Latest Posts by dearlyread - Page 3

Michael Holden and Tori Spring are not dating, but they're not just friends either.

They just are, they just exist together.

'fuck you my child is fine' Your child heavily relates to Tori Spring, no your child is not fine.

You can come in any font of text, but if you're a word I find I love, I will fall madly for you.

I'm getting my binder in a few hours, it's like 2 am now, and it's something I've needed since I first got the notice, or you could call it "the memo" about my certain set of chromosomes in biology, I don't know. Even before I knew what the reason was, my chest always felt wrong to me, at first I was always neutral about the idea of having something grow out of me but then when I realised it was still attached to me and my every move and the most uncomfortable part of being in clothes that weren't baggy and then it just felt like a practice test for my specific circle in hell to hug other people so awkwardly now, so I had to block the knowledge that I possess a chest out of my mind to be sane. Then I thought: This is bullshit. This is just wrong. (Awkward teenager body change realisation, but then, dysphoria:) If I don't wear the oversized school uniform and cut all my hair off, I'm going to die. What's wrong with me?

Well, I got an answer dramatic little me would be blown away by. Now I'm getting what I've been hoping to find for the whole year now and can afford now that I got a good job. But why does it feel like I'm going to be sick with anxiety? I am angry at myself for feeling like I'm going to throw up and having shaking hands. I am sad that I don't feel so excited. I'm genderfluid, more often than not this year I've not been a girl, I don't even feel a connection to being a girl right now.

I think it's because of my family, I've only told my mom, but my dad is giving me a lift to get it, not knowing what I'm getting. All this time, I've been hoping to find somewhere I can finally get a binder and now that I've finally found it, I was so happy in the days leading up to tonight. I've had countless dreams this year of finally getting to hug my parents the same as I did as a kid, but in a better version of who I am today. I'm overthinking myself sick. Stop it. I'm going to be okay.

If it is everything I dreamed of, this would be the best thing to come of all the sleepless nights trying to block out the daunting thoughts that I will never feel right in my body, but not having the means to make the changes permanent. I have looked at everything, I know what I'm too scared to try for now, but this binder is my first step. I think I put too much pressure on this first step without realisation, and I'm not kind to myself when I fail at something it turns I'm not good at.

So I've realised that I have to remind myself this, there is no one way to be a gender. Gender is a form of expression. It's about bringing to the outside what is on the inside, not about what is taking in the validation of what is on the outside. Not everyone feels a specific one way of trying something new to express themselves, but they only know once they try it that it is right for them. And if it isn't, the best thing they can do, is be kind to themselves and recognise that they can try something new again to find what feels right for them.

I've only been aware that I don't fit into the cis category for certain this year, but I've been educating myself from the loving and supportive voices of others in the trans community. A trans person's experience is not a "one size fits all" experience for everyone, and I know that if this says anything about me, I want to say I never not feel happy literally for those on my fyp who get to live as themselves, happy and safe, from their hard work to get to where they are today. For another trans person reading this post, I hope that, no matter what step you're on or place in life you're in, the patience you have for yourself during your journey will reap so many rewards, self love and peace of mind. If you see this post and want to talk, offer some advice or insight, or be friends, I'd like that :)

Happy birthday Michael Holden

Make me feel better, you make me feel better

You make me feel better, put me back together

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow

I don't wanna live like this today

Make me feel better, I need to feel better

Stay with me here now and never surrender

- skillet, never surrender

I feel like I didn't come into the world screaming. My sibling was born angry and loud, the world wasn't ready for them, but I don't hear the same story about myself, just that I came out with hair and fingernails, that I wasn't ready to come into the world yet. I'm quiet, not nimble, but quiet. I scare people when they don't hear my footsteps, I always need to raise my voice to be heard, but it doesn't make me feel safe. I can't shout when I'm scared, I can't scream when my emotions bottle up, I physically can't talk to anyone because the words hurt to say. I hate that everything is quiet. I love music. I listen to screaming sometimes. But I hate being overwhelmed with the sound of people. People are volatile. People are angry. I'm never angry, not if I'm hidden away. But then I have to leave my safe space, and it's not just the normal bad parts of the world I become afraid of. Sometimes you know you're safe, but people act like they will betray that trust you have for them. Then had for them. But they're everything. You have to have hope they won't do this again, as long as you stay in line. You can't bring this up again. You have to be quiet again. But my thoughts are never quiet. But that's just my problem, then.

This song makes me think about growing up a boy, being loved for being a child and growing up and finding acceptance in my journey to be who I want to be brave enough to be.

I feel like I need to talk about the elephant in the room. Me about me. Narcissism at it's finest.

I'm genderfluid, I'm not always sure what I am most of the time. Sometimes something just feels wrong. Sometimes I know right away, gold star for that. Sometimes something is just so wrong that I can't breathe in my skin right anymore. A lot of the times, it's not that people use a certain term of endearment, it's that I've asked them not to use it- it's a betrayal. It feels like they overcompensate, trying to bring back someone I'm not but who they think I am. Gender shouldn't matter, but unfortunately, it feels like it does to me about my own identity. I know I'm genderfluid, I never felt like I could pin point whether I was a boy or a girl growing up, wanting to be one of the macho boys and then texting back and forth about my girl friends' crushes. I'm my own villain when I think that I'm just looking for attention when I'm looking for acceptance.

I've never been one thing, I feel like there are dimensions to me that aren't solid to be my first and foremost personality. It kind of makes me feel like sand, shaped by its environment, changing when dry but exposed to water, lightning and cement, for the lack of a good analogy. In some cases in that analogy, being sand hurts. I can change inside, but outside? I can only do so much to feel at home in my body. I chase drastic changes, clothes, piercings, tattoos, hair dye, scissors, the electric razor. Now something that is going to make everything I've gone through more real, more scary, but I don't think I can be happy without it. And when it doesn't suit anyone's view of me, I'm completely alone.

ATTENTION ALL AMERICANS

If you enjoy or have possession of “woke” media, remember that if a republican wins this year then all of that great media will be considered child porn, isn’t that great?

One. If you enjoy things repubs consider “woke”, I would vote blue so you don’t get executed

Two. Just incase one WOULD win,

TREAT “WOKE” MEDIA LIKE GOLD

If you find some buy it, If you are in possession of it hide it. Use a flash drive for digital stuff. I swear to GOD please.

This includes queer, poc, and anything that republicans won’t like.

(ps, for queers it won’t matter if you have this stuff, you’ll probably get arrested anyway)

You read that right! Removing WHAT terms???? WHAT will be considered child pornography?????

This is NOT just transgender people in trouble, this is every person who would be considered woke, aka ANY GAY PERSON, so STOP infighting because we are BOTH going down. They may use trans people as a cover up, but if you ACTUALLY read it its all of us.

SPREAD THIS

I remember you. You're someone I have to forget.

(I've missed you. I've loved you.)

When my dad said I needed therapy because I told my parents I loved the big ass cup I got in grade 3 more than I love myself. This was three days ago, where is my trauma bean bag dad

Good morning. Israel will fall and Palestine will be free

Mizu from Blue Eye Samurai is asexual !

Introduction post

Dear Reader,

Welcome to this blog, if you enjoy your time here, there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Let's be friends.

My name is Reid, I am 20 years old and I am genderfluid. I am a white, agnostic, pan-romantic on the ace spectrum INFJ-T. I will make sure that, if any, there will only be sfw interactions on this blog and I DNI with the following user types: homophobes, transphobes, racists, pedophiles, SWERFs, TERFs, Zionists, anti-Palestine supporters, anti-Ukraine supporters, Pro-Trump supporters, Pro-Putin supporters, minors.

The general posts that will come up on this blog will be whatever is in my head that I want to let out, most likely about my likes and hobbies, reposts of things I relate to and support, and that is all that it will be for now. I do write fiction, for myself, that I would like to post someday, but until then, I will just let the stories marinate in it's sad gayness.

I like reading, specifically fantasy and action, queer media especially. I actually started this blog because I read Solitaire by Alice Oseman. When I'm not reading, I'm crocheting and listening to music, my taste generally changes but I am a Swiftie at heart. My theme song is a tie between Dear Reader by Taylor Swift and Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance. This is most likely the type of riveting posts you might see in the future if you would like to be mutuals :)

I have stated it before, but I want to make a clear note here that this blog is meant to be for myself, and have a place to be when I don't want to be "me-offline". This is going to be somewhat of my safespace, it just happens that I thought it would be a fun little life choice to increase my carbon footprint and put my thoughts on the internet. The thoughts that will not be responding to any hate, and that support the ceasefire and freedom of Palestine.

Thank you for reading this post, and getting to know me a little, it would be nice to know other like-minded people on here, so you're welcome to DM me any time. Enjoy the rest of your time on Earth, goodbye.

From, Reid ✷

Edit: Lately I've written a lot about my home life, but I want to write about the happy things more than the bad things now.

a world not a home

Existing. You do that, you breathe, you see, touch, you taste, you smell. Survival. You do that, you eat, you sleep, you move, you drink. Feel. You do that, you laugh, you cry, you destroy.

Peace. We need that. Love. We need that. Hope. We can lose that flame as quick as it lights.

The basics are simple in this world. But this world is not simple. This world never gives you all you need, or all you can do, but only humanity is what can make this world a home.

Disaster. It kills us. Rejection. It kills us. Guns. We kill each other.

None of us are truly home. This is inhumane. Stop the violence. Ceasefire.

I want this book to exist. I wanna read it. why the fuck do I have to be the one responsible for it though

"You don't have to conform to some generic idea of what asexuality is. If you think you're asexual, that's enough."

- Shinobu Ishii, Is Love the Answer?

life changing experience: girl listens to song she hasn't heard in years. it brings back all the emotions she felt back then.

the desire to be in a relationship only comes around when you’re about to sleep, on the journey home alone, sundays, after the club, when it’s raining, winter, at the cafe, today, tomorrow and yesterday

Reid Reading Solitaire by Alice Oseman

Possible spoilers below

I never thought I would identify with a character as strong as I do with Tori Spring. I've never thought I could be anyone who matters to someone, and I still don't now, even with the friends I've found after growing up learning how to be on my own, especially when second-guessing everything you feels like it's all you ever do. The backpack chapter reasonated with me, every time I get overwhelmed, I make a decision completely blown out of proportion to make something feel right about me, to stop the panic and racing thoughts.

Then there's overthinking what to say, around family and friends and strangers, what to feel, what your morals are and what separates you from your intrusive thoughts. Every thought you have in conversation is about what other people see in you and how you relate to the conversation in the slightest, making you aware you're such a bloody narcissist. Contradicting yourself often, which confuses everyone else and frustrates you the most. But while those people contradict themselves, you feel both the confusion and frustration, almost for the other person.

You try to keep it all down then, because while you know have everything, you feel like you need more. You can't believe it, you're already trying to earn what you have now, what else could you possibly want?

And then there is wondering, about the "why" when you want something. Why do you want it if the cost is too risky? What would you do to get it? Why would you work so hard if it might end badly for you?

The contradiction, when you need help, you don't want to be alone, but the company you have doesn't feel like what you need, you feel like a watcher of your own uninteresting life. Second guessing, (do I actually want this?) I don't know what I'm actually going to feel if I get what I think a moment of unexplored comfort would be. Maybe it will be suffocating. Maybe it isn't possible. Maybe I'd ruin it. That's when the wondering goes further.. What about your identity is truly yours? Which pieces have you handpicked from the people in your life, and what is actually inside you that makes you who you are? Maybe you don't want to ever know.

This all being said, the one thing I feel separated myself from Tori Spring's character- was that she doesn't like to read, my little dark heart sank from my body in dismay. I still love her though, enough to breathe through the book in one afternoon.