.

However, like always, something needs too go wrong and here we Are with quarantine, I don't know if I will be able to get the visa, the driver license and go to do the program.

Here I am again, rebuilding everything from the scratches, thinking on an plane b, c or d because it is regular on my life to the first or the second plant don't work out. So, ok, the aupair might not work so I must find a way to improve my life in here or try a different program, there is many options honestly but we always choose to surrender to anxiety.

Where the strength to be alive comes from?

I often see so many people being so happy about their lives. I was speaking to a friend whom called me morbid for talking about my wish for the death, and she was emphatic about how much she desires to have a long life, how many plans and goals she has for all those years of her life and how much she wanted to die at very old age.

The things is: I don't have that. I could die today, I wish I had died a long time ago, I never wanted a long life, I never wanted to pass my 30s and I often wonder WHERE people find all this will to be alive? Why do they want to live so much? What is so nice and happy about their life that makes them want to have a long life? I don't get it. I wish I did but I don't.

All I want is to all this pain to be over as soon as possible, and this painfull sensation that being alive causes me. I don't have joy or any desire about life that could even make me dream about dying at old age. I want to be gone as soon as possible.

At this point I guess it is important to comment I'm not talking about ending it all myself, I'm only wishing I don't have much more life spam around.

"My soul is the mirror of the universe, and my body is its frame."

-Voltaire; Micromegas