Alexispink31

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Cause same

life lately

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“Just be fucking honest about how you feel about people while you’re alive.”

Tell me about the monsters hidden under your bed

Looking back, I’ll never tell you it was easy to get to where I am today..

I am far from where I want to be and I have much still left to learn and understand about myself and life.

It’s been a long and hard journey that has taken everything I have,

And truthfully,

Most days I don’t know how I survive.

I get knocked down and kicked around until I think I can’t go on..

But I do and always have..

You do it long enough that survival mode becomes a way of life.

Honestly, I’ve done most of the damage to myself with bad decisions and self doubt,

But that’s just part of the process, I guess.

I never thought I’d learn to rise above and find my way,

But I did and I still am, every day.

And I’m still learning- I have far yet to go.

I have days that take everything I’ve got to survive and nights that seem to never end.

I’ve been a horrible person but I’ve also chosen to do good things too.

I’m flawed, broken and messed up..

But I also have a big heart, beautiful thoughts and a kind spirit..

And it’s a battle between both sides, every day.

I have more good days than bad now, but it’s still hard.

I don’t win as much as I lose,

But that’s okay.

I’m learning, I’m growing and I’m trying to be better today than I was yesterday.

I can’t ever take back all the pain I’ve caused and I can’t undo the wrong I’ve done..

But I’m trying to make amends, rebuild trust and maybe in time, be a good person..

Or at least feel good about where I am in my journey.

I don’t like what I see in the mirror and haven’t in a long time..

But there are glimpses of hope every so often.

I know it’ll take time, but I’m working on it- working on me, one day at a time the best that I can.

So, maybe some day when you see me finally flying high and shining brightly,

I’ll tell you the story of how I found my wings..

It won’t be a tale of glorious victory and dazzling dreams..

No, it’ll be a story of failure, darkness and fighting to get better and be stronger.

It won’t be shiny and happy, but it’ll be real..

And it’ll be me.

And in the end, that’s what will matter most in my journey:

That I battled, kept going and found my way.

Overcame my failures and learned from my mistakes.

Maybe it’ll be a beautiful day, that day when I tell you that story.

Maybe not.

But it will be real.

And that’s the kind of stuff that matters.

The painful hard truths that get us where we need to be.

One glorious but messy day at a time.

Pretty 🤩

I crave INTIMACY desperately, but when I’m touched I pull myself away. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to allow anyone in my life.. I am triggered when I am hugged, kissed, admired by others and yet I disagree with them all.